You love them. They say they love you, too. But something’s not right.
You’ve been together long enough to know this isn’t a casual fling. You’ve invested time, energy, vulnerability—and now you’re quietly waiting for them to do the same. Maybe they say, “What’s the rush?” or “Let’s not mess up a good thing.” Or worse, they avoid the topic altogether.
You’re not imagining things. And you’re not being unreasonable for wanting clarity.
This is what commitment avoidance looks like in real-time relationships—not in theory, but in the day-to-day emotional limbo that slowly erodes trust and intimacy.
The Push-Pull Dynamic: When Intimacy Triggers Withdrawal
Partners who fear commitment often present one way at the beginning: charming, attentive, passionate. But as the relationship deepens, something shifts. They pull back. Not always dramatically. Sometimes it’s subtle—a reluctance to plan vacations together, a sudden silence around the topic of moving in, or a tendency to steer conversations away from anything long-term.
The closer you get, the more distance they create.
This is not about flakiness. It’s about fear. Fear of being trapped. Fear of losing autonomy. Fear that you’ll get too close and see something unlovable.
But here’s the problem: You’re already close. You’re already invested. And the distance feels less like fear and more like rejection.
The Waiting Game: Hoping for Change That Doesn’t Come
If you’re reading this, you’ve probably been holding out. Hoping your partner will eventually come around. That time, love, and patience will shift something inside them.
Sometimes it does. But more often, the dynamic stays stuck. Not because you’re not lovable. Not because you’re asking too much. But because this is the exact dance they’ve always done. Get close. Retreat. Rinse. Repeat.
They may say things that keep hope alive: “I’m just not ready yet.” “I want to be with you—I just need space.” “It’s not you, it’s me.”
And maybe they mean it. But that doesn’t make it any less painful to live inside the contradiction of “I love you, but I’m not moving forward with you.”
When You’re the One Who Wants More
Let’s talk about what it feels like to be the committed partner in this dance.
You start second-guessing yourself. You begin trying not to “pressure” them, even when your needs are perfectly reasonable. You suppress your own timeline, hoping they’ll eventually meet you halfway.
But here’s the truth: Waiting for someone to stop fearing commitment is a kind of erosion. It chips away at your dignity, your sense of reality, and—ironically—your desire to stay.
You don’t need a flawless relationship. You need a shared future. If that vision is always blurry, and you’re the only one trying to bring it into focus, the relationship is out of balance—and you know it.
What Couples Therapy Intensives Can Offer
If you’re at the point where you’re asking, “Should I stay or should I go?”—you don’t need more limbo. You need clarity.
Our couples therapy intensives don’t promise to force a commitment. But they do uncover what’s real, what’s stuck, and what’s possible. We’ve worked with countless couples navigating exactly this dynamic: one partner fully in, the other halfway out—but unable to leave or lean in.
In this setting, we slow it all down. We name the pattern. We help the avoidant partner explore the fears they’ve never voiced. And we help the committed partner stop twisting themselves into someone smaller just to be tolerated.
We’re not here to convince anyone to get married. We’re here to help both partners decide, with eyes open, what kind of relationship they’re really in—and what kind they’re willing to build.
Final Thought
Love is not enough if it lives in a holding pattern.
If you’re pouring your heart into someone who keeps their foot on the brake, ask yourself: How long are you willing to wait? And what is it costing you in the meantime?
