The transition to parenthood is one of the most significant changes a marriage can experience. While the arrival of a new baby brings joy and excitement, it also introduces unprecedented challenges to your relationship. Understanding these changes and preparing for them can help strengthen your marriage during this transformative period.
What changes should we expect for our marriage as first-time parents and how can we prepare to nurture our relationship as we enter this new season?
This is a BIG question. It was so big, in fact, that I wrote 350 pages on this marital transition for my dissertation! So, I’ll just tackle one small piece: time as it relates to the division of labor.
The Hidden Impact of Pregnancy on Relationship Dynamics
The Early Preparation Gap
While the birth is the first time you get to look at your baby “in the flesh,” the mom has already spent 9 months “holding” the baby and coping with these changes. Maybe she’s taken some time off from work. Maybe she’s read a dozen books on pregnancy and caring for a newborn. Whatever adjustments she’s made have been a reminder that things will change, and she’s had a more “up close and personal” view of the matter—a more significant physical investment.
Many couples embrace an “egalitarian” perspective on marriage. …what comes next takes both of them by surprise! These couples often have a greater adjustment than more traditional couples.
Societal expectations and biological realities, particularly breastfeeding, naturally shift more caretaking responsibilities to the birth mother unless couples actively work to maintain balance.
Many couples embrace an “egalitarian” perspective on marriage. Before the baby, both earned money for the family, shared cleaning, cooking, and laundry, and planned vacations together. They expect that having a baby will be no different regarding shared responsibility. And what comes next surprises both of them! These couples often have a greater adjustment than more traditional couples.
Time Management Challenges for New Parents
The Reality of Breastfeeding Schedules
Breastfeeding is encouraged 8-12 times daily (24 hours) and takes 15-20 minutes each.
That is two to four hours a day spent doing nothing but breastfeeding—and that’s without difficulty! Many issues can arise even if the other partner is invested in getting up and bringing the baby to feed with the nursing mom. Is the other parent a sound sleeper? Can they easily go back to sleep? The mother may hear her baby’s cries and immediately begin leaking milk. That’s a hard thing to ignore!
True “free time” for mothers often means physically leaving the house.
The Myth of “Free Time”
Time is also crunched for the couple, which mixes with issues of power and privilege. There is a fuzzy middle ground between “free time” (no parenting responsibilities) and “on time” (focusing on active parenting). This middle ground can be compared to air traffic controllers watching a screen. Even if no planes collide, they can’t get up and take a break without someone replacing them!
Similarly, even if the baby is sleeping, you aren’t “off.” You need to be ready to respond if something changes. Because many moms have been closer in tune with the baby, they take this “between time” as a given and engage in activities close by, knowing they may have to switch their focus back on their infant at any moment. Add to that, sleep deprivation and “milk mind,” or well-documented physiological and cognitive changes during the postpartum period and breastfeeding, including:
- Changes in attention and working memory during the postpartum period
- The influence of hormones like oxytocin and prolactin on cognition and mood
- Sleep deprivation effects from frequent feeding schedules
It’s a stressful job, even when you are “semi-off.”
On the other hand, fathers may not realize that working in a distant room of the house to make a phone call may leave them “out of earshot.” Or they may get absorbed in reading the paper as the toddler heads for the plant while the mom has her eyes on the child’s every step. It may be the father’s turn to care for the toddler, but the mom is still on primary duty. And if she holds back from saying anything until the child is about to tip the plant over, the couple may get into a fight about her being “overprotective.”
Actual “free time” for mothers often means physically leaving the house.
Career and Identity Shifts
Changing Professional Dynamics
Men also report changes in the transition to fatherhood. Even if both partners intend to return to work full-time, many men feel a heightened responsibility to be the primary breadwinners for their families. Many begin to feel ambivalent about the agreements they made before the baby’s birth, such as cutting back or taking time off from their jobs. They may want to spend more time at work, assuming greater responsibility.
Workplace Support Disparities
They’ve also been impacted by social, gendered messages about their roles.
They also face a less receptive audience when they tell their bosses they need to take off “because we’ve had a baby.” Western culture supports the belief that women must bear that primary responsibility so men can be taken less seriously as ” ambitious men ” who want to “get ahead.”
Time is also crunched for the couple and this mixes with issues of power and privilege.
Maintaining a Healthy Partnership
The Importance of Explicit Agreements
Couples must have clear, detailed discussions about the division of responsibilities to prevent resentment and maintain relationship satisfaction. These conversations should address specific tasks, timing, and expectations, with the understanding that arrangements may need adjustment as circumstances change.
The heart of the matter is for each to value the other’s time as they value their own. Fights about who deserves free time or who works harder evaporate when the focus is on sharing resting time equally. If one parent sits and relaxes nightly while the other continues domestic labor or baby care, that’s a recipe for resentment and a deteriorating marriage over time. Make every agreement explicit. Who does what, when, and how should be clearly articulated, and you both need to be prepared to alter them as circumstances change.
Balancing Rest and Responsibilities
Both of you need to talk before the baby comes about how the new realities of becoming parents will change your previously agreed-upon roles. The desire to return to work may change. Recognize that the world won’t work with you if your dreams for your new family deviate greatly from the status quo.
Programs That Help
Programs like the pilot study “Partners Now Parents” examined the effectiveness of a prevention program among 66 racially and socioeconomically diverse expecting parents (33 couples). The research compared two groups: 17 couples who received five teletherapy prevention sessions during the perinatal period and 16 couples in an active control group who received psychoeducation via email.
The results revealed that couples participating in the prevention program experienced a less steep decline in romantic satisfaction compared to the control group. The study demonstrated that the prevention program was feasible, effective, and well-received by participants.
Conclusion
The transition to parenthood inevitably changes your marriage, but these changes don’t have to negatively impact your relationship. By understanding common challenges, maintaining open communication, and making explicit agreements about shared responsibilities, couples can navigate this transition while strengthening their partnership. Remember that flexibility and regular check-ins about changing needs and expectations are key to successfully adapting to your new role as a parent while maintaining a strong marital bond.
There is so much more to say, but let’s leave it here for now, and I welcome your comments and questions.
References
McMahon, K. (1986). Interactional Processes and Styles of Marital Adaptation to Parenthood. Dissertation for doctoral degree. Antioch New England Graduate School.
Savell, S., Breeden, L. & Emery, R. (2025). Partners Now Parents: Supporting Couples During the Journey to Parenthood. Family Process. 64. 10.1111/famp.13097.
