Updated 12/16/2023

This post explores common coping styles couples adopt after infidelity and provides guidance on more effective approaches to healing. For a broader overview of emotional affairs and the recovery process, see our Introduction to Affair Recovery

When infidelity comes to light, couples find themselves grappling with intense emotions and a profound sense of betrayal. How partners respond in these early stages often shapes the trajectory of their recovery journey. Through years of clinical practice, I’ve observed that couples tend to adopt one of three distinct coping styles in the wake of infidelity. Understanding these approaches—and their potential pitfalls—is crucial for navigating this challenging terrain effectively.

The Resentment-focused Approach

Brandon and Danielle

Brandon, a 26-year-old software engineer, and Danielle, a 24-year-old graphic designer, had been dating for three years in Omaha, Nebraska. They were a young, ambitious couple with no children, focusing on their careers and enjoying the vibrant city life. However, their relationship took a turn when Danielle discovered that Brandon had been having an affair with a coworker.

Danielle was devastated by the betrayal and found herself consumed by resentment. Three years after the affair, she would remind Brandon of his infidelity during a fight. Brandon had never fully felt bad for his transgression, believing it happened before either had made a commitment to the other. He felt that Danielle used it as a weapon to maintain a sense of control in the relationship. Nevertheless, instead of speaking up and defending his position, Brandon fell silent and felt unfairly attacked.

As time passed, Brandon grew increasingly tired of the constant reminders and the emotional toll it took on him. He felt that he could never truly make amends, and the relationship remained stuck in a cycle of bitterness and resentment. The once-loving bond between Brandon and Danielle had been replaced by a constant power struggle. Danielle’s pain overshadowed any attempts to rebuild trust and intimacy. Brandon’s efforts to placate her intensified his own passive-aggressive resentments.

This dynamic went on for more than 6.5 years, with Danielle unable or unwilling to leave or forgive him. Brandon refused to discuss marriage until she could “let it go.”

Why This Approach Falls Short

The Resentment-focused Approach is understandably common—it emerges from the hurt partner’s need to regain a sense of power after feeling deeply violated.1 Brandon adopted the “supplicant approach” to affairs, described as one when someone caught in an extramarital relationship adopts an excessively submissive and apologetic posture.

They desperately plead for forgiveness, surrendering all control to their betrayed partner, often diminishing their own role and accountability in the affair. This behavior can be a manipulation tactic, using displays of extreme remorse and desperation to persuade the hurt partner toward reconciliation.

However, while this may provide temporary emotional relief, it ultimately hinders the healing process by:

  • Keeping the wound perpetually fresh through constant reminders2
  • Creating a power imbalance that prevents genuine reconciliation
  • Fostering an environment where the involved partner eventually withdraws due to shame fatigue
  • Blocking the possibility of creating new, positive relationship patterns

Research has shown that dwelling on negative emotions and engaging in rumination can lead to increased distress and poorer mental health outcomes.3 In the context of infidelity, the Supplicant Approach can breed bitterness and resentment, making it difficult for couples to rebuild trust and intimacy. Over time, the involved partner may grow weary of the constant reminders of their mistake, leading to further strain on the relationship.4

The Status-quo Approach

Kenneth and Cynthia

Kenneth, a 58-year-old corporate executive, and Cynthia, a 56-year-old university professor, had been married for 30 years in Weston, Massachusetts. They had two adult children who had already left home to pursue their own lives. From the outside, Kenneth and Cynthia appeared to be a picture-perfect couple with successful careers and a comfortable lifestyle.

However, their relationship was rocked when Cynthia discovered that Kenneth had been involved in a long-term affair with a younger colleague. Instead of confronting the issue head-on, Kenneth and Cynthia chose to sweep it under the rug, prioritizing their social status and the image of a perfect family over their emotional well-being.

They continued to attend social events together, maintaining the facade of a happy marriage. They focused on their individual pursuits, with Kenneth dedicating himself to his work and Cynthia immersing herself in her research. While they managed to keep up appearances, the lack of emotional intimacy, growing emotional distance in their marriage, and unresolved pain from the affair created an undercurrent of tension in their relationship.

As the years went by, Kenneth and Cynthia grew increasingly distant, living parallel lives under the same roof. They had successfully maintained their status quo but at the cost of genuine connection and happiness. The affair remained a taboo subject, never truly addressed, and the couple continued to navigate life together, bound by social expectations and a fear of disrupting the carefully constructed image they had built over the years.

Why This Approach Falls Short

The Status-Quo Tactic, or Split-Self Affair, involves couples sweeping the affair under the rug and prioritizing maintaining social status and routines over addressing the emotional fallout.5

This approach, exemplified by the coping mechanisms of some high-profile families, emphasizes external achievements and appearances over genuine connection and healing.

While this strategy may allow couples to present a united front to the outside world, it often comes at the cost of emotional intimacy. By focusing solely on careers, reputation, or material wealth, couples risk neglecting the deeper issues that led to the affair in the first place.6

This avoidance strategy comes with significant costs:

  • Emotional intimacy gradually erodes as the unaddressed betrayal creates distance
  • The underlying issues that contributed to the affair remain unresolved
  • Suppressed emotions often manifest in other ways, such as physical symptoms or displaced anger
  • The opportunity for genuine growth and connection is sacrificed for superficial stability

Research suggests that avoiding or suppressing emotions related to infidelity can lead to unresolved feelings and a lack of closure, which may resurface later and cause further relationship distress.7

Trust is built in very small moments, which I call ‘sliding door’ moments, after the movie Sliding Doors. In any interaction, there is a possibility of connecting with your partner or turning away from your partner. 15

John Gottman

A Systemic Strategy for Healing

Unlike the previous approaches, a systemic strategy for coping with infidelity involves an introspective journey aimed at understanding and repairing the relationship.8 This approach, often employed in science-based couples therapy, often done in a Couples Therapy Retreat encourages both partners to engage in open, blame-free dialogue about their thoughts, feelings, and motivations.

Key Elements of the Systemic Approach

For the Hurt Partner:

  • Approaching the situation with curiosity rather than just outrage
  • Seeking to understand the context and underlying factors that contributed to the affair9
  • Focusing on conversation-generating questions rather than explicit details that may trigger further pain10
  • Gradually rebuilding trust through observing consistent, trustworthy actions over time

For the Involved Partner:

  • Taking full responsibility without defensiveness or minimization
  • Providing support and attunement when their partner is distressed
  • Demonstrating consistent transparency and reliability through actions, not just words11
  • Engaging in honest self-examination about personal vulnerabilities and relationship patterns

For the Couple Together:

  • Creating a shared understanding of how the betrayal occurred
  • Identifying relationship vulnerabilities that need strengthening
  • Developing new patterns of communication and connection
  • Building a stronger, more resilient relationship foundation based on genuine intimacy and trust

The Potential for Growth

Research shows that couples who undergo science-based therapy to address infidelity often emerge from the crisis with a stronger, more resilient relationship.12 By taking a systemic approach, couples can identify vulnerabilities in their relationship and take concrete steps to build a deeper, more intimate bond.

Studies have found that couples who successfully navigate the aftermath of an affair often report:

  • Increased moments of genuine emotional connection
  • Improved communication skills that benefit all aspects of their relationship
  • Greater awareness of each other’s emotional needs
  • A renewed appreciation for their partnership
  • More intentional practices to protect and nurture their connection

By taking a systemic approach, couples can identify vulnerabilities in their relationship and take concrete steps to build a deeper, more intimate bond. Studies have found that couples who successfully navigate the aftermath of an affair report increased moments of closeness, improved communication, and a renewed appreciation for their partnership.13

The goal of therapy is to help the couple either recover from the affair and rebuild their relationship, or to make the difficult decision to end the relationship in a way that will enable both partners to function more effectively in the future.”4

Baucom, Snyder, and Gordon – Helping couples get past the affair: A clinician’s guide

Balancing Expectations in Recovery

When it comes to coping with infidelity, the role of expectations in relationships cannot be overstated. Relationship experts offer different perspectives on managing expectations during recovery.

Thought leaders like Esther Perel and John Gottman have differing perspectives, highlighting the tension between the ideal and the reality of long-term partnerships.

Some theorists, like Perel, argue that managing expectations is key to avoiding relationship resentment and disillusionment.14 She suggests that holding our partners to unrealistic standards can set us up for disappointment and make it harder to weather the challenges that inevitably arise throughout a long-term relationship.

On the other hand, other attachment-based theorists like John Gottman emphasize the importance of expecting kindness, affection, and loyalty from our partners.15 He argues that these expectations are not unreasonable but form the foundation of a healthy, fulfilling relationship. From this perspective, lowering our expectations too much can lead to settling for less than we deserve and tolerating behavior that undermines the relationship.

The truth likely lies somewhere in between, depending upon the individuals and their culture. Healthy relationships balance realistic expectations with clear standards for treatment. During infidelity recovery, couples benefit from:

  • Distinguishing between reasonable relationship standards and perfectionist expectations
  • Communicating clearly about needs and boundaries
  • Allowing room for human growth and mistake-making while maintaining essential values
  • Recognizing that rebuilding trust takes time and consistent effort

[Love:] It’s a verb. That’s the first thing. It’s an active engagement with all kinds of feelings—positive ones and primitive ones and loathsome ones. But it’s a very active verb. And it’s often surprising how it can kind of ebb and flow. It’s like the moon. We think it’s disappeared, and suddenly it shows up again. It’s not a permanent state of enthusiasm.

Esther Perel

Balancing Cultural Perspectives

Cultural differences significantly shape how we view relationships and infidelity. In the US, individual fulfillment is often prioritized, creating higher expectations for partnerships but also more entitled and willing to walk away when those expectations are not met. Other cultures may emphasize family stability and social harmony over personal happiness when addressing infidelity. Successfully navigating these different perspectives requires self-examining one’s assumptions and openness to understanding a partner’s viewpoint.

Finding Your Path Forward

Every couple’s journey through infidelity recovery is unique and influenced by their history, attachment styles, and individual needs. While the Resentment-focused Approach and the Status-quo Approach might seem like natural reactions, they rarely lead to genuine healing.

A systemic strategy—one that encourages understanding, responsibility, and growth—offers the most promising path toward rebuilding a relationship that’s not just surviving but potentially thriving after infidelity.

If you’re navigating this difficult terrain, consider:

  • Working with a qualified couples therapist specializing in infidelity recovery
  • Creating space for honest but constructive communication
  • Focusing on understanding patterns rather than just events
  • Recognizing that healing is a process that unfolds over time, not a destination to be quickly reached

Continue your journey of understanding and healing by exploring our other resources:

Footnotes

  1. Glass, S. P., & Wright, T. L. (1997). Reconstructing marriages after the trauma of infidelity. In W. K. Halford & H. J. Markman (Eds.), Clinical handbook of marriage and couples interventions (pp. 471-507). John Wiley & Sons Inc.
  2. Gordon, K. C., Baucom, D. H., & Snyder, D. K. (2004). An integrative intervention for promoting recovery from extramarital affairs. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 30(2), 213-231.
  3. Nolen-Hoeksema, S., Wisco, B. E., & Lyubomirsky, S. (2008). Rethinking rumination. Perspectives on Psychological Science, 3(5), 400-424.
  4. Baucom, D. H., Snyder, D. K., & Gordon, K. C. (2011). Helping couples get past the affair: A clinician’s guide. Guilford Press.
  5. Perel, E. (2017). The state of affairs: Rethinking infidelity. Harper.
  6. Fincham, F. D., & May, R. W. (2017). Infidelity in romantic relationships. Current Opinion in Psychology, 13, 70-74.
  7. Allen, E. S., Rhoades, G. K., Stanley, S. M., Markman, H. J., Williams, T., Melton, J., & Clements, M. L. (2008). Premarital precursors of marital infidelity. Family Process, 47(2), 243-259.
  8. Snyder, D. K., Baucom, D. H., & Gordon, K. C. (2007). Getting past the affair: A program to help you cope, heal, and move on – together or apart. Guilford Press.
  9. Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2012). What makes love last?: How to build trust and avoid betrayal. Simon and Schuster.
  10. Zuccarini, D., Johnson, S. M., Dalgleish, T. L., & Makinen, J. A. (2013). Forgiveness and reconciliation in emotionally focused therapy for couples: The client change process and therapist interventions. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 39(2), 148-162.
  11. Greenberg, L. S., Warwar, S. H., & Malcolm, W. M. (2010). Emotion-focused couples therapy and the facilitation of forgiveness. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 36(1), 28-42.
  12. Atkins, D. C., Marín, R. A., Lo, T. T., Klann, N., & Hahlweg, K. (2010). Outcomes of couples with infidelity in a community-based sample of couple therapy. Journal of Family Psychology, 24(2), 212-216.
  13. Heintzelman, A., Murdock, N. L., Krycak, R. C., & Seay, L. (2014). Recovery from infidelity: Differentiation of self, trauma, forgiveness, and posttraumatic growth among couples in continuing relationships. Couple and Family Psychology: Research and Practice, 3(1), 13-29.
  14. Perel, E. (2013). Mating in captivity: Unlocking erotic intelligence. Harper Paperbacks.
  15. Gottman, J., & Gottman, J. (2015). 10 Principles for doing effective couples therapy. W. W. Norton & Company.