Definition for Infidelity

Infidelity refers to breaking a commitment or being unfaithful. That might be an agreement of exclusivity in a romantic or sexual relationship. It requires acting without consent or your partner’s knowledge.

It can take various forms, including physical affairs, emotional affairs, online relationships, or even secret flirtations. It can have significant emotional, relational, and psychological consequences for everyone involved. Cultural, societal, and personal beliefs and agreements impact the definition and boundaries of infidelity.

I love the late Frank Pittman’s succinct definition when asked what constitutes infidelity. He answered,

“Ask your spouse.”

And in that three-word answer, he summarized the heart and soul of most affairs that aren’t narcissistic or compulsive. Forget the labels; affairs are all about loneliness, distance, ambivalence, and breach of trust.

In this series of articles, I’ll explore four common types of affairs I’ve encountered in my practice over thirty years: Exit Affairs, Split-Self (Double Life) Affairs, Emotional Affairs, and Personality Disorder-Driven Affairs. Each represents different relationship dynamics and motivations.

We want to know what constitutes infidelity to determine whether we or our partner did it. Or perhaps we have been in an argument about whether either of us was unfaithful or not.

You will find all types of opinions about affairs and their causes. As a psychologist and couples therapist for over thirty years, I’ve seen all of them.

Let’s briefly examine each type before exploring them in greater depth in the following articles:

Types of Affairs You’ll Learn About

Exit Affairs

Exit Affairs are characterized by one partner using infidelity as a way to end their marriage. The involved partner has already decided to leave the relationship but lacks the courage or clarity to end things directly.

I find these cases incredibly heartbreaking. The Hurt Partner learns that not only have they been betrayed, but their spouse doesn’t even want to work on the marriage. The involved partner often brings the spouse into therapy to soften the blow. They know the news will be devastating.

They know the goal is to demolish their marital house while the spouse still lives in it. That is the sum of it. That is the plan.

In my final article, I’ll explore the warning signs and impact of these Exit Affairs in detail, including how to recognize when your partner might be planning their exit.

Split-Self (Double Life) Affairs

Split-Self Affairs involves deep compartmentalization where the involved partner maintains both relationships long-term, often for years or decades.

Don Draper, the character in Mad Men, is an apt example of a person who engages in a double-life affair. He’s truly a man who can’t integrate his life and has stopped trying.

The split is within him, not in the three wives and 19 mistresses he engages. Today, we might say he was a sexual addict. Like a large percentage of sex addicts, he was physically, emotionally, and sexually abused as a kid. And for most people leading a double life, the internal split happens early.

Adults who have these types of affairs are typically older. They can maintain two partners over a lifetime. The affair partner gets the cereal, and the spouse gets the box. The cereal is messier than the box but has more substance. The box is pretty, but only rodents will eat it.

Both are necessary to keep the Involved Partner’s life together. The “proper” spouse is brought to social events and college graduations. You can share your inner soul with the mistress…or at least as much as possible.

My detailed analysis explores how these affairs develop over time, what makes them distinct from other affair types, and the unique therapeutic challenges they present.

Emotional Affairs

Emotional affairs often begin as friendships that cross boundaries into intimate territory, sometimes without physical intimacy. These affairs can be precursors to other affair types or stand alone as significant relationship breaches. Men and emotional affairs are also discussed in detail.

For many couples, if the hurt partner missed all the signs of an emotional affair, s/he either wasn’t paying attention or didn’t want to know. This may not be true across the board.

Marriage, by its very definition, is the process of sharing emotions. We meld sexual and emotional attachment into the word “intimacy” because, while some believe that romantic partners are an invention of the troubadours, romantic love has been with us for a long time.

So, the first thing to do if you suspect emotional infidelity is to take a deep breath. Ask yourself if you feel deeply loved by your spouse. Forget about checking phone records, credit card receipts, or condom wrappers. You have everything you need to know right there in your chest.

Emotional affairs can be gateways to Split-Self Affairs, particularly in workplace relationships where physical boundaries are maintained while emotional connection deepens.

Personality Disorder-Driven Affairs

Some affairs are primarily driven by underlying personality disorders rather than relationship dynamics. These affairs often manifest as patterns of serial infidelity and pose unique challenges for both partners and therapists.

Three personality disorders most commonly associated with infidelity are:

Narcissistic Personality Disorder: Individuals with narcissistic tendencies may feel entitled to pursue affairs, believing they “deserve better” than their current partner. Their need for constant admiration and validation can drive them to seek new sources of praise and attention outside their primary relationship.

Borderline Personality Disorder: People with BPD might engage in impulsive sexual encounters driven by emotional instability and a desperate need for validation. They may alternate between clinging to their partner and pushing them away, using affairs as a way to manage intense emotions or fears of abandonment.

Antisocial Personality Disorder (Psychopathic Traits): Those with psychopathic traits can maintain elaborate deceptions without remorse, pursuing multiple sexual partners without guilt or concern for consequences. Their capacity for convincing lies makes their infidelity particularly difficult to detect.

What makes these affairs distinct is their connection to pervasive personality patterns rather than specific relationship problems. The unfaithful partner’s behavior is typically part of a broader pattern of manipulation, deception, or impulsivity that extends beyond the relationship context.

When confronted about infidelity, individuals with personality disorders often respond in ways that compound the hurt:

  • Gaslighting: Making the hurt partner doubt their own perceptions and reality by denying evidence, suggesting they’re paranoid, or rewriting history.
  • Blame-shifting: Deflecting responsibility onto the hurt partner (“If you paid more attention to me…”) or external circumstances.
  • Minimizing: Downplaying the significance of their actions (“It was just sex, it didn’t mean anything”).
  • False promises: Making superficial commitments to change without genuine remorse or willingness to address underlying issues.
  • Unwillingness to make necessary changes: Refusing to make significant lifestyle changes that would help rebuild trust, such as changing jobs, allowing access to electronic devices, or other concrete steps.

In my detailed article on this affair type, I’ll explore how to recognize these patterns, the unique challenges in therapy, and whether healing is possible when personality disorders are involved. For hurt partners, understanding the role of these disorders can help make sense of behavior that otherwise seems inexplicable and provide realistic expectations for recovery.

The Process of Infidelity

While affairs can seem sudden and unexpected, that’s not often true. They are a series of hundreds of minor decisions. Minor breaches in honest disclosure are justified by telling ourselves, “She wouldn’t understand” or “I don’t want to upset him.”

When we trace back the story of how the affair came about (and I work with one couple over a weekend, so that’s actually possible), these many decisions become apparent.

Outcomes and Healing

In the articles that follow, I’ll provide detailed case examples, research findings, and therapeutic approaches for each affair type. Whether you’re a Hurt Partner seeking understanding, an Involved Partner questioning your choices, or a professional working with affair recovery, these insights can guide the healing process.

Most people who don’t make a living in ‘heartache’ will be pleasantly surprised to learn that many people seeking help from a knowledgeable science-based couples therapist will benefit from the help.

While most assume it will be a torturous weekend with gnashing teeth and hair-pulling, that is hardly ever the case.

There is the heartache that comes with the business, but now it’s felt for a purpose. No matter what “type” of affair couples present with, the pair can look plainly at the personal side of their lives.

For some Involved Partners, the pain comes from the damage they have inflicted on their spouses. For others, they recognize the damage that they have done to their own integrity.

As for the hurt partners, I’ll leave you with the words of one wise woman when I asked her what she needed to heal. Her answer stayed with me. She said:

“I don’t need the passwords to his phone or social media accounts. I know they can be worked around. I don’t need his promises never to do it again. I’ve learned what his promise is worth. I need time, and I need to learn to trust my gut and my heart and never to allow myself to be misled. The biggest betrayal was what I did to myself. I felt something was wrong. I felt it. But I trusted his words instead of my heart. That will never happen to me again.”

To those of you who ask, “What kind of affair was it?” or “How can I tell if s/he was unfaithful?” I’ll echo the words of that hurt spouse:

Trust your gut, not someone else’s words.

In the next article, we’ll take a deeper dive into Split-Self Affairs, exploring how they function, what makes them unique, and approaches to healing.