Setting boundaries in marriage is important, especially the ones you set for yourself. While you can’t control what your spouse does, you can control how you respond and what you’re willing to accept. These personal boundaries help you decide how close or distant you want to be in your relationship with your partner.
Boundaries and the differentiated self
We’re all familiar with the desire to set limitations on our partners. But the idea of setting boundaries for yourself in marriage is sometimes strange and uncomfortable.
The bottom line is you have no control over your spouse. You only have control over yourself.
That’s the nature of boundaries. You can’t control what your partner says or does.
But you can choose how you respond. And in that personal decisional space are the boundaries that you set for yourself.
You decide what you will tolerate or endure. You decide the consequences of your spouse’s actions. You determine whether a behavior creates emotional distance or more intimacy. You decide how to bring up issues and how to handle conflict on your end.
Setting boundaries for yourself in marriage
It’s important to set boundaries for yourself. At some point, you benefit from looking at the “demon dances” you both suffer through. No matter what kind of couple you are, it’s helpful to ask what are the repeating arguments and unresolvable conflicts between you and your partner? And what new boundaries can you entertain that might encourage a better outcome?
I once worked with a physician we’ll call Thomas and his wife Jill. He was pretty unconscious about chronically coming home late for dinner and keeping his family waiting.
Whenever Jill brought it up, he was dismissive and defensive and accused her of being a nag.
I asked her if there was a new boundary or bottom line that she could use to convey how unhappy she was. So here’s what she said to him:
“Thomas, I know that your work is important. People’s lives are literally in your hands, and our lives are in your hands as well. Cecilia and Arthur, being teenagers, really need a stable routine right now.
If you’ll be late, please call me so I can maintain a family routine for them by having dinner with them. I love you, and I’m on your side. I won’t forget about you. You will always have your dinner in the fridge ready to be microwaved when you return home.”
Thomas wasn’t happy about the prospect of eating leftovers alone. Still, more importantly, Jill’s gentle boundary opened up space in his heart, making it easier for him to hear her out and respond non-defensively. He used his personal power at the hospital to allow for regular dinners with his family.
Jill set a boundary for herself with Thomas, and Dr. Thomas set a corresponding boundary for himself with the hospital.
The concept of differentiation…Simultaneously connected and distinctly Different
Another crucial part of setting boundaries is the related ideas of “you are not me.” and “I am not you.”
Your partner has their own thoughts and feelings, as do you. Differentiation means having a separate stance, possessing the skill to respond with empathy, and not react with defensiveness.
This also includes respecting each other’s differences, particularly when you find them annoying. While healthy boundaries in marriage foster healthy relationships, setting boundaries in your relationship allows you to experience both personal and marital growth.
5 Powerful tips for setting marital boundaries
1. Where’s the line?
What boundaries have you already marked? Are they being violated? Why? And how often?
And how do you respond when these boundaries are respected or ignored? You can’t really establish limits in your marriage until you unpack the boundaries (or lack of boundaries) already in place.
2. Forgiveness vs. consequences?
We have a cultural preoccupation with forgiveness as an idea in marriage. We tend to see forgiveness as a saintly virtue. But it isn’t always advisable.
The problem with being forgiving is that we actively thwart what could be a positive motivation for change. When we remove logical consequences, we may also remove the positive stress that promotes positive change.
I believe in forgiveness and forbearance. However, there can be a palpable difference between patience and tolerance on the one hand and an utter lack of consequences on the other.
If you continue to forgive serial transgressions, your partner’s problematic behavior, absent consequences, becomes normalized. Research tells us that emotional and physically abusive behaviors were more likely to persist when their spouses were perpetually forgiving.
Chronic knee-jerk forgiveness injures both spouses in a marriage. In the case of abuse, the act of serial forgiveness may become a silent sanction for their partner’s toxic behavior.
3. Be assertive, direct, and honest about your wants, needs, and desires
Passive aggression is a pattern of behavior where instead of expressing negative feelings directly, a partner communicates them through subtle actions.
Because of how modern life has unfolded over the last few generations, passive-aggression is a fairly widespread behavior we see in couples therapy, particularly in men. In passive-aggressive spouses, there’s a mismatch between what they do and say.
A passive-aggressive partner will quickly say something like “It doesn’t matter,” “It’s ok,” “I’m fine,” or “I don’t really care,” but then convey a vague sense of displeasure and annoyance with the very situation that they declined to discuss previously.
An essential feature of the passive-aggressive spouse is their innate bitterness and annoyance with their partner’s requests. This is often conveyed by “forgetting” or failing to complete previously agreed-upon tasks.
Passive-aggressive behavior by men is typified by frequent complaints of feeling undervalued, unappreciated, or unloved. For women, it shows up in disinterest in sex or other activities he wants her to participate in. This problematic behavior pattern is the antithesis of being assertive, direct, and honest about your wants, needs, and desires.
If you tend to occasionally be passive-aggressive, setting boundaries for yourself will require you to say “yes” when you mean “yes” and to say “no” when you mean “no.”
4. Remember to complain instead of criticize and stop avoiding conflict
What does it mean to set boundaries for yourself in marriage? It means being genuinely assertive and accepting that conflict is as healthy as it is inevitable. Setting boundaries means honestly asking yourself what do I want here?
True assertiveness is calm, clear, and differentiated. Here’s what I want, why I want it, and what is in it for you if you collaborate with me.
A differentiated partner asserts themselves knowing that their partner isn’t a mind reader and has not been placed on earth to thwart their every desire. They neither pursue nor avoid conflict. But they do make solid complaints… and focus on what they want instead.
We Need to Offer You 13 Essential Strategies for Setting Boundaries for Yourself in Marital Conflict Before We Move On to Tip #5.
- Complain Briefly… But Complain Early. You don’t have to suffer needlessly. If your feelings are hurt…say so. Express your feelings. Make a marital complaint. Ask for clarity. “Ouch!… What did you mean by that?”
- Complain When it Matters. If you have a feeling…talk about it. You might learn something that might prevent you from having a similar feeling in the future because you now understand a facet of your partner that has escaped your notice up to this point.
- Put A Time Limit on The Complaint. Don’t engage in endlessly conflictual conversations…even if they’ve never had one. Set a comfortable time limit. Chip away at the tough stuff. Be patient. Take it slow.
- Use a Softened Start-up. Making a Softened Startup is a way of setting boundaries for yourself in marriage. Remember, your partner is probably as anxious hearing about your marital complaints as you are making them.
- But Don’t Beat Around the Bush. Get to the point. “I feel_____ about______ and I would prefer________. That would make me happy. What do you think?”
- Don’t bottle things up. Deal with hurt feelings and resentments in the present moment. Let your marital complaints focus on one issue at a time. Don’t store them up. And don’t go global. Be specific, and discuss one issue at a time.
- Ask For What You Need. Tell your partner what you need to repair. Tell them early… and tell them often.
- Have Your Batna in Place. Professional negotiators always consider the BATNA as the Best Alternative To a Negotiated Agreement. Don’t worry if you can’t find a workable long-term solution to your marital complaint. What will work right here… right now?
- Don’t Hide Facts to Avoid Conflict. Forgiveness may be easier to get than permission in business, but unilateral action without consulting your partner is highly problematic in marriages. You want to avoid conflict, not delay it and heighten it by hiding pertinent facts.
- Some Issues Require Total Agreement. Don’t be afraid to discuss your differences on issues that require a united front. Letting your cousin Elmo live with you until he finds a job is not a decision you can make alone.
- Kill Fear With Curiosity. Have a deep conversation. How do you see this issue? Conflict-avoidant couples want to avoid repeating the same conversations or have it fizzling out into the usual mumbled vagaries. You want to tell your partner exactly what you think…and learn what they also consider. You might uncover some exciting differences during your marital complaints. Ask good questions. Use a list of generative questions if you have to. The answers might offer new facets of mutual understanding.
- Don’t Allow Fear of Unresolved Conflict to Derail Your Complaint. You might both have to think about what you learned about the situation and agree to have another conversation after reflection. Nobody is forcing anything on anyone. Take your time.
- Own What You Want. Just because you want something and your partner doesn’t isn’t a good enough reason to drop the subject entirely. It isn’t a moral issue. Nobody is right or wrong. It’s just a difference of opinion.
5. Setting boundaries means setting limits on conflict
This is so profoundly important. When our spouse sees things differently, it’s natural to feel annoyed or angry with them. The problem with any intense emotion is that physiological arousal tends to compromise our ability to think clearly and speak to our partner as if they were someone we loved.
Setting boundaries for yourself means making escalation the enemy. Assertive, clear communication requires a continuous effort toward maintaining emotional regulation.
Science-based couples therapy can give you essential skills for setting boundaries for yourself in marriage.
Closing thoughts
Mastering the art of setting boundaries for oneself in marriage requires an acute awareness of one’s limits, a clear communication of needs, and an adept handling of conflicts. It’s about recognizing that forgiveness isn’t always synonymous with ignoring transgressions and that assertiveness isn’t aggressive but clear and empathetic.
This journey toward healthy boundaries involves active engagement, a keen understanding of differences, and a continual pursuit of effective communication. Ultimately, it’s a blend of personal growth within a union, fostering mutual understanding while preserving individuality. If you want to enhance your skills in setting boundaries within your marriage, seeking guidance and leveraging professional therapy can significantly elevate your relationship’s dynamics and strengthen your bond.
