Dear Dr. K,
My husband is attractive and likes attention from other women. All non verbal attention. Nothing physical occurs that I’m aware of. Its feels to me that he builds relationships with them by meeting them at the same time as they are walking or driving by. He times it perfectly looking at the clock and stalls until when he knows they will pass by. He goes outside to take out the garbage or get in his car to run errands. He doesn’t work due to a disability. Is this considered cheating? I feel betrayed and am not imagining it as he suggests. He has said “no one’s doing anything” one time when I mentioned it.
Troubled by Timely Encounters
Dear Troubled by Timely Encounters,
Here’s what I can say to you: “If you want to lose weight, stay out of the bakery.” “If you are trying to avoid drinking, don’t go to bars.”
In your husband’s case, if he is not interested in having an affair, he should stop indicating to other women that this is what he wants to do.
It isn’t the point that he is not doing anything physical. The point is that he is positioning himself strategically to engage with attractive others.
Are you having a great sex life? Does his disability in any way interfere with his sexual functioning? His efforts are likely to arouse him, if only through his own version of fantasy play.
However, real-life women are an inappropriate target for his self-arousing games.
While I don’t recommend it, I can’t help but wonder how he would feel If you got all dressed up one weekend night and when asked where you were going, you replied “I’m going to hang out at a dating bar in order to attract men’s attention.”
If he objects, you might reassure him that you have no intention of “doing anything.”
Perhaps such a clear example might bring home the point that attempting to gain the sexual interest of the opposite sex is not a sport for a married man.
It is quite possible that at some point, the other woman and not your husband will respond to this courting behavior. If there’s mutual attraction, he must exercise the very self-control that he has failed to exercise in the first place.
I would have a serious conversation with him about why he wants to engage in flirtatious behavior, telling him sincerely how it impacts you. Then, I would ask him directly to stop.
If he denies it, that is called “gaslighting,” and you might want to read the several articles I have on that subject. If he agrees to stop and doesn’t, he’s breaking his word and has demonstrated to you that you cannot and should not trust him.
As you aptly point out, betrayal is more than a person having physical intimacy with another. Betrayal happens when one spouse directs their time and emotional energy to pursue people outside the marriage. A single word doesn’t have to be spoken for betrayal to happen.
Thank you for your story. I wish you well in your effort to help your husband identify and change his ways.
Dr. K
