Separated and Dating: Key Considerations

Have you considered starting a romantic relationship or going on dates with someone new while separated from your spouse?

It is tempting to date while you are legally married but living apart. Slow down. While the decision to date while separated is a personal one it has emotional and legal considerations.

1. Emotional readiness

This is an emotionally charged period. Have you discussed whether this is a trial or permanent separation? Many troubled couples aren't sure whether or not they want to remain married. Many just need a break to clear their heads.

While they are not living together, they haven't made a decision about staying married. Dating during a marital separation can tip the scales. Decide whether or not you want to dissolve the marriage before you involve other people in your emotional or intimate life.

One of you might be "leaning in" and the other "leaning out." You may need help in sorting out an array of confusing feelings. Emotions run high, and introducing another romantic relationship is usually ill-advised.

You may feel lonely and want validation that you are still desirable. However, dating during this time is likely to have unintended consequences. It might prevent you both from calmly sorting out whether your marriage can work with the right help.

2. What comes up for you when you consider that your spouse wants to date someone else?

If you are unphased, it may indicate that the emotional bonds are truly broken. However, if you feel emotionally upset, jealous, or angry, these bonds may still be strong.

Keep focusing on yourself, your needs, and what your marriage means to you. Allow yourself the time to decide if this marriage is truly over. If it is, take the time to grieve this loss. If it is not, make your feelings clear and accept that you are one half of the decision makers.

Consider carefully whether you are emotionally ready to enter into new romantic relationships. Will it hinder the healing and growth process for yourself and your estranged spouse?

3. What do you call your spouse when you are separated?

It may provide a clue about how you feel about the relationship.

"My spouse"

Referring to your partner this way indicates you recognize that you are still in a legally binding relationship. It also indicates respect as you go through this process. If you still feel married emotionally, this is how you will refer to him or her.

"My estranged spouse"

The term "estranged spouse" describes someone who is living apart but still legally married. It describes an ongoing and intense emotional feeling of being alienated from someone you were once bonded to. You might still have powerful feelings about them, even if they are negative. The opposite of love is not hate, it’s disinterest.

"My former partner"

"Former" still acknowledges that a relationship did exist, but it has changed or ended.

"My ex-spouse"

Not legally true but it might be emotionally true for you. This indicates that you no longer believe that the relationship is viable.

What you call your partner depends upon your personal circumstances and the nature of the separation. Your children or spouse may be shocked to hear the term "ex-spouse" if this was a trial separation. Make sure whatever terminology you decide on is based upon a mutual understanding with your separated partner. Communicating with your spouse during separation is essential once things calm down.

4. Does being separated mean single?

No, when a couple lives separately, they are still a legally married couple in the eyes of the law. A formal separation agreement will spell out new rules for your marriage, however. Being single means you finished the divorce process and waited the required time.

5. How do I know if I’m legally separated?

I am not a lawyer, but here is some general information. The laws governing legal separation vs divorce will vary depending on where you live, even within states or country provinces. You'll need to consult a legal professional for specifics because laws vary so greatly.

  • Have you filed separation paperwork?

Being legally separated instead of divorced requires you to file specific paperwork in some areas. This includes a separation agreement or petition. "Legal separation" is a formal process and a legal agreement. It spells out various aspects of the separated relationship. Have you spoken to a legal expert?

They can explain the separation process and provide tailored advice to your circumstances. They will also help you understand the legal implications and requirements for making this a formal legal status including:

  • division of assets,
  • child custody,
  • child support,
  • practicing religious beliefs with the minor children
  • health insurance benefits,
  • social security, and other financial benefits
  • spousal support, and

...many other related matters. Unlike divorce, it does not terminate marital status. You are still legally married even while living apart. A court filed and accepted separation agreement might be the first step toward filing for divorce.

  • Did you obtain a court order?

Depending on where you live, obtaining a court order may be necessary to formalize the legal marriage separation. This order outlines the terms and conditions discussed above. It also requires you to stick to the terms of the agreements you've made.

6. We are not legally separated but living apart. Can we date other people?

You might think you are not together anymore, but you are still married until the divorce is final. This includes a waiting period in some states.

In some jurisdictions, dating while still legally married can impact divorce proceedings. This is particularly true if there are concerns about infidelity or the dissipation of marital assets. It's essential to consult with a family law attorney who can provide guidance based on the laws specific to your jurisdiction.

Additionally, even if dating is legally permissible, it's important to consider the emotional impact. Separation is a complex and sensitive time, and introducing new romantic partners into the equation can complicate matters further.

Communicate with your spouse

Open and honest communication with your spouse is crucial. Discuss your intentions and expectations regarding dating while separated, taking into account each other's feelings and concerns.

Consider the emotional impact of being married but separated

Separation is often an emotionally charged time for both parties. Consider how dating can impact your emotions, your partner's emotions, and any children involved.

Set clear boundaries

If you and your spouse agree to date while separated, it's important to establish clear boundaries and expectations. Discuss what is acceptable and respectful behavior during this period of separation. This might mean using protection from sexually transmitted diseases, especially if you still date each other.

Prioritize the best interests of children

If you have children, their well-being should be a top priority. Consider the potential impact of dating on them and ensure that their needs and emotional stability are protected.

Remember, each separation is unique, and the process of healing and moving forward takes time. To handle being separated but not divorced, take care of yourself, talk openly, and get help. This will help you avoid problems and move towards a better future.

Ready for a change in your relationship?

It starts with a no-obligation 15 minute phone call with our client services team.

Dr. Kathy McMahon


Dr. Kathy McMahon (Dr. K) is a clinical psychologist and sex therapist. She is also the founder and president of Couples Therapy Inc. Dr. K feels passionate about couples therapy and sex therapy and holds a deep respect towards those who invest in making their relationship better. She is currently conducting online and in person private couples retreats.

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  1. Hello I been married for 13 years…this past 2 years we been separated and living apart. He told me 2 months ago he wanted to work things out with me and we try this again but then a few weeks ago he changed his mind and said he doesn’t know if he wants to be in a relationship with anymore and that he wants us to just continue to date and see what happens. But I want my husband back and just dating him and thinking he might be with another women when he is not with me hurts my soul. I love this man and we have both changed in a good way. We were married young and separated because we did not know how to treat each other. But now we are both in a much better space and are getting along and seeing each other but now I want the family thing back and to be with my husband . How can he just change his mind that quick..what should I do? I thinking do just step away completely. Thank you, for taking the time and reading this.

    1. Two years is sort of a transition point, Tasha. He will decide he wants to be married to you, or he doesn’t. “Casual dating” your spouse is a hard pill to swallow. Even harder to to hear “I want you…Never mind.” Even dating couples insist on monogamy. If he is willing to commit, determine how long you are willing to date before getting back together and then enjoy your time with him. If he still wants to date you and other people, it sounds like that’s a deal breaker. Be clear about what you want and are willing to put up with for your own self-esteem. Being a doormat doesn’t make you attractive, it makes you “available.” Hard place to be. So sorry. -Dr. K

  2. Been married for almost 10 years now suddenly my husband wanted to divorce I just found out he's been having an affair with his coworker what's worse is that he's been living with his mistress in our home while I was out of country. We had 2 daughters he said he will file for our divorce this month but I have no idea about the laws here in the US about the divorce and also about our kids

    1. You write: “I’m walking out of here knowing what I will no longer tolerate because I’m placing & enforcing boundaries. I’ve finally learned that we really do teach people how to treat us. By our lack of boundaries & acceptance. I’m finally past all of it & my guilt is gone…”

      Amen.

  3. My husband cheated 7 years ago. I’ve tried to move on from it. But I feel violated from all of this sexually and I haven’t been able to get past this. We haven’t had sex in 4 years and I feels like we’re roommates. I think we need to be separated if not divorced. When I brought up separation he acted like it was a surprise.

    So in this I felt we decided separation but I’m leaning more towards divorce. I’ve looked at dating sites and when I went to delete came across one person I was interested in. He’s turned out to be amazing. What to do now?

    1. Always best to do things in the proper stages: 1. separate. That’s very hard and is a very important time in an individual’s life to decide if you want it to be permanent or not. 2. divorce. Also one of the most challenging transitions in adulthood. Consider going into therapy to learn what role you’ve played in the marriage breaking down. It will really benefit you in the next one 3. Date. Many relationships seem ideal initially. Now, as the divorce is behind you, you can enjoy this stage. That’s my advice. If your amazing new guy is truly meant to be, he will still be amazing once this is behind you. -Dr. K

  4. When you are legally married and spouse is still paying the bills and all the normal responsibilities,but no longer living together can the wife date and bring another man into the family home in the middle of the night while kids are asleep? Also this man has no job and possibly has brought substance in to the home? Some advice would be nice,thank you

    1. This article emphasizes the need to openly discuss the rules about whether dating is acceptable, where, and how. Clearly, you have a lot of feelings, AS, about this situation. It's the reason why everyone has to give thought to dating while still married. It's a volatile and explosive issue that is best dealt with before the fact. -Dr. K

    2. This article emphasizes the need to openly discuss the rules about whether dating is acceptable, where, and how. Clearly, you have a lot of feelings, AS, about this situation. It's the reason why everyone has to give thought to dating while still married. It's a volatile and explosive issue that is best dealt with before the fact. -Dr. K

  5. Married 21yrs. 2yrs ago spouse moved out. Last 10yrs put up w/Hoarding wife. Son now 18. Embarrassed to bring friends over. Me too. 3yrs ago found texts to couple of men. Confronted her, denied knowing them. Last 6 mths. I found her and 1 man in question from text I asked about together 4x. All late night 1-on beach 11:30 pm,2-her apt. 10-11pm, 3-his apt 12am. 4, his apt. and spent the night. 2x he came out aggressive. (I cut her grass that day for her) but ended up talking to him calmly. And he admitted they 3 yrs on/off. He was told her & I were done. She lied. 3x his apt. Came at me screaming and ready to fight. I told him. I'm already beat down. I don't need beat down even more. , I was in his neighbors driveway where her car was (our). Words between us not good. Man to man. Go to get in my truck to leave. He started punching me 4-6 x w/my back turned. Bruised jaw, ear and knots on top of head. Mind you he is 6'2 body builder type. 47,. Me 5'10" 185lb, thin and 57yrs old. And not the physical shape he is. He threaten me for future punishment. Chased my truck running. I called the law. They tell me to not come back or go to jail. All I wanted was the truth from my wife. Why are you over there at 12am. I was on my way back from getting our son some food to eat. Didn't deliberately go by his apt. Its been same route i enter into my neighborhood for 24yrs. His apt 750ft from my HOME. The 4th x she spent the night over with him. (I'm sure there has been more) Our car was parked across street from apt. In a condo garage. I noticed the car there the night before because i was patronizing an eating establishment. Next day 11am swung by car. He is dropping her off at the car. I didn't stop and they did see me. She has denied this and the relationship from day one. Claimed 1k on w2's ea of last 2 yrs. Said she had a job. Really hasn't worked in 10yrs. Quit her job of 20yrs before that. Me.. work everyday, pay all bills, mortgage,etc… and equity loan her debt of 30k. Auto, health ins. and utilities. Barely do I make ends meet each month. She hasn't filed for divorce. Keeps begging for money. I've begged for us to go to therapy many yrs. She is the dream of all men's dreams. Drop dead gorgeous (literally) and have tried to get her to come home. I would forgive her too. If she would admit the truth. But, she says it's been over for along time. She loves me but not the same way. I try to talk to her. She gets all defensive about her whereabouts. And blames everyone else for her problems. And this is all my fault. Now granted our marriage was not perfect. But our son is all each other have and we are all he has. She didn't show for HS grad, 18th B-day. Never has he been in her apt. And he is not allowed inside. And neither have am I. Which her mother owns. Owe… most importantly she got her breast augmented while out of the house. With sons $ for braces that I gave to her. I managed to still get him braces and paid for it myself. That has cost me $10k. Creditors garnished her wages way back when she worked. The creditors took our sons youth savings acct. $7k gifted from relatives. Then… he started working. She opens another joint acct w/son and not me. He saved summer job earnings and she withdrew close to $3k this time. And never has apologized to me or him. And I still loved her. Now its time to let go. I want to be fare. Not going keep anything from her. Still has belongings at home. Her name is on the mortgage. Never has paid for anything while not employed. Caused alot of problems financially. And I'm in the home with our son. And no help from her. What can, should or need to do ? She will not cooperate or talk to me more than 5mins. One final kicker. No intimate sex for 6yrs. Never once have I cheated on her. And all our friends, family and her knows it !! How do I divorce her calm, cool and collectively ? Loved to just go through meditation. We have no joint accounts. Except the home. Which she never has paid a dime. When things were normal. She did always supply most of the groceries. Somebody help me please !!

  6. Look up Narcissistic Personality Disorder and “supply”;. Just a suggestion in addition to seeking help from a professional therapist. It may have no relation. But it may.

  7. I am dating a separated man for 4 yrs he lives with me but still share bank acct with his wife and 4 kids, he says he has not filed because of finances but he lives with me and his paycheck cannot pay for her and me both, he says he is waiting for oldest to finish high school but in the mean time it would be better if he was divorced because then we would have 2 incomes, it's complicated but I need some advice-

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