Married But Living Separately: Redefining Relationships

Romantic relationships come in all shapes and sizes. No one-size-fits-all approach works for all couples. What matters isn’t following tradition—it’s finding what genuinely works for you and your partner.

After counseling couples for over 30 years, I’ve noticed something interesting. More and more married couples are choosing to live in separate homes. People call it “married but living separately,” or “Living Apart Together” or LAT, and it occurs more often than you might think.

Some of my clients feel embarrassed when they admit they’re considering a living apart relationship. They worry it means their marriage is failing. But here’s what I tell them: living arrangements don’t define relationship health. Connection does.

For some couples, a husband and wife living separately actually saves their marriage. For others, the distance creates problems. What matters isn’t sharing an address—it’s whether your arrangement supports both of your emotional needs.

For Selma and Ben, living apart worked just fine for their early dating years, but Selma was shocked when Ben’s career decision brought him closer to his parents and away from hers. It felt like a betrayal.

Understanding Living Apart Together (LAT) Relationships

According to Wiki: “In Australia, Canada and the US representative surveys indicate that between 6% and 9% of unmarried adults has a partner who lives elsewhere.”

Living Apart Together (LAT) describes couples who maintain a committed relationship while living in separate homes. It’s not a temporary arrangement or a step toward divorce. For many couples, it’s a deliberate, long-term choice.

Some live just across town from each other. Others live in different cities or states. The growing number of couples choosing this arrangement suggests something important: no single “right way” exists in how to be married.

I’ve worked with LAT couples who see each other daily and others who connect on weekends. Some have lived this way for decades. Many tell me they couldn’t imagine going back to shared living. This arrangement works especially well for people who value both deep connection and personal space.

Why Married Couples Choose to Live Separately

People choose separate homes for many different reasons. Understanding why couples live apart helps us see the potential benefits of this arrangement.

Career and Geographical Necessities

Work often pulls partners in different directions. Living apart can be a practical solution when both have established careers in different locations.

Maria and James lived this way for seven years. “I had my medical practice in Boston, and he had his business in New York,” Maria shared. Living separately meant neither of us had to sacrifice our life’s work. The distance was challenging, but it was better than the resentment that would have built if we had had to give up our careers.”

According to research, LAT couples appear more frequently in higher and lower socioeconomic households but for very different reasons. The educational level also can impact how frequently a couple live in a LAT relationship. Stereotypically, LAT couples were assumed to be actors, writers, artists, or university professors. In truth, they come from many different professions.

Jim and Bill both decided that it was wise for Bill to take a job a plane ride away, both financially and career-wise. He and Jim were willing to make the necessary concessions to bring him on. Bill lives modestly in his “business home,” as the family calls it. They have created rituals that they faithfully keep to maintain their connection with their small child. As the arrangement has evolved, so have Bill’s needs. “I was exhausted with the first schedule that kept me traveling back and forth too much. I proposed a much saner schedule that worked for my company,” he shared, “and they went for it.”

Many couples start living apart because of job demands but discover unexpected benefits in their marriage. The question becomes less about “Why are we apart?” and more about “What’s working well in this arrangement?”

Personal Space and Autonomy

Some people simply need more alone time than others. This doesn’t mean they love their partner any less—it just means they recharge differently.

Robert, who identifies as neurodivergent, told me in a session: “I need quiet solitude every evening. My wife needs conversation and activity. When we lived together, we were constantly compromising, and both ended up frustrated. Now that we have separate homes just a few blocks apart, we’re able to love each other better.”

For couples with different sleep schedules, sensory needs, or personal habits, married living apart can solve problems that once seemed insurmountable.

Different Lifestyle Preferences

What happens when one person thrives in city environments while the other needs nature and quiet? When one is meticulously organized and the other comfortably messy? These differences create daily friction in shared homes.

“We tried for years to blend our lifestyles,” Tom explained during couples therapy. “I felt suffocated in his minimalist apartment, and he felt anxious in my cozy, cluttered home. Living in separate homes means we each get the environment we need to feel at peace.”

For the Gallo family, it was more about life stage than preferences. “I retired, while Tilly was reaching the top of her career,” Michael told me. “I needed to spend more time in our summer home and decided to winterize it. But it would have been career suicide for Tilly to give up her profession. We miss one another, but we adjust.” The couple was 15 years apart in age.

When couples live separately by choice, they often find they argue less about day-to-day issues or even major life choices and enjoy their time together more.

Blended Family Dynamics

Combining families is tough. Children from previous relationships often struggle with new family structures, living arrangements, and parenting styles.

Elena and David tried living together with their children from previous marriages. “It was constant conflict,” Elena told me.

“Now we live ten minutes apart. His kids have their familiar home, and mine have theirs. Our relationship remains strong, and the pressure on the children has disappeared.

Bib and her husband Colin also had children from a former marriage and lived three states apart. “My ex wouldn’t entertain the idea of me moving,” Bib said. It was either live apart from Colin or live without him.” She decided on the relationship, although both plan to move when the children live independently.

But it isn’t just legalities that keep blended families apart. Some parents don’t want to move their children away from neighbors, friends, school systems, and maybe most importantly, loving grandparents. “They’d kill me,” Colin told me. “They love being grandparents, and my children grew up living close to them. It would hurt everyone for me to move so far away.”

For blended families, having separate homes can give everyone the space they need. This helps the long-term relationship between partners to grow.

“I never wanted to have children,” Shirley told me. When I met Thomas, his son was just 3 years old. He was a wonderful child, but he still needed a lot of care and caretaking. While I love him very much, I don’t want to be in that space to have the emotional load of daily caretaking.” Shirley is there for Thomas when he needs to travel on business. Tom Jr. knows and loves to spend time with Shirley, but he knows who is Mom and Dad are. Thomas’s ex is also very possessive of her mothering role. This makes it easier all around.

The Psychological Benefits of Living Apart While Married

When couples intentionally choose to live apart, I often see surprising psychological benefits emerge in their relationship.

Maintaining Individuality Within Partnership

In traditional marriages, personal identities sometimes get blurred. Living apart helps maintain stronger boundaries and clearer sense of self.

“When we shared a home, I lost track of my own needs and interests,” Sasha explained in a session. “Now that we live separately, I’ve reconnected with who I am outside the relationship. I bring a more complete self to our marriage.”

Healthy relationships need two whole individuals, not two halves trying to make a whole. For some people, separate living arrangements are better than shared homes because they support this wholeness.

Renewing Appreciation and Reducing Friction

Minor irritations don’t pile up when you don’t share daily space. The dirty dishes, different temperature preferences, and scheduling conflicts fade in importance.

“We never fight about household stuff anymore,” Mark told me about his living apart relationship. “When we see each other, it’s because we want to, not because we have to be in the same space. That single shift has transformed our marriage.”

Many people living apart find that absence really does make the heart grow fonder. The time they spend together feels fresh and meaningful rather than routine.

Enhanced Communication Practices

When you don’t share a home, you can’t rely on physical proximity to maintain connection. You must communicate deliberately.

Couples in long-term relationships who live separately often develop stronger communication skills out of necessity. They can’t assume they know what’s happening in each other’s lives.

They ask more questions. They listen more carefully. They check in about feelings regularly.

Diane described it perfectly: “Living apart forced us to actually talk about important things. When we lived together, we mostly discussed logistics. Now our conversations are deeper because we make time specifically for connecting.”

The Changing Definition of Intimacy in Modern Relationships

As relationship structures evolve, our understanding of intimacy itself is expanding beyond physical presence to encompass deeper forms of emotional and psychological connection. This evolution challenges the assumption that sharing a living space is essential for maintaining the depth and quality of a committed relationship.

Beyond Physical Proximity: Redefining Connection

True intimacy, LAT couples discover, emerges not from sharing a bathroom but from sharing vulnerabilities, dreams, and authentic presence—qualities that sometimes flourish with intermittent separation. This recognition represents a profound shift in how we conceptualize intimacy, moving from physical proximity as the primary marker to emotional and psychological attunement.

The redefinition of intimacy in LAT relationships often includes developing heightened empathic awareness, maintaining curiosity about one’s partner despite familiarity, and creating psychological presence even during physical absence. Rather than diminishing intimacy, the space between separate homes can create a canvas where deeper forms of connection develop through intentional practice.

Intentional Togetherness vs. Default Proximity

The quality of connection often intensifies when togetherness represents an active choice rather than a default state, creating a relationship defined by desire rather than habit. This distinction fundamentally shifts the emotional landscape of the relationship, transforming “having to be together” into “wanting to be together.”

Many LAT couples report that their time together feels more precious and meaningful specifically because it requires intention and effort. The anticipation of reuniting can create a sustained sense of excitement that relationships characterized by constant proximity sometimes lose to familiarity and routine.

“Every Friday when we reunite feels like the early days of dating,” shared one partner in a five-year LAT marriage. “We never take each other’s presence for granted because we’ve spent the week actively missing each other. That missing is actually a gift to our relationship.”

Navigating Challenges in Living Apart Relationships

Living separately isn’t without difficulties. Here are the main challenges couples face and how to address them.

Managing Physical Distance and Intimacy

Physical connection requires more planning when married couples live in separate homes. Spontaneous affection, casual touch, and sexual intimacy don’t happen naturally throughout the day.

Successful couples living apart create intentional rituals around physical connection. They schedule regular time together. They prioritize intimacy when they are together. They find creative ways to maintain physical closeness despite the distance, such as Zoom meals.

“We have standing overnight dates three times a week,” one couple told me. “And we never end a visit without scheduling our next one. This consistency keeps our physical connection strong.” Some have even chosen movies to watch from home together and then talk about them virtually.

Social Perception and External Judgment

People will question your living arrangements. Family members will worry. Friends might assume your marriage is failing. This external pressure can create doubt even when the arrangement works well for both partners.

“My mother constantly asks when we’re going to ‘fix’ our marriage by moving back together,” Nina shared. “I’ve had to get comfortable explaining that we’re not broken—we’ve found what works for us.”

Finding support from other couples in living apart relationships helps. So does working with a therapist who understands that successful marriages come in many forms.

Financial Considerations

The practical reality is that maintaining two households usually costs more than one. This puts living apart together relationships out of reach for some couples. But others find creative solutions.

“We each have small, affordable apartments instead of one large house,” Carlos explained. “It actually costs about the same as a bigger shared home would, but gives us both the environment we need.”

Some couples share ownership of both properties. Others time-share in one location. Financial transparency and regular money discussions become especially important in these arrangements.

How Intensive Couples Retreats Can Strengthen LAT Marriages

When living apart creates emotional distance, specialized help makes a difference. Intensive couples retreats offer focused time to rebuild connection and develop strategies tailored to your unique relationship structure. These couples often fly in and out on different flights but spend extra days in my Boston location before they go. I tell them to add the days to the end of the intensive, not the beginning, to allow the conversations to continue to flow.

Creating Shared Emotional Experiences

For married couples living separately, daily life doesn’t automatically create shared experiences. A couples therapy retreat provides concentrated time to build emotional connection through structured activities.

In this immersive environment, you remember how it feels to be continuously connected. You create reference points of intimacy that sustain you during times apart.

Many couples find that a weekend retreat provides more relationship growth than months of occasional therapy sessions. The intensive experience allows deeper work in a shorter time.

Practical Strategies for Thriving in a Living Apart Marriage

Successful LAT couples develop intentional practices that transform physical distance from an obstacle into a unique relationship asset. These strategies require consistent implementation but often become cherished elements of the relationship’s structure.

Scheduled Quality Time

Rather than relying on proximity to create connection, LAT couples find that deliberately scheduling both in-person and virtual quality time creates more meaningful interactions. This scheduling extends beyond simply noting when couples will be together to planning the quality of that time—ensuring it meets both partners’ needs for connection.

“We have a shared calendar with color codes for different types of connection,” explained one couple. “Green for in-person time, blue for video dates, yellow for phone calls. This helps us ensure we’re maintaining balanced connection despite the distance.”

Developing Distance-Appropriate Communication Tools

At our intensive couples retreats, we teach specific skills for maintaining connection across physical distance. You’ll learn how to:

• Check in meaningfully without being intrusive
• Resolve conflicts remotely without letting issues fester
• Share emotional states honestly and clearly
• Maintain connection during separations

These aren’t the same communication tools that work for couples who share a home. When you’re in a living apart together relationship, you need specialized approaches that bridge the physical gap.

Some couples develop elaborate rituals around transitions between together and apart time, creating ceremonial practices that honor both the coming together and the separation. “We always have a special dinner our first night together and a special breakfast before separating,” shared one couple. “It gives structure to our transitions.”

Redefining Intimacy Beyond Physical Proximity

Intimacy isn’t just about sharing space. Sharing yourselves is even more important. In our couples therapy retreats, you’ll expand your definition of intimacy beyond physical presence.

You’ll discover ways to create emotional closeness even when physically apart. You’ll learn to recognize and honor each other’s attachment needs while respecting boundaries. You’ll develop rituals that maintain connection across any distance.

As one client said after attending our retreat: “We realized our living arrangement wasn’t the problem. Our narrow definition of intimacy was. Now we have so many more ways to feel close, even when we’re in different homes.”

Practical Strategies for Thriving in a Living Apart Marriage

Successful couples don’t leave their connection to chance. They develop intentional practices that keep their relationship strong despite maintaining separate homes.

Scheduled Quality Time

Don’t just note when you’ll be together—plan the quality of that time. Schedule both in-person and virtual connections regularly.

Some people in living apart relationships use shared calendars with different categories of connection time:

• Physical togetherness
• Video dates
• Voice calls
• Text check-ins

Be specific about what kind of connection you need and when. Don’t assume your partner knows.

“Friday nights are sacred,” one married couple living apart told me. “Even if we’re in different cities, we dress up, order the same takeout, and have a proper date over video. It’s non-negotiable time for us.”

Maintaining Shared Rituals and Traditions

Rituals create continuity when physical togetherness isn’t constant.

• Morning texts.
• Goodnight calls.
• Sunday dinners.
• Monthly weekend trips.

These regular practices become anchors in your relationship.

Pay special attention to transitions between togetherness and separation. Create meaningful ways to reconnect when coming together and to say goodbye when parting.

Lisa and Carlos have a simple tradition: “We always make pancakes our first morning back together, and we always take a walk before separating. These bookends help us transition between together and apart.”

Technology as a Connection Tool

Use technology creatively to share experiences despite distance. Watch movies simultaneously with a shared chat. Play online games together. Use apps designed for long-distance couples that allow you to send touches, hearts, or other signals throughout the day.

One couple I work with has smart lamps that sync with each other. “When I touch my lamp, his glows the same color. It’s a wordless way to say ‘I’m thinking of you’ throughout the day.”

Simple technological touches can create moments of connection that bridge physical separation for married couples who live separately.

Conclusion: Is Living Apart Right for Your Marriage?

There’s no one-size-fits-all answer. Living apart works beautifully for some couples and would be disastrous for others. The key questions aren’t about conforming to norms but about knowing yourselves.

Ask:

• Does this living arrangement support both partners’ wellbeing?
• Are both people truly satisfied, or is one person just accommodating?
• Do the benefits outweigh the challenges for your specific situation?
• Do you have the communication skills and emotional resources to maintain connection across distance?

When Selma and Ben began to view their marriage as a life-long commitment, they began to discuss their options in greater detail.

Living apart doesn’t mean loving apart. With intention and care, physical separation can coexist with deep emotional connection in a long-term relationship. They decided that it was most important for Selma to live close to her mother after their children were born and for those early parenting years. Once teens, they would move to Ben’s side of the US, and allow them to enjoy the warm California sun. For them, living apart wouldn’t work during their childrearing years as it did for their dating years.

Reconnect and Thrive at Our Intensive Couples Retreats

If you’re struggling to maintain connection while living separately, our intensive couples retreats can help. We specialize in supporting non-traditional relationship structures like married couples living in separate homes.

Over a transformative weekend, you’ll work with therapists who understand the unique challenges of living apart relationships. You’ll develop personalized strategies for:

• Maintaining emotional connection despite physical distance
• Communicating effectively across any gap
• Creating intimacy that doesn’t depend on sharing an address
• Building a relationship that honors both togetherness and separateness

Our couples therapy retreats are held at comfortable venues across the USA with expert couples therapists.

Whether you’re already in a living apart together relationship or considering this arrangement, our private intensive couples retreats provide the guidance and tools you need to make your marriage thrive on your own terms.

Contact us today to learn about upcoming intensive couples retreats in your area. Take the first step toward a relationship that honors both your need for connection and your need for space.