Are you struggling to feel close to your partner? You’re not alone. Many couples face challenges in their relationships, but there’s hope. This article explores how Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT) can help you build a stronger, more loving connection with your partner. We’ll break down the science into practical steps you can use today.

Introduction

When it comes to couples therapy, there’s an approach that’s gotten significant attention and research support over the past 25 years: Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT). Created by Dr. Sue Johnson, EFT helps couples understand and change their relationship patterns. Let’s explore the core principles of EFT and discover how it can help couples strengthen their emotional bond and build a more secure, satisfying relationship.

The Science Behind Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy The main idea behind EFT is the concept of attachment theory, which says humans naturally need close, secure relationships.1 Research proves that the quality of attachment between partners strongly affects relationship satisfaction.2 EFT helps couples create a more secure attachment by spotting and changing negative interaction patterns that block emotional connection.

EFT has been heralded by the New York Times and Time magazine as relegitimizing and substantiating couple therapy as an effective science-based intervention. Research studies find that 70-75% of couples move from distress to recovery and approximately 90% show significant improvements.Susan Johnson 8,9

The EFT Perspective on Relationship Distress When couples have problems, EFT examines how they connect emotionally. When couples struggle, they often fall into what Dr. Johnson calls “demon dialogues”—negative patterns that create more insecurity and emotional distance.5 These patterns come from each partner’s attachment style, which affects how they react to relationship triggers.

Let’s look at a couple where one partner needs lots of reassurance (anxiously attached) and the other tends to pull away (avoidantly attached). When the first partner feels neglected, they might keep asking for attention, leading the other partner to pull back further. This creates a pattern of pursuit and withdrawal, leaving both partners feeling misunderstood and alone.

EFT is recognized by the New York Times and Time magazine as proving that couple therapy is an effective intervention. Research shows that 70-75% of couples move from distress to recovery, and about 90% show significant improvements.3 These findings have been repeated in many other studies, solidifying EFT’s position as an evidence-based approach to couples therapy4.

The EFT Process of Change

The goal of EFT is to help couples stop these negative patterns and create a more secure, emotionally connected relationship. Step by step, EFT therapists help couples:

  • Spot their negative pattern and the emotions driving it
  • Share their deeper, more vulnerable feelings in a safe, supportive space
  • See how the pattern is the problem rather than blaming each other
  • Create new, more positive ways of talking and connecting that foster emotional connection and security6

Along the way, EFT therapists pay close attention to “attachment injuries” – times when one partner feels deeply hurt or abandoned by the other. By helping couples heal these past hurts, EFT allows them to grow closer.7

Real-Life Application of EFT Principles

Here’s how EFT works in real life. Let’s look at a couple, Brittany and Zachary, who often have frequent arguments and emotional distance. In therapy, they learn that their negative pattern involves Brittany criticizing Zachary for not being attentive enough, which makes Zachary pull away.

As they explore the deeper emotions behind this pattern, Brittany shares that she fears Zachary doesn’t truly love her. At the same time, Zachary says he feels inadequate when she tries to connect and is afraid of failing in the relationship. It was easier for him to reject her than to risk failing. By opening up about these fears and needs, Brittany and Zachary build a new, more empathetic understanding of their relationship.

With the therapist’s guidance, they practice expressing their emotions and needs in a softer, more direct way. Instead of criticizing, Brittany learns to say, “I miss feeling close to you and need reassurance of your love.” Zachary, in turn, practices responding with openness and engagement, such as saying, “I’m sorry I made you feel unloved. You mean the world to me, and I want to be there for you.”

Practical Takeaways for Couples If you’re struggling in your relationship, EFT offers real hope. Here are key tips you can use:

  • Remember that relationship problems don’t mean you’ve failed – they’re a chance to grow stronger together
  • Look for the deeper needs behind your conflicts – often there’s fear or a need for closeness underneath
  • Focus on breaking negative patterns instead of blaming each other
  • Make emotional connection a daily priority – small moments of reaching out matter
  • Consider working with an EFT therapist if you’re having trouble making changes on your own

Conclusion

EFT gives couples real tools to heal and strengthen their love. By understanding how you and your partner connect emotionally, you can build a stronger bond. With care, openness, and willingness to change, even struggling relationships can find their way back to joy and connection.

Ready to strengthen your relationship? Every couple faces challenges, but taking the first step toward understanding and changing your patterns can make all the difference. Whether you try these techniques at home or seek professional help, the path to a more loving, secure relationship is possible. Start today by having an open, honest conversation with your partner about your feelings and needs.

Want to learn more about how EFT can help your relationship? Share this article with your partner and start a conversation about building a stronger connection together.

 

Footnotes:

  1. Bowlby, J. (1969). Attachment and loss: Vol. 1. Attachment. Basic Books. 
  2. Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2016). Attachment in adulthood: Structure, dynamics, and change (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.
  3. Johnson, S. M., Hunsley, J., Greenberg, L., & Schindler, D. (1999). Emotionally focused couples therapy: Status and challenges. Clinical Psychology: Science and Practice, 6(1), 67-79. 
  4. Wiebe, S. A., & Johnson, S. M. (2016). A review of the research in emotionally focused therapy for couples. Family Process, 55(3), 390-407. 
  5. Johnson, S. M. (2019). Attachment theory in practice: Emotionally focused therapy (EFT) with individuals, couples, and families. Guilford Press. 
  6. Johnson, S. M. (2004). The practice of emotionally focused couple therapy: Creating connection (2nd ed.). Brunner-Routledge. 
  7. Zuccarini, D., Johnson, S. M., Dalgleish, T. L., & Makinen, J. A. (2013). Forgiveness and reconciliation in emotionally focused therapy for couples: The client change process and therapist interventions. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 39(2), 148-162.
  8. Johnson, S. M., Hunsley, J., Greenberg, L., & Schindler, D. (1999). Emotionally focused couples therapy: Status and challenges. Clinical Psychology: Science and Practice, 6(1), 67-79.
  9. Wiebe, S. A., & Johnson, S. M. (2016). A review of the research in emotionally focused therapy for couples. Family Process, 55(3), 390-407.

Originally published March 11, 2016