It's actually worth a lot MORE than money, but we'll get to that.
...you'll have greater wealth than you could ever imagine. Certainly more than if you stayed single.
Millionaires overwhelmingly stay married, on average 30 years.
On the other hand: The reverse is also true:
...will leave you broke, resentful, and probably sick to boot, either mentally, spiritually, physically or all three.
If you're a driven, ambitious person who isn't getting along well in your marriage, you probably need to have some objective input.
You won't get far married to the wrong person, fighting all the time (badly), or feeling like you are each on a different page.
And you will really do poorly by taking these same bad social skills into your next marriage because the chances of your second marriage working out are 30% lower than the first one.
My job is to help people figure out if they married Mr. or Ms. Right then teach them to fight well and dream together well.
The couples we work with don't worry about survival needs. And most of them can hire a handyman to repair something that's broken. Or clean their houses. Or cook for them. So we aren't talking here about staying married because you need an extra paycheck or someone to help with the mortgage.
Most Millionaires know that having a 'helpmate' means a lot more than a handyman or a cook.
They know that having a spouse means having an intimate friend, a companion, someone to share a life with and talk about things that really matter. Someone who wants you to come home at night and misses you when you can't. Someone who looks forward to kissing you and getting that rush of affectionate and passionate feeling. Someone you know, for a fact, didn't marry you for your money, because you probably didn't have any when you got married. At least according to the comprehensive research of the brilliant psychologist Dr. Thomas Stanley.
That's why Millionaires Stay Married.
And if you think they stay married because some "gold digger wife" is buying tons of vacations and jewels to make living with "the old geezer tolerable," you're watching too much reality TV. And they aren't movie stars, or in some glamorous profession, either. You would never know they were millionaires by meeting them.
They are the "Millionaires Next Door" that you'd never suspect are working because they love it.
It's who they are.
The average Millionaire was not rich when he (yes, most are men...) married, and he stayed married through an average of three financial setbacks, BEFORE making his first million.
"Lost their shirts" kinda thing.
Learned from it, then rebuilt the next business. "Lost their shirts" (or perhaps just their collars this time...) and started over smarter.
And the entire time, their wives were there saying:
"None of that's important. You learned from it. Just try again...I believe in you...
Which was remarkably similar to what their parents said to them when they did rather mediocre in college:
"College isn't everything, you'll find your way. Just keep going."
That's not every millionaire's story, of course.
Some of these men had terrible childhoods:
That's a second profile. And those marriages need a different approach that helps them form a more healing bond.
But what this first group of men had, which was so rare, was not wealth handed to them (most of them didn't), or an exceptional education (most didn't, either, and many never went to college...). What they had was a partner who loved and cared for them, whether they were rich or poor. Parents who respected and cared for them, regardless of the grades they got.
Money didn't matter when they didn't have any in these marriages, and money didn't impact them much when they had a lot of it.
It was their relationship that mattered most.
When millionaires come to me, they are often stuck and are focused on trying to healing what's broken. They recognize that starting over with another person is not only expensive economically, but extremely expensive emotionally. Their partners are their "compasses." Their "directional," even if their spouse knows relatively little about the technicalities of their businesses or professions.
And they know full well that you can't buy love.
And you can't.
You really can't.
Their marriages are much more valuable than money, because they've lost money and they've made money, but they've always kept their spouses.
A spouse who's more precious than gold.
I love working with my millionaires because they have two consistent qualities that I admire: Integrity and a willingness to engage in Hard Work.
Not everyone displays a ton of integrity when they first show up, don't get me wrong. Sometimes they've lost their way. Sometimes it is an affair, or they've become bullies. Sometimes they are depressed. Sometimes it's a child that prevents the two of them from getting on the same page and working together.
But I can pull on that integrity because I know it's in there for most of the couples I treat.
I can talk a language of integrity (and sometimes that's pretty tough to hear...) and they can listen.
And these couples have known hard times and don't shy away from hard, hard work.
Smart, economically successful people respect the truth if you have the guts to tell them.
If you're not used to dealing with Millionaires, you'll hear their "roar," and perhaps become frightened by it.
The 'All Purpose Therapist' might even be afraid to "lose" wealthy clients if they challenge these powerful people.
That is so, so wrong.
It's the kiss of death with these clients.
It's the exact wrong way to go.
So these couples go from therapist to therapist, never hearing what they need to hear in order to start changing the way they relate.
In a really troubled marriage on the verge of divorce, sometimes it's as candid as:
"You have to realize that for this marriage to start working again you're going to have to shrink that ego of yours. It got you where you are now...as successful as you are. It was useful. It made you rich. But it's not going to work in this marriage anymore, if it ever really did.
Your wife won't be bullied by: "Because I said so..." And she's tired of being ignored. I know you love your wife. I know you want very much to stay married. And I can help you to do that. But you have to hear me when I say this:
'There is a part of you that is going to reject everything I'm about to tell you. If you listen to that part, you'll fail at making your marriage as successful as your financial life..."
Then I tell them what I have to say that's difficult to hear.
It's never the same message. But it is usually a powerful message.
I work well with Millionaires because I'm not intimidated by wealth. Or power.
And I don't need their business.
I appreciate their business, don't get me wrong. I have the best clients in the world and I'm honored to work with them. But I don't need their business.
Instead, I'm always on the side of any marriage that has a good possibility of thriving.
Even if they can't see it.
And often they can't see the upside. Can't imagine that there is any hope.
They can't see the positives because the nature of marital unhappiness, always makes the outcome look grim.
What do I see in problematic Millionaire marriages?
And often it is a struggle to figure out how to cut back, cut down, accept that you've fought a great fight, and now it's time to get your enjoyment from other things.
Commonly called "retirement," but most of these folks never REALLY retire.
They just do something else.
And that something else can sometimes be a tough nut to discover.
I'll say it again:
I only hire "Million Dollar Couples Therapists."
Because my clients demand the very best when it comes to protecting something they treasure.
Millionaires spend more time with an accountant than fancy vacation travel.
That is IF they know what to look for, and in couples therapy, this can be hard to sort out.
You can watch this video about how I didn't know what to look for EITHER when my first marriage fell apart...Maybe they went to a local therapist and felt like they got nowhere. And blamed their marriage. That's a common story we hear.
Neither can a therapist who works individually with Millionaires.
You need to find someone with an absolute passion for couples therapy.
A fanatic who focuses in an incredibly single-minded way at honing and refining their skills in Couples Therapy.
I look at a lot of resumes each week, and I can tell you, that's a rare find.
I could go into more detail but just know this:
Because your insurance won't pay for it, your average All-Purpose Therapist hasn't a clue how to work effectively with couples.
At best, even in a Marriage and Family Therapy program, they've taken only a single course.
In contrast, we expect each seasoned couples therapist we hire to have expertise in at least two methods of working with couples, one of which must be evidence-based.
I search the Globe and have spent a lot of money finding these gems.
I'm so proud of each and every one of them.
They stand out because they've bucked the odds and trained in couples therapy for one reason: They love working with couples.
Because when you love something you work at it. You conquer the odds. You excel above your competitors. You don't think like the crowd or accept 'truisms.'
(But you know that.)
You find a way of doing it when the entire field says there's nothing in it for you. (Like insurance money, because insurance companies don't pay for couples therapy...)
We'd love to help you.
You don't have to be a millionaire to see us, but if you do, you'll be on your way to the wealth of a strong marriage.
(We specialize also in couples with "neuro-atypical pairing" such as ADHD, Asperger's, and the like).
Call us for more information at 844-926-8753 to reach Cindy at extension 2 for a 20 minute consultation.
Dr. K is the President and CEO of Couples Therapy Inc. She maintains her Intensive Couples Therapy practice over the winter in Miami, Fl and the rest of the year in Boston and on the edge of the Berkshires in Western Massachusetts. She is a Gottman Certified Couples Therapist, has advanced training in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy, and has been a AASECT board-certified sex therapist from 1982-2017. She continues her work in sex therapy.