The Ashley Madison data breach forced many couples to confront difficult truths about trust, intimacy, and online behavior in relationships. While the immediate crisis has passed, the lessons learned remain relevant for anyone navigating similar challenges in their relationship. Whether you’re dealing with dating site discoveries or other forms of emotional infidelity, how you handle the conversation with your partner can make the difference between relationship recovery and permanent damage.
Yes, she might not find out. But it’s a talk you need to have with her anyway…I’m not sure what you’ll tell her, but if you’re anything like the men in my office, you are better off going the straight route and saying it all.
If she finds out on her own, she’ll realize something terribly unflattering about you.
No, not that you tried to have an affair. That’s a given. She’ll find out that you have nothing remaining of your credibility.
That leaves a woman who has any feeling for you at all despondent.
If you tell her yourself, you keep some integrity. Oh, of course, if you wait until you see your name on the list, like that poor bugger in Brockton, Massachusetts, she’ll know you realized the gig was up.
But if you tell her before you honestly know whether your name is there or not, you can, regardless of how painful it is to you, you can talk about yourself, your personal disappointments, your internal pressures, and your anger towards her and your life. You can finally let it all go.
And after the tears and accusations, and threats, and ultimatums, you’ll be two people again, with a decision to make.
Break Up over Ashley Madison
Here’s the first place that everyone goes when they consider fessing up to an actual or “premeditate” affair. They often can’t imagine that their spouse is more mature than they are, and they can’t imagine their spouse would benefit from staying together with a “cheater.”
I see that “affairs” don’t break people up; Loneliness does. The affair confirms what both of them have been feeling for a while: What’s the point?
Breakups happen when the relationship died years ago (typically) and neither one bothered to vocalize it. But both of them know it.
Sometimes, they are too sluggish or use the kids or the mortgage to justify not mentioning that “not only am I not in love with you, I don’t even like you that much…”
Staying Together after Ashley Madison
Yes, it’s not only possible, but if you act with deep integrity, chances are you’ll remember why you married her in the first place. And so will she.
But it’s tricky, and I don’t think it comes naturally to someone who has spent some time keeping their feelings, thoughts, and desires to themselves. But opening up and telling the truth is the only path to Staying Together-ville.
Why?
Because deep down, the “cheater” feels like he’s been unfair to his wife. He feels like she could have decided whether she wanted the marriage if she had known.
He took that option away from her by keeping it a secret.
By telling her, he’s essentially saying: “Do we have any reason to be together still?”
The most troubling part of this entire Ashley Madison thing is that a lot of marriages will end not because the husband has had an affair but because he wanted to.
He might even have some sexual compulsivity that I’m seeing more and more of these days. In their hyper-aroused state, they imagine that 16 thousand women are just hanging around waiting to have sex with a married man.
They keep hoping that while they find no evidence of it in everyday life, maybe the internet is a magical place where sexual dreams come true. Meanwhile, while he’s fantasizing, his wife’s working overtime. It’s not a great blend.
Cyberbullying
Some have warned that seeking out and humiliating hypocrites who preach chastity while signing up for sites such as Ashley Madison is just dessert. Others claim that facing such pressures in public exposure could lead to suicide.
Sexual Fantasies
Perhaps the most embarrassing leaks will be the sexual fantasies which, I’ve long learned, relate as closely to desires we want in “real life” as food in a classic American Chinese restaurant resembles what the Chinese eat in China every day.
That is, not much.
It turns out that so much of Ashley Madison was more about fantasy than reality. The ability to write to one’s heart’s content about some ideal romantic, sexual, or sensuous partner and have these revelries returned.
Okay, so they tended to be returned just as your “membership” expired. And they were probably written by someone paid way WAY below the USA’s minimum wage to dream up some counter identity and matching fantasy. Now, in this day and age, they are written by an AI.
Sharing Fantasies
And while it costs money to write down your fantasies in a cyber bottle and cast them into the virtual ocean, making them public causes people to fear suicidality.
Only by asking, “Why?” do we get closer to understanding why people would rather wait to see if they’re discovered (despite the emotional costs) and potentially pay others a bribery fee to keep these things secret.
Sexual Fantasies – Rolling Them Back
Let me say for the record that I haven’t read any excellent books that describe sexual fantasies in the depth that would satisfy a sex therapist.
Probably, this is because you have first to describe the sexual fantasy and then analyze it.
Books we consider the “good ones” cause us to ignore the analysis, and the “bad ones” bore or disgust the average reader too much to bother even with the analysis.
I’d suggest Nancy Friday’s collection for those who have such a passion. Yes, these are hopelessly outdated and “vanilla” by today’s standards. However, they were also constructed in the early days, when most of us were forced to rely on our sexual imaginations rather than pulling from a recent “YouPorn” clip.
Talk About it Together.
The hard truth is that healing from betrayal – whether acted upon or merely contemplated – requires both partners’ radical honesty and emotional courage. While the immediate pain of disclosure may feel overwhelming, it often proves less damaging than the slow erosion of trust that comes from harboring secrets. If you find yourself in this situation, remember that the goal isn’t just to survive a crisis but to create the possibility of a more authentic relationship moving forward. Professional support through couples counseling can help navigate this challenging terrain.
