For many people, the holidays can bring challenges and stress, and this can be especially true for neurodivergent couples. Let’s talk about neurodiversity and how it can come into play during the holidays!

What is a neurodivergent couple?

Neurodiversity describes the idea that it’s normal and acceptable for people to have brains that function differently from one another. This definition is less stigmatizing and has moved away from saying that some people’s brains are wired differently.

For neurodivergent couples (typically) you will see two types of partners. A neurotypical partner is one whose brain may be considered normal compared to the general population.

On the other hand, a neurodivergent person’s brain function is not seen as normal as the processing is outside of what may be typical. Usually, through interactions, they are made aware of a difference and are seen as abnormal.

Another definition of neurodiversity is the idea that neurological differences, like autism and ADHD, result from abnormal natural variations in the human genome. This can also include externally evolved brain differences, like post-traumatic stress disorder, traumatic brain injury, stroke, etc. These are all things that change what’s happening in the brain and would change how a person shows up in the world.

A neurodivergent couple (or neurodiverse couple) is a couple in which one or both partners are neurodivergent. This can potentially impact the relationship dynamic and what happens between the two people, and it can be both positive and negative.

Challenges for neurodivergent couples

The holidays can be a difficult time for neurodivergent couples for several reasons. One reason is that the holidays often involve a lot of overstimulation. There are more decorations, lights, noise, etc., at this time of year. This can trigger a neurodivergent person, which can then cause issues not only for that person but also for their relationship.

Another challenge during the holidays can be the increase in social interaction. There are typically more events and get-togethers at this time of year, which can become overwhelming and stress a neurodivergent couple, leaving them stuck with too many obligations.

Although this time of year can be challenging for neurodivergent couples, many practical ways can help ease the stress and overwhelm that may happen. All couples may find that they can better enjoy the holidays with a little careful planning and understanding.

Neurodiversity and the holidays

Here are a few considerations that may prove to make your holidays a more enjoyable time.

Prepare and plan ahead.

Planning and setting limitations are one tip for ensuring a smoother and more enjoyable holiday season for all couples. Talk through how long you’ll stay, your expectations, and what you will do if those expectations aren’t met. This can mean preparing for any adverse outcomes and how you will respond beforehand. Knowing you are already prepared for unforeseen circumstances is important.

Avoid overstimulation

Around the holidays, there are usually a lot of decorations, noise, crowds, different scents from baking, and just a lot of hustle and bustle. For some people with neurodivergent traits, there may be a strong affinity or a complete repulsion against this sensory input.

Each person needs to be able to take time to think and ask, “What sensory issue do I have? How does that show up for me? What do I do when that’s a problem?”

There are four types of overwhelm, and both neurotypicals and neurodiverse people can struggle with these areas. Their tolerance windows, triggers, activation, and even awareness may differ.

Those four categories of overwhelm are:

Identifying each level of overwhelm as a couple and outlining what each partner needs at those points is crucial. Then, you can create a couple code to help identify when they are approaching the top level. This can be done quickly.

Sensory toolkits

While some sensations can be overwhelming and challenging, others can immediately calm a person down. For some people, this may be touching something soft or squeezing a stress ball. Have something that can immediately calm you when needed, and keep it on hand for easy access.

Interpret the differences

Sometimes, when someone is overwhelmed and has to walk away from something, their partner may interpret that as, “You’re abandoning me. You don’t want to be with me. You’d rather that I stay here alone, and you get to be free and have fun.”

Learn to reframe. “My partner is really overwhelmed. He can’t talk to me right now and needs to take some space so that we can have a more effective conversation when he comes back.” That’s a very different filter than saying, “My partner is abandoning me.”

Identifying quiet zones

If you’re having company over at your house, is there a space that you can keep people out of? This can be for your neurodivergent partner to take a break if overwhelmed sets in. Creating those spaces at home or going to somebody’s house can be important.

Ask the hostess if there is a spot where you need to step out for a breather that you could use. This way, when that person needs a break from the sensory overload and the social overwhelm, they can go and have a place for that.

Utilize scripts

Scripts can also be helpful. They identify what to say in a particular social situation. For example, someone with PTSD who has a service dog went to a wedding. During the reception, people approached him and asked him about his dog. Even though they were appropriately behaved, it was overwhelming for him.

It was exhausting for him not to have a break from the conversation and to repeat the same thing repeatedly to the same question for essentially the length of the reception. To combat this, he wrote scripts to help him avoid those conversations more appropriately.

Prepare ahead of time for those uncomfortable or overwhelming conversations during the holidays.

Dress comfortably

Sometimes, clothing can be an issue in terms of sensory overload. If a person is supposed to wear a suit or something formal that is uncomfortable, see if there’s some wiggle room around what to wear for a gathering. This way, you’ll be in more comfortable clothing without constantly reacting to that tactile trigger.

Eat prior or pack a meal.

Food issues can also arise around the holidays. A neurodiverse individual may have sensory issues related to food, such as taste or texture. Eating before a gathering or having a separate meal for the gathering can be extremely helpful.

This is also a social issue because sometimes guests or hosts may not appreciate that a person isn’t eating very much, indulging in other food, or bringing their own food. This can be another good time to have a script so couples who address this at a gathering can be ready for what’s coming.

Run interference

Many partners are willing to support their neurodiverse partner’s challenges in social situations. They don’t always know how to do so.

This is another great space for “couple codes.” For example, ‘If I squeeze your shoulder, I need a break.” “If I kiss your cheek, I’m leaving. I’ve reached my window of tolerance and want to go home. I need my body away from people.”

Developing a system where a neurodiverse partner may help pull another person away from a conversation. If a triggering family member comes up to the neurodivergent partner, is the neurotypical partner able to intervene and help them out of a challenging social situation. Getting the neurotypical partner onboard for some of those challenges is helpful.

Have an exit strategy.

Another helpful tip for the holidays is to have exit strategies. Sometimes, we feel better in social situations when we know where the exits are. That might mean getting to leave after an hour or taking separate cars so someone can leave early. Those are helpful plans to implement so they know they have an exit.

Prioritize

A couple may wish to sit down and say, “This is the list of social and gathering things we’re looking at doing during this timeframe.” Then, they can prioritize the most important events. They can decide which would be best to attend as a couple and which are less critical. This will make the season more doable, prioritize specific gatherings, and ensure they are okay for both partners.

Schedule quiet and recovery time.

After a social event, as a neurodiverse couple, you may need to spend time recovering the next day. It may change what your Sunday will look like if that Saturday night event happens for a neurodivergent person. It’s essential to plan ahead for that, not be overwhelmed with too many events, and to prioritize quiet and recovery time.

Try to keep a routine.

Changes in routine can often be challenging during the holiday season. Sometimes, a neurodiverse person will miss their work because it is a place where they feel comfortable and accomplished, while they may not feel that way at home. They can hyperfocus at work, but at home, they may not be as proficient or interested in the tasks.

Unfortunately, there is usually an increase in tasks to be done. People often have many rituals around the holidays, and for neurodivergent couples, this can feel overwhelming.

One way to do this is to have a daily five-minute check-in routine. This is preferable right before bed or potentially earlier in the morning. During this time, each partner identifies three things they want to accomplish that day.

What does my to-do list look like? Is there anything that the relationship needs or the household needs? Then, you can prioritize.

A brief check-in to see what the other person’s day is like and prioritize what they need can be a critical, stress-reducing conversation for both of you.

Take a different perspective.

One of the issues that are pretty unique with those on the Autism spectrum is stronger loyalty to the family of origin than to the family with their partner. The holidays are especially a time when this may show up more.

Sometimes, there is even emotional injury from the neurodiverse partner’s family of origin toward the neurotypical spouse. The neurodivergent partner may not get why their neurotypical partner doesn’t want to be there.

It’s important to take the other person’s perspective and say, “You know what? My mom definitely shouldn’t have said that to you” vs. “She’s my mom and I don’t see why you don’t want to go see her. It’s the holidays. We’re supposed to have dinner.”

Identify value systems

Value systems can be really different in a neurodiverse couple, especially around the holidays.

The holidays may not be meaningful and valuable to a neurodiverse person because of all the stress related to it.

A neurotypical partner may have a very different value system around the holidays. Their priority of tasks may be very different. As a result, they may struggle a bit more with their neurodivergent partner having a different value system.

Going to holiday gatherings and different parties may be enjoyable to the neurotypical partner. It means a lot to them, and they don’t understand why it’s not important to their partner. You are two different people. You may have two different boundaries and experiences. Identifying those value systems and what those differences mean to each of you is important.

A few reminders about neurodiversity

As you navigate the holidays together, there are a few essential things to remember.

Sometimes, neurotypical partners see all of the adaptations and adjustments they make to have a happier relationship. It’s important to remember that the neurodiverse partner often makes huge adjustments and adaptations to have a good relationship.

Both of you will feel like you’re the ones working harder. It’s a given that you’ll be totally aware of all the adjustments you’ve had to make. However, you may not be as sensitive or acutely aware of all the adjustments that your partner has had to make.

The holidays can be tricky for most people, especially for neurodivergent couples. These couples may need extra support during this season, and it can be important for their partner to recognize this and help however they can. So, follow these tips and enjoy this special time of year in each other’s company. If you need extra support, reach out to our team.