When couples argue, taking a timeout can be really helpful. It’s not about walking away from the problem – it’s about stepping back briefly so both people can calm down and think clearly. This short break stops angry words from making things worse and helps couples return to their discussion in a better state of mind, ready to work things out together.

Initiate the Time-Out

  • Use timeouts as circuit breakers. A timeout is a ripstop—the cord you pull to stop a runaway train—and a brake—the thing you use to HALT an interaction that has either crossed over into or is quickly crossing over into haywire. Timeouts have one job and one job only: to abruptly stop a psychologically violent or unconstructive interaction between you and your partner.
  • Take your time out from the “I”– Calling for a time out has everything to do with me and NOTHING to do with you. Calling for a time-out means that I don’t like how I am feeling or what I am doing or about to do. Whether or not you think you have a problem with how you’re behaving or how “it’s” going between us is strictly your business.
  • Take distance responsibly– Time outs are a form of distance taking, and like all forms of distance taking, there are two ways to do it – provocatively or responsibly. Responsible distance-taking has two pieces: 1) An explanation and 2) A promise of return. “This is why I am seeking distance and this is when I intend to return.” Provocative distance taking, by contrast, has neither – you take the distance without any explanation or taking care of your partner’s anxieties about your leaving. Provocative distance-taking as ineffective since it tends to get you chased.

Execute the Time-Out

  • Use the phrase (time out) or the gesture (the “T” sign) as an abbreviation.– When you are flooded, it is harder to control what you say. The ability to turn heel and leave is always under your control.– The phrase “time out” or the T sign as a gesture are abbreviations for the following phrase: “Honey, no matter how you may be feeling or assessing things, I don’t like how I’m doing, and I don’t trust what I am about to do. So, I’m taking time to regain my composure and will return to you when I do.”
  • Don’t let yourself get stopped– Time outs are unilateral. They are your last-ditch effort to avoid painful words or actions. Unlike virtually every other couple’s tool, timeouts are a non-negotiable declaration – “I’m leaving.” You’re not asking permission, and you cannot allow yourself to be stopped. Don’t call a time out, and stand there and keep talking! Leave. Leave the room, go into another – a bedroom, for example – and close the door.– If your partner won’t leave you alone, then leave the house – with or without the kids, your call. Go down the block for a cup of coffee. If your partner becomes aggressive and physically blocks you from leaving, call the police and have them come to assist you. I have rarely met a couple where the police had to be called more than once.
  • Use check-ins at prescribed intervals. Since you’re not using a time-out to punish your partner but rather to calm things down, you must check in with your partner occasionally to gauge your emotional state. The intervals I suggest are an hour, three hours, a half–day, a whole day, or an overnight. Check-ins can be done in person, although cooler media might be advised. You can also check in by phone or even text.

The Time-Out Mindset

  • Remember your goal–Time outs are about one thing – stopping in its tracks emotionally violent, immature, destructive behavior. Stopping such behavior in your relationship is a goal that supersedes all other goals. You may need to work on better communication, more sharing, or negotiation, but none will happen until you succeed in wrestling the beast of nasty transactions to the ground. Whatever point you want to make, whatever the content of the issue, nothing matters more than ending these sorts of transactions – so keep your priorities straight – nothing takes precedence over a time out.
  • Return in good faith—when you are ready to end a time-out, when you and your partner are both reseated enough in your adult selves to have a positive interaction again. That means you, too. Don’t return with a grudge or a chip on your shoulder—you’ll start the fight again. Come back when you are genuinely ready to make peace.
  • Use a twenty-four-hour moratorium on triggering topics. Many couples make the mistake of trying to “process” what happens when they re-engage. This is a bad idea. When you return from a time-out, just make nice to each other. Give your partner a hug and a cup of tea. Do not try to sort through whatever topic triggered the time out for twenty-four hours.

Good Timeout (Tina and Corrie):

During a heated argument about household chores, Tina feels herself getting increasingly angry. She makes the “T” gesture with her hands and says, “Corrie, I need a timeout because I’m too upset to discuss this properly right now. I’m going to take a walk around the block to clear my head, and I’ll be back in 30 minutes so we can talk more calmly.” She follows through, returns at the promised time, and hugs Corrie. They spend the evening watching TV together, waiting until the next day to revisit the chores discussion.

Provocative Timeout (Philip and Heidi):

During a disagreement about weekend plans, Philip abruptly stands up and says, “I can’t deal with this!” He grabs his keys and storms out of the house without explanation. Feeling anxious and angry about his sudden departure, Heidi calls and texts him repeatedly. She gets in her car to look for him when he doesn’t respond. This only escalates the tension between them, and when Philip finally returns hours later, they’re both more upset than before.

The key differences are:

  • Tina explained why she needed the break and when she’d return
  • Tina kept her promise about the return time
  • Philip left without explanation or return timeline
  • Philip’s approach triggered anxiety and pursuit from his partner

Seeking Support

  • Know when to get help and use it.– If you find that a particular topic – kids, sex, money – ALWAYS triggers a nasty transaction, take that as a signal that you need some outside support to have that conversation constructively. Go to a minister or a mental health professional for help. If you find that heated, unhelpful transactions occur with enough regularity that you frequently resort to time-outs, take that as a signal that you and your partner need ongoing couple work.

In Closing

Remember, the art of utilizing time-outs isn’t about avoidance but about recalibration. Couples can transform these brief respites into catalysts for better understanding, empathy, and conflict resolution by implementing these rules. Each time-out becomes an opportunity to steer clear of harmful interactions and cultivate an environment where respect, consideration, and growth flourish within the relationship.