Spouse or Mate Poaching as a Dramatic and Risky Behavior

Let’s talk about a challenging reality in relationships – partner poaching. It’s a pattern where someone deliberately pursues someone already committed to someone else. While it happens across all genders, we’ll focus on female partner poaching.

What is mate poaching or spouse poaching? Some see romance as a competition and successful poaching as typical human behavior. These personal relationships are no one’s business but the parties involved.

Others view it as a destructive act engaged in by character-disordered people who set out to destroy families. When they target an individual, they brazenly vie to lure them out of their existing relationship.

This is called “mate poaching” (Schmitt et al., 2004; Schmitt & Buss, 2001).

The Reality of Partner Poaching

Partner poaching isn’t rare. Research by David Schmitt, studying 16,000 people across multiple countries, found it affects 10-15% of committed relationships. One particularly striking study revealed that over half of women reported their current partner was previously in another relationship when they met.

The dynamic isn’t unique to humans. We see similar patterns across many species – it’s a behavior rooted in evolutionary history. But unlike our animal cousins, human relationships involve complex emotions, social contracts, and moral considerations.

This is the most common type of mate poaching that clients report to us. Nevertheless, attempting to steal someone’s spouse is more precarious than attempting to steal their mate. In certain jurisdictions, it is even illegal. A study carried out in 2004 revealed that 54% of women “snatched” their current partner from a prior relationship.

US and Australian scientists study connections formed by previously single people to understand their development and differences.

Evolutionary psychologists express concern regarding the practice of mate poaching. Studies indicate that mate poaching is a global phenomenon prevalent in numerous countries and cultures, making it a widespread interpersonal problem.

Poaching in romantic relationships has always been with us.

According to evolutionary psychologist David M. Buss, women have always competed for Alpha males. Mate poaching is a prevalent tactic. In communities where attractive males are scarce, females fiercely vie for them through poaching.

Mate poaching is common because it is a safe strategy for women carrying few risks. This is in contrast to men who directly run the risk of violence should they attempt to mate, poaching another man’s wife. Nonetheless, deadly clashes among female rivals are relatively uncommon.

Not only humans exhibit mate-stealing behavior. Various species (de Waal, 1986) and diverse human cultural groups (e.g., Schmitt et al., 2004) engage in this behavior.

The Psychology Behind the Pattern

What drives someone to pursue a person who’s already committed? Often, it’s not just about attraction. Research points to a complex mix of personality traits that psychologists call the “Dark Triad” – a combination of narcissistic tendencies, manipulative behaviors, and emotional detachment.

These traits include Machiavellian intelligence, narcissism, and psychopathy (Jonason et al., 2010). Workplace mate poachers have inherently unstable intimate relationships. They struggle to hold on to partners and frequently willingly allow themselves to be poached away. Studies show that many mate poachers have personality disorders like narcissism or Borderline Personality Disorder (Jonason et al., 2015).

But it’s not always that simple. Sometimes, the person doing the pursuing is trapped in their own unhealthy relationship patterns. They might be seeking validation, wrestling with attachment issues, or caught in an addictive cycle of chase and conquest.

People who try to steal someone’s partner often seek therapy when they feel their relationship is in trouble. Josephs (2016) states that conducting individual psychotherapy with those who poach partners is a difficult task. These clients experience distressing high drama and high risk/high reward. The therapist goes along for a very bumpy ride.

Scientists are studying why people choose untrustworthy partners despite valuing honesty and trust in long-term relationships. The answer may lay in mate poaching as an addictive reproductive strategy. It plays on the same reward centers as problem gambling or drug addiction.

The highs of successful seduction exist. There are also the lows when the relationship ends. Mate poaching can become a repetitive and addictive habit.

Challenging, hazardous, and emotionally charged

“Poaching” another person’s partner can be a complex and risky endeavor (refer to Davies et al., 2010; Schmitt & Buss, 2001). Schmitt and Buss (2001) found that the chances of experiencing rejection are higher than average.

Mate-poaching is also a high-drama endeavor. Strong feelings are in play. When someone tries to take someone else’s partner, both people involved may feel very stressed or guilty.

Mate poaching may result in acts of retaliation or social disapproval (Daly & Wilson, 1989). Even though they might momentarily seize attention, the likelihood of the relationship ending is high.

What are female mate poaching tactics?

Partner poaching often follows a predictable pattern. It usually starts subtly – perhaps with lingering eye contact or seemingly innocent requests for help at work. The pursuit typically progresses through stages:

  • Building a friendship under the guise of professional or social connection
  • Gradually introducing more personal topics
  • Creating opportunities for emotional intimacy
  • Testing boundaries while maintaining plausible deniability

It typically starts with a covetous lingering gaze.

Other tactics may include:

  •  flirtation,
  • provocative body language, or
  • spying on the relationship through a shared friend.

Individuals who mate poach frequently attract notice by asking for assistance at work. Subsequently, they methodically develop a non-romantic bond with the person they’re aiming for.

Commonly, mate poachers subtly shift to more intimate subjects as time progresses.  They may begin asking increasingly more intimate and exploratory questions. This has been documented with workplace mate poachers (Mogilski & Wade, 2013).

Spouse poachers are frequently already involved in a relationship. They tend to mislead or trick their existing partner. Scientists say that people who try to steal a partner may show more love towards their current partner. The objective is to conceal their attempts to lure another associate and avoid suspicion.

The spouse poacher’s home life

The poacher is always optimistic about finding a desirable yet already committed partner. They are constantly seeking to upgrade. Studies of college partners do not indicate that a steady spouse is more successful or handsome than any other. Conversely, an individual who steals a partner could be suffering in an unhealthy relationship and soften the impact of an office-based affair.

Affairs and work environments

Sukmahaningtyas (2024) argues that unfaithfulness cannot happen without a tolerant environment. Coworkers who are willing to have sex with married coworkers maintain this permissive environment. In the co-ed work environment, mate poachers have available seducible partners.

Investigative clinical studies on mate poaching could benefit Human Resources Departments. Mate poachers and their victims continuously generate social chaos in a business environment.

It’s known that mate poachers are reluctant to back down when situations become complicated. They may, in fact, ramp up. One potential client reported that the woman mate poaching her husband reversed the table on her. The spouse poacher proclaimed all over social media that she was the wife while the real wife was the homewrecker. It caused this woman real difficulties.

Mate poachers serially harass and cyber-stalk their affair partner’s wives. HR departments take the calls.

Human Resources departments urgently require thorough training to cultivate an affair in the workplace environment that is supportive of families and maintains suitable limits.

Thanks to the late Dr. Shirley Glass, there is research that can inform an HR program to prevent mate poaching in the workplace. The mate poacher is not the only one who creates a permissive work environment. The environment of corporations and workplaces also contributes significantly.

Mate poachers flourish in lenient settings, hence the growing focus on workplace culture. Some choose to move from one romantic relationship to another by finding a new partner at their workplace.

However, affairs outside of marriage are gradually losing their ability to shock and upset in the broader society.

In a recent poll, 57% of women said they would lose respect for a female friend who dated a married man. Approximately 77% of females would have a lower opinion of a male friend who is engaged in an extramarital affair.

A century ago, people strongly disapproved of “adultery,” but now, many people feel uncomfortable with it.

However, spouse poaching is still a riskier move than mate poaching. In some states, it is even against the law.

Nonetheless, stealing someone’s spouse is a more perilous act than poaching a mate. In certain jurisdictions, it’s even illegal.

Masculine privilege

Some successful men believe they are entitled to take advantage of the women working for them. However, the # MeToo movement has brought about a much-needed cultural shift. Individuals who engage in mate poaching often attract notice by asking for assistance in professional matters. Subsequently, they gradually cultivate a non-romantic companionship with their desired victim first. Poachers then gradually alter the topics of conversation as time progresses.

Confronted with monetary implications, businesses are reassessing the level of “leniency” in their corporate culture.

Organizations are currently dismissing single CEOs who participate in even consensual affairs with relationship intruders.

The prevalent cliché of the influential male and the status-symbol female aligns with research results from various cultures. Over time, men have been attracted to beauty and youth, and women are attracted to power and resources. Unfortunately, research has confirmed this stereotype.

Beauty and attractiveness

Let’s discuss physical allure. Mate poachers frequently display charm and attractiveness. Understandably, their approach is to attract a high-quality partner into a relationship. Some mate poachers are overtly flirtatious, but many are more cunning than openly alluring. Appealing partners tend to draw others, and others are more likely to desire them (Buss, 1989; Overbeek & Engels, 2010).

Some researchers assert that mate poachers often depend on the good taste and choices other women have already made. According to these researchers, individuals who attempt to steal partners are more likely to find men in relationships attractive because someone else has already chosen them.

The Hard Truth About Outcomes

The research tells us that these relationships rarely lead to lasting happiness. A comprehensive survey of over 4,000 business executives found that only 3% of divorced men ended up with their affair partners. Even more telling? When these relationships do turn into marriages, about 70% end in divorce within five years.

Why? Because relationships built on unstable foundations tend to crumble. Trust issues often persist, and the excitement of the chase gives way to the realities of day-to-day life.

The workplace element adds another layer of complexity. Modern organizations are increasingly aware of how these dynamics can poison professional environments. The #MeToo movement has sparked meaningful conversations about power, consent, and professional boundaries.

These insights aren’t just academic but drawn from decades of relationship research and clinical experience. While older studies like Schmitt & Buss (2001) laid the groundwork for understanding these patterns, more recent research helps us understand why these relationships often fail and how to build healthier alternatives.

Concluding Remarks

Davies, Shackleford, and Hass (2007) have inferred that the majority of males and females would instead form a romantic relationship with someone single. Resorting to mate poaching is commonly a last-ditch effort when other attempts have been unsuccessful. It’s a high-risk, intense endeavor, and achieving success frequently involves significant social repercussions.

Nevertheless, mate-poaching is everywhere because it works pretty well sometimes for some people. Mate poaching still happens, even though it can harm marriages and committed relationships worldwide, as well as damage reputations.

The reality of mate poaching presents us with uncomfortable truths about human relationships. While some may find temporary success in pursuing committed partners, the data tells a sobering story – only 3% of these relationships result in lasting unions and those that do frequently end in divorce. The emotional toll extends far beyond the immediate participants, affecting families, workplaces, and broader social circles. As our understanding of healthy relationships evolves and workplace cultures shift toward greater accountability, it’s crucial to recognize mate poaching for what it is: a high-risk behavior that rarely leads to lasting happiness. The path to meaningful, fulfilling relationships isn’t found in pursuing those who are already committed, but in building connections based on mutual trust, respect, and genuine availability.”

Revised 11/17/23

References

Daly, M., & Wilson, M. (1989). Homicide and cultural evolution. Ethology & Sociobiology, 10(1-3), 99–110. https://doi.org/10.1016/0162-3095(89)90014-9

Davies A.P., Shackelford T.K., Hass R.G. When a “poach” is not a poach: re-defining human mate poaching and re-estimating its frequency. Arch Sex Behav. 2007 Oct;36(5):702-16. doi: 10.1007/s10508-006-9158-8. PMID: 17333321.

de Waal, F. B. (1986). The brutal elimination of a rival among captive male chimpanzees. Ethology & Sociobiology, 7(3-4), 237–251. https://doi.org/10.1016/0162-3095(86)90051-8

Jonason, P. K., Strosser, G., Kroll, C., Duineveld, J. & Baruffi, S. (2015). Valuing myself over others: The Dark Triad traits and moral and social values. Personality and Individual Differences. 81. 102-106. 10.1016/j.paid.2014.10.045.

Mogilski, J. K., & Wade, T. J. (2013). Friendship as a relationship infiltration tactic during human mate poaching. Evolutionary Psychology, 11(4), 926–943. https://doi.org/10.1177/147470491301100415

Schmitt, D.P. et. al. (2004). Patterns and Universals of Mate Poaching Across 53 Nations: The Effects of Sex, Culture, and Personality on Romantically Attracting Another Person’s Partner. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology ; 86 (2004), 4. – S. 560-584 https://dx.doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.86.4.560

Schmitt, D. P. & Bussy, D. M. (2004). Human Mate Poaching: Tactics and Temptations for Infiltrating Existing Mateships. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology ; 86, 4. – S. 560-584 https://dx.doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.86.4.560

Sukmahaningtyas, R. & Syaebani, M.. (2024). Love Affair at Workplace: How Motif and Type Linked to Employee Work Behaviour in Male Employee Experience. Quantitative Economics and Management Studies. 5. 741-751. 10.35877/454RI.qems2696.