Updated 10/13/2019
Ah, relationships – those thrilling roller-coaster rides where couples break up and make up in a blink! These on-again-off-again whirlwinds? Yup, pretty common, but here’s the kicker – they can seriously mess with your head and heart. Research dives into it, revealing that these cycles aren’t just relationship drama; they’re like emotional storms, stirring up anxiety and depression.
Roller-Coaster Romances
Research shows that these cycles can impact our health, leading to higher rates of anxiety and depression, lower satisfaction, more relational uncertainty, greater conflict, and more aggression.1 They’re like storms in our emotional seas, stirring things up with drama and poor communication. It’s not the individuals who researchers notice who are different than those who aren’t in such relationships. It’s the nature of the relationship itself. 2
It’s the Sex, Silly!
It’s common wisdom that make-up sex is the best sex there is, and one researcher found this to be true.3 This is likely given the extreme anxiety that gets generated when a break-up occurs.
When couples break up and get back together repeatedly (what researchers call “on-off relationships”), their dynamic with physical intimacy tells an interesting story. These couples are much more likely to be physically intimate after breaking up – about 55% continue being intimate, compared to just 13% of couples who have a clean break.
Here’s what’s particularly curious: These on-off couples actually report their post-breakup intimate experiences as being more fulfilling and less complicated than couples who don’t have this pattern. They feel more sexually compatible and experience less anxiety around these encounters.
The research went deeper, following these couples over time. What they discovered makes intuitive sense: These intimate encounters often led to couples getting back together. It’s like physical intimacy serves as a bridge back to reconciliation.
Think of it as one piece of the complex puzzle of why some couples keep finding their way back to each other while others make a clean break and move forward separately. It’s not just about physical connection – it’s about the emotional ties that often remain even after a relationship supposedly ends.
As Dua Lipa sings in her 3rd rule in New Rules,
“Three, don’t be his friend
You know you’re gonna wake up in his bed in the mornin’
And if you’re under him, you ain’t gettin’ over him”
Five Types of On-Again/ Off-Again Couples
In an examination of 581 participants, researchers followed couples to chart a “trajectory” in their relationship that went beyond whether they were together or apart.
The Mismatched Couples
These are the couples who keep coming back together despite fundamental differences. Sometimes, it’s about clashing personalities or wanting different things in life. Other times, it’s practical challenges like living in different cities or having incompatible schedules. Think of the couple who deeply care for each other but can’t align their basic life paths.
The Growth-Through-Transitions Couples
Here’s an interesting pattern – these couples actually use their breakups constructively. Each separation becomes a chance to work on themselves or the relationship. Maybe they needed space to realize what needed fixing, or perhaps the time apart helped them grow stronger. It’s like pressing pause to make the relationship better.
The Gradual Goodbye Couples
This one’s bittersweet. These couples slowly come to terms with the fact that things aren’t working. Each breakup and reunion brings more clarity until they finally accept it’s time to move on. The silver lining? They often find real closure because they gave it their all before letting go.
The Unfinished Type
This was actually missing from the original quote, but it’s worth noting that some couples bounce between together and apart because they struggle to make a clear decision either way. They’re caught in an emotional limbo, neither fully committing nor completely letting go.
The Power-Imbalance Couples
This is the most concerning type. One partner holds most of the control, deciding when to break up or get back together. There’s often manipulation involved – think guilt trips or emotional pressure. It’s less about love and more about control. These are the types of relationships where the control becomes too great and a break-up occurs. Then, the controller shows up everywhere with tickets to your favorite concert band, a trip to the location of your dreams, or a serious illness that you’d be cruel not to care about.
Life Events That Make or Break: Understanding Relationship Turning Points
These patterns reveal the complex ways we navigate love and attachment. Understanding which pattern 4 you’re in can be the first step toward either making positive changes or finding the strength to move forward separately. These patterns aren’t permanent destinies. They’re just maps that can help us understand where we are and where we might want to go next in our relationship.
Pregnancy and Children: The Ultimate Game-Changer
The prospect or reality of having children often brings couples back together. Whether by desire or obligation, creating or raising a life together can rekindle commitment and give relationships new meaning.
Career Crossroads
Life has a way of testing relationships through career challenges, and these typically show up in three distinct ways:
- Status shifts – like starting a new job or facing unemployment
- Physical distance – when work or military service forces couples apart
- Time demands – those intense periods of working late, studying for big exams, or pushing through graduate school
These career moments often become relationship crucibles. Sometimes, they pull couples apart, but occasionally, they reveal just how strong the connection really is.
Special Events: The Relationship Barometer
Think of these as those meaningful moments that force couples to face where they really stand. A wedding invitation. A family holiday. A vacation opportunity. These events become powerful indicators of commitment – either strengthening bonds or revealing cracks in the foundation.
Here’s what makes these moments so telling: It’s not just about showing up – it’s about what that presence (or absence) symbolizes. When your partner includes you in their cousin’s wedding, they’re saying something about your place in their future. When they “forget” to buy you a birthday present, that speaks volumes too.
What This Means For You
If you’re in an on-off relationship, pay attention to these turning points. They’re not just events – they’re windows into the relationship’s health and potential. Are career challenges pulling you apart, or are you finding ways to support each other through them? Do family events bring you closer or highlight your differences?
The key is to recognize these moments for what they are: opportunities to either strengthen your bond or gain clarity about where you truly stand. Sometimes, understanding why you keep coming back together – or drifting apart – is the first step toward deciding whether to fully commit or finally let go.
So, how do we break free? Here are three practical steps:
1. Dive into the Issues:
Imagine you’re on a journey to uncover the roots of those repetitive breakups. It starts with an open, honest conversation. Sit down together and explore why these patterns keep popping up. It’s about creating a safe space to share thoughts and feelings without judgment. And here’s the game-changer: actively listening. It’s not just about talking; it’s about hearing each other out. Try a structured approach—take turns speaking for 20 minutes each without interruptions. This dedicated listening time can unveil insights you might have missed before. It’s like shining a light on the dark corners of your relationship, revealing what needs fixing.
2. Focus on the Positives:
Now, let’s shift the spotlight to the bright side. Reflect on why you find yourselves drawn back together. Is it genuine affection, shared values, or just the familiarity that makes it easy to return? Dive into these reasons by having another heart-to-heart. Discuss what makes the connection special. Take notes, listen actively, and again, give each other dedicated time—20 minutes each, no interruptions. This exercise isn’t just about finding the good; it’s about understanding the core elements that make your bond worth exploring or reconsidering.
3. Know Your Limits:
Recognizing when it’s time to walk away can be tough but crucial for your well-being. Sometimes, a relationship crosses lines that shouldn’t be crossed—when it’s harmful, emotionally abusive, or simply unsafe. In these cases, it’s more than okay to draw a firm line and say, “Enough is enough.” However, in situations where it’s not harmful but just not working, it’s essential to have an honest conversation about your needs and why certain things aren’t clicking. This step is about setting healthy boundaries and knowing when staying might do more harm than good. It’s not easy, but it’s about respecting yourself and your partner enough to navigate these tough decisions together.
Final Thoughts
These steps aren’t quick fixes; they’re about fostering communication, understanding, and ultimately, making informed decisions for your well-being and the health of your relationship. They’re tools to help navigate the complex terrain of relationships, providing a clearer path forward. Remember, relationships are a journey—sometimes bumpy, sometimes smooth—but the important thing is to journey together with respect and care.
References
- Dailey, R. (2015). On‐Again/Off‐Again Relationships. In book: The International Encyclopedia of Interpersonal Communication. 10.1002/9781118540190.wbeic206.
- Dailey, R., Zhong, L., Pett, R., Scott, D. & Krawietz, C.. (2019). Investigating relationship dispositions as explanations for on-again/off-again relationships. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships. 37. 026540751986115. 10.1177/0265407519861156.
- Dailey, R., Zhang, Z., Kearns, K.. (2020). Exploring the role of sexual experiences in on‐again/off‐again dating relationships. Personal Relationships. 27. 10.1111/pere.12323.
- Dailey, R., LeFebvre, L., Brody, N. & Crook, B. (2013). Charting Changes in Commitment: Trajectories of On-Again/Off-Again Relationships. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships. 30. 1020-1044. 10.1177/0265407513480284.
