Research has shown that there are some patterns of interaction in a relationship that are very destructive to love: the four things that really destroy marriages. The four interactions below are the most important of these, according to research by John Gottman, Ph.D. It is a problem if you do it at home, and you will learn to recognize it and I will help you to stop it, if you do it in therapy. Every one of our Couples therapists have been trained to recognize and to help couples change around these destructive patterns.
He calls them “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.
They cause fights about nothing in relationships.
The first one is criticism. In criticism, you frame your complaints as if there’s something defective in your partner. One puts the other one down. It is a global description of a flaw in your partner’s personality. There is a direct implication that something is wrong with your partner’s character. e.g.:
You're a jerk!!!
Of course. Expressing your feelings, even strong, powerful feelings, is fine. But how you do it matters.
A complaint is not like a criticism. A complaint is specific to a behavior you want to change.
A criticism is an attack on the person.
Here is an example:
You have discovered that the toilet seat is up.
The toilet seat is up again. Please try to put it down after you use it."
What's WRONG with you? Are you that lazy that you won't even put down a toilet seat after you use it?"
Criticism is really a problem, because you’re suggesting that the problem is really THE OTHER PERSON. There is no such thing as “constructive criticism.”
With a complaint, the couple kicks the problem around, like a soccer ball. You can work on the problem together, even if you disagree. You can toss it back and forth. You can examine it.
But with a criticism, you are kicking the other person around! THEY are the problem! What they did or didn’t do is just more evidence of why they are such a problem.
When you attack the PERSON, instead of complaining specifically about the behavior you want to change, that’s criticism. So in Couples Therapy, we want to change that. The “masters of marriage” complain. The “disasters of marriage” criticize.
It can be really challenging to break a chronic pattern of criticizing. Our retreats help the couple re-word their criticisms, so they understand the concept deeply, and have practice making good complaints.
Dr. Heide Rodriguez teaches skills of 4 horsemen to new parents in Miami Florida.
The second horseman is defensiveness. When you feel under attack, people get defensive.
Defensiveness is an attempt to protect yourself; to defend your innocence or to ward off a perceived attack. Sometimes it is done by counter-attacking, or by whining (innocent victim stance). e.g. “Me? What about you?”
Defensiveness gives the message that you will not be impacted or influenced by what your partner has to say. They cannot have an effect on you. Partners who feel that they have no impact feel discounted and often become angry in response to defensiveness. They might escalate the fight to get their point across.
The “masters of marriage” accepting some responsibility for what their partner is bringing to them. They don’t bat it back. They don’t deny all charges!
Of course, it gets complicated, too. Sometimes you think you are under attack, but you really aren’t. But it feels like it, so you get defensive.
Here is an example of a defensive response to the raised toilet seat:
Defensiveness: “I didn’t even use the bathroom. How could I have left up the toilet seat?”
Accepting Influence: “I know you asked me before to try to keep it down. I don’t remember even being in there, but I’ll put it down the next time.”
The ability to accept some responsibility, no matter how small, is a cure for defensiveness. You look for what you agree with, in what your partner says, not what you disagree with. You communicate: “I hear you. What you say matters.”
Defensiveness causes things to escalate FAST! As therapists, we need to clearly identify understandable defensiveness (e.g. You’re being attacked…) from perceived criticism. It is a difficult habit to break.
The third Horseman is Stonewalling. In Stonewalling, the listener withdraws from the interaction while staying in the room. There is an effort not to give a clue that he or she is even listening. You will see this type of non-verbal behavior:
People often stonewall because they become overwhelmed internally…what Gottman calls “Flooded.” Their heartbeat races. They stop thinking very clearly. They get highly agitated.
Stonewalling is an ineffective attempt to calm yourself (or the situation) down, but often this doesn’t happen for two reasons:
The alternative to Stonewalling is to learn to calm yourself down actively, and then to re-engage in the conversation. I teach ways to calm down using biofeedback with people who Stonewall.
If women overwhelmingly complain, men overwhelmingly stonewall. 85% of the time. It is useful to help the man recognize why he’s Stonewalling and help him to calm down. Then re-engage. Breaking patterns like this are easier when you have a lot of practice.
Men stonewall 85% of the time compared to women.
The final Horseman is contempt. Contempt is really something to eliminate when it exists in a relationship. It includes things like threats, name calling, and insulting. To do that, we have to change a lot of things in your way of relating.
We see the other three Horsemen in good relationships, but we don’t see Contempt.
Threats are a pattern of psychological abuse, and are never helpful. Nothing is more destructive to love.
Being contemptuous is to put someone down, to take a higher plane – e.g. A higher moral ground. “I’m smarter/better/kinder than you are.” It may include belligerence – declaring an all out war on one another.
Sometimes couples will mock each other. Sometimes they will correct each other’s grammar. The message is “I’m superior to you. You are beneath me.” or “Ya, right, you idiot…”
There is an underlying mindset, a negative habit of mind, in a contemptuous person. The contemptuous person often scans the environment, looking for people’s mistakes, instead of what is positive about their partner or what they can enjoy and appreciate about them.
Contempt is also physically damaging to the receiver. Contempt on the part of one partner predicts infectious illness in the partner receiving the contempt.
Contempt can be shown non-verbally with an eye-roll or a unilateral lifting of the lip. We’re trained to identify these “microexpressions” at a fraction on a second. It helps us to inform the spouse of things they may not even be consciously aware of.
To fight contempt, couples have to work hard to create a culture of appreciation. Both of you may be feeling very unappreciated in this relationship. To change this around, it is important to actively change one’s mindset. Catch your partner doing something right, and tell them you appreciate them for what they are doing.
Troubled couples are very speedy in their interactions. They can flash a sneer or roll their eyes in an instant. This is why true couples therapists are called “Ninja’s.” They have to spring into action, and stop the escalation. Without immediate intervention, our offices become just like your living room couch. All high emotion, no rational conversation. Once we de-escalate, it is time for you to talk about yourself, not what’s wrong with your partner.
You go to a Ninja specialist for exactly that type of expertise.
While not an "official" horsemen, this behavior remains linked to marital destruction. It is also "gendered" meaning we see it in 65% of men, but seldom in women.
Dan Dashnaw, M.S., calls it "part of the male mystique of rugged individualism." To Dashnaw, heroic men seldom accept influence from their women or anyone else for that matter. They "make their own way," "follow their own conscience" or "do what has to be done, regardless of the cost..."
However, in a marriage refusal to accept influence arises when the wife brings up a complaint, and even at the start of the conversation, his "ears are closed." It is perceived of as a sign of disrespect from the wives, but he husbands often feel justified. "Why should I have to listen to that? It's B.S.!"
You listen because collaborative partnership has been a key to happy marriages even before women could vote, own property, or even have custody of their own children.
Rumi, a poet and mystic from the early 13th century put it succinctly when he reportedly said:
The wise man listens to his wife. The brute does not."
To change your relationship, these patterns of interaction have to be recognized and stopped. At Couples Therapy Inc we are devoted to helping you change these harmful interactions.
Every single one of our clinicians has completed Level One and Level Two of the Famous Gottman Training.
Three are on the Certification Track, to join Dr. K in becoming Gottman Method Certified Couples Therapists. In addition, to be called: “Associates,” we don’t stop there. We require one additional approach in couples therapy, beyond graduate courses.
This way, you are assured of the highest quality, best trained clinicians to tackle your most angry fights.
Ready to apply these skills? Let us show you how, using issues you really care about.
Contact a Certified Gottman Couples Therapist at Couples Therapy Inc!
Dr. K is the President and CEO of Couples Therapy Inc. She maintains her Intensive Couples Therapy practice on the edge of the Berkshires in Western Massachusetts.