Dear Dr. K,
I appreciate your article on verbal/emotional abuse, especially the “20 minute cooling off” period. I would, however, like to know your thoughts about situations where the abused calls out the abuse and the abuser fires back statements like; “growing up, all I heard from my brothers and sisters were name-calling to each other. That’s how we spoke, because we fought all the time, and that’s just how all of us responded”. Or, (and this is really unnerving), “if you could sense or feel that I was becoming stressed out, why didn’t you do something ahead of time to help me calm down?”
Just want your thoughts. Also, what if the verbal abuse only happens once or twice a month, or once a month, or once every 3-4 months?
Caught in Cycles of Blame
Dear Caught in Cycles of Blame,
I would say that there are families where the culture is to verbally insult each other in jovial ways. That is just how they relate. Often, I see this in Italian homes. No one would think to be insulted by anyone else’s comment. It’s foul play, and it hurts the insulter’s feelings if the insulted takes the comment personally and becomes upset.
It also sometimes happens with volatile couples, one of three types of couples that Gottman describes as functional.
In these homes, there are a lot of fights, but both people in the marriage enjoy a good debate. They can debate whether you should pass the salt and pepper when somebody says “pass the salt,” and get heated about it. Three minutes later, they’re laughing together at something else. They aren’t contemptuous of each other, but we see more criticism, effectiveness, and stonewalling in these relationships. We also see five times the amount (minimum) of joyous times, compliments, and expressions of fondness and admiration. They may both be from the homes that I described earlier.
That’s all fine and good when everyone agrees on the rules. The problem comes when one person practices a different fighting style than the other.
It is the norm for one person in a couple to say, “This is the way my family has done it, so this is the way that I want to do it.”
I point out, however, that marriage involves two people from different cultures. I don’t care if you grew up across the street from one another, went to the same house of worship, attended the same schools, and had the same friends. You came from a different family culture.
The challenge for every marriage is to construct a new culture that is unique to themselves. This can only be done collaboratively, where each person gets a say about how they want things done.
Not surprisingly, there are areas where they have trouble agreeing—a lot of them.
When the subject is brought up, one or both may feel insulted, confronted, or just plain angry that a partner suggests that something should be done differently. Gottman research shows that of all the problems couples have, 69% are problems like this.
The difference between a happy and unhappy couple is not that the happy couple has fewer than 69% perpetual problems or that somehow they have fewer problems than other couples.
Instead, these couples approach these differences as friends and attempt to understand each other. They work together to find a solution that both can live with.
If your partner enjoys this sort of verbal banter, and you don’t, perhaps they need to spend more time with their family and verbally banter with them in this way.
You don’t like it, and you want it to stop.
What if you enjoyed spicy food but your partner did not? What if you told your partner that your family enjoyed spicy food, and so did you? Would you insist on cooking spicy food whenever it was your turn to cook and then become offended if it wasn’t eaten? No.
Why?
Because a healthy relationship adapts to different needs and desires. Different personalities. Different priorities. Different preferences.
About your partner‘s comment that you should somehow “sense“ when they are becoming upset and attempt to calm them, they have a point.
It is helpful for a couple to each notice when and how the other is beginning to get upset. Each should be equipped with the tools to calm the other down when this happens. We teach this in Intensive Couples Therapy weekends. Gottman calls this “repair attempts.”
But if one person is unable to calm their partner down and their partner “floods, “ the 20-minute rule applies.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s not a woman’s job to keep a husband calm, a man’s job to keep his wife calm, or any partner’s job to keep the other calm.
It’s a mutual goal to have a calm, sane, and rational discussion about an issue you disagree on.
If it’s a perpetual problem, tempers flare easily and quickly. A couple’s ability to notice when their partner is escalating and be able to calm them down effectively is a skill all couples need to learn.
However, I would offer one caveat to this. There are no magic words that instantly calm a partner down. In fact, there is some collaboration between the two when a repair attempt is offered.
The upset person must identify their partner’s efforts as a repair attempt. At the same time, their partner is wise to have things they can say in their pocket that they know will be effective.
I want to point out that It’s a mutual effort to keep the conversation flowing.
You might say things like, “That’s a good point.” “I know it’s not your fault.” Or, “ I love you. Can I have a kiss?”
If any or all of these sound utterly ridiculous to say in disagreement with your spouse, you must learn to fight.
Fighting is not a problem in marriage. Happy couples fight a lot. Other happy couples never fight. Many fight every once in a while.
But no happy couples fight badly. No happy couples have a dirty fighter in the room. No happy couples insult each other when they know it upsets another person. Happy couples attempt to minimize three of the four horsemen of the apocalypse. None of them show the fourth, contempt, in a fight.
Whether once a week, once a month, or once a decade, a contemptuous “War of the Roses” Type fight throws acid on love.
Cuts heal if given enough time, but they remain scars.
Thanks for writing, and I appreciate your comments.
Dr. K
