Discernment Counseling: Time-Limited Help if Considering Divorce

Thinking about divorce but not completely sure it’s the right choice? Discernment counseling offers a helpful middle ground for couples who aren’t ready for divorce but also aren’t certain about working on their marriage. This special type of counseling gives you and your partner a safe space to explore your options, understand your feelings, and make a clear decision about your next steps – all without the pressure to immediately save or end your marriage.

What is discernment counseling?

Discernment counseling is a therapeutic approach designed for those who are struggling with the decision about whether to stay in a marriage, divorce or wait and do nothing. 

It’s sometimes called “pre-divorce counseling,” but if one of you is definite that you want a divorce, there is no question about it; this form of counseling isn’t for you. If one of you is seriously contemplating divorce or are a couple on the brink, this isn’t the time to “work on the marriage.” 

That time has passed.

But if you have lingering doubts about whether getting divorced is an intelligent move, you’ll want to slow down and give it some serious thought. 

Have a place where the professional sees your short-term, individually, and briefly together. It’s for mixed-agenda couples deciding whether to divorce or not.

Divorce is an impactful decision. It’s an important one that only each of you can make. In other words, it is a time-limited approach that can help you judge your marital options well, especially if you are seriously contemplating divorce.

Make sure that marriage counseling isn’t a waste of your time and money. But also ensure you aren’t jumping the gun and getting an unnecessary divorce.

Discernment Counseling is designed for those who are actively doubtful that marital therapy will do any good.

Who goes to discernment counseling?

The leaning out partner’s perspective

You may be looking to “get out easy” without being the one everyone “blames” for the divorce or causing even more pain.

If you have done counseling before, you may have “agreed” hardheartedly. Secretly, you were utterly convinced that “nothing would help.” Or you went to someone you thought was an expert, and it went horribly. You might have previously mentioned marriage counseling, but the idea was rejected. 

You could be involved in an undisclosed, ongoing extra-marital affair that you aren’t willing to reveal or to give up.

Or are you so depressed you can’t do therapy well? The divorce process is equally overwhelming, too. Or you want a no-fault divorce but are getting no cooperation. Or there are children involved, and you are concerned about how a divorce might impact them.

This might not be the first time you’ve thought about leaving.  

But at this point, you can’t continue the way things are, not for your husband or wife, not for anybody, not even if children are involved. You are in so much pain that you believe divorce may be the only solution.

You have a story to tell.

Pain, frustration. Perhaps that story hasn’t been taken seriously until now. Not even now. It’s about your unhappiness. The efforts you put in to make things work, and how it didn’t help.

The lonely feelings you’ve been covering up. How invisible you feel. And how the things you’ve done to try to make things better between you have left, you’ve been even more hopeless. You want to give up.

There’s no air in the room when you are together. Vacations suck. You feel like a fake staying. And you want a life. Heck, you deserve a life. The passion is gone (if it ever was there), and you don’t believe in keeping up appearances. 

BUT DIVORCE? THAT’S A BIG STEP

You’d like a place to have the space to talk it out with somebody. Find the words to explain to your spouse, who may be freaked out. Or so angry you can’t say “pass the salt” without an argument. You may not go for more than one session. That’s fine. Each session stands on its own.  We aren’t there to “convince” you to stay. To slow you down and help you clarify what you want to do and why.

It’s not marriage counseling, either. We aren’t going to try to change around what makes you both so unhappy.

If you decide to go that route, that’s for later. That’s one of three choices you’ll have to make. For now, you want to know which direction to go, with greater clarity and confidence.

But let’s be honest:  If you don’t explore your contributions to the marriage’s problems, you’re just likely to repeat it. 

And if you have an active affair going on (no, we won’t make you disclose that in Discernment Counseling…), repeating that same mistake might happen sooner rather than later.

The ‘Leaning In’ spouse’s perspective

You knew there were problems, but leaving? That’s not what you thought the two of you were made of. You’re not a quitter. You can’t believe you’ve been betrayed like this when you’ve worked so long and hard to keep the marriage together.  

“You’re going to leave?  Just like that?” After all this time and they are talking about giving up? Walking out on you and the family?

Is there an affair partner you found out about? Really? Her?  Him? It’s so hard to be your ‘best self’ in that situation. Of course, you’re hurt. Mad. Or cold and unresponsive. Betrayed and deeply wounded. A whole host of negative emotions.

And not putting your best foot forward.

The “leaning-in ” partner is usually terribly upset. They’ve just had the rug pulled out from underneath them, with their spouse saying, “I’m not in love with you anymore…” or, worse, “I want a divorce.” They may be angry, in mourning, frustrated, and just plain upset. They may have become abusive, placating, inconsolable, or willing to “do anything” to improve things. They may act in various ways depending on the day or the minute.

But you’re not a “victim,” and you have work to do.

First, you must decide if you want to keep this marriage. That’s a decision you must make too. If you want the marriage, if you really, really want this marriage, you have to know why you do and why it’s worth fighting for. Why is it worth working hard to save, and why is it on you to do most of the work to save it even if you’re the only one working?

Know what is genuinely working and what is not.

Goals for the ‘Leaning Out’ partner

• Clarity
• Confidence
• Ending the struggling deciding what is the best thing

There are some pretty legitimate reasons for leaving a marriage

Can you own up to your part in any of them?

• Drug or alcohol abuse?
• Periodic violence?
• Explosive rage or out-of-control depression the partner refuses to get help for?
• Multiple affairs on your part?

Or maybe less dramatic things. Emotional or sexual withholding that has gone on for years, even decades? 

Discernment counseling isn’t a “pity party” for those who want to hold onto their marriages. The therapist won’t remain a passive listener to how you’ve been hurt and try to console you.

If you aren’t willing to hear what your partner is saying about why they want to end the marriage, you’re practically signing the divorce papers for them.

If you want to end it, Discernment Counseling might be a single session to get clear on that and decide how to move forward.

But if you don’t want out, how you act from this point forward really matters. We know all the ways that don’t work: Threatening, scolding, and pleading don’t work. We could go on and on, but Discernment Counseling focuses on how you choose to conduct yourself in your private sessions.

Real. Concentrated. Work.

Goals for the Leaning In partner

• Bring your best self forward
• Settle yourself, and don’t make things worse
• Reduce the ‘desperate’ feeling

What is the format of discernment counseling?

Limited sessions

A Discernment Counselor spends most of the session time in individual meetings.  In an intensive, we’ll see you individually for approximately one and a half hours each and together briefly in between.

Again, this is not marriage counseling, and there is no debate or argument during this joint meeting.

Remember that one of you is leaning out of the marriage and nearly ready to go forward with a divorce. The other person may be ready to do whatever it takes to save the marriage.

There will be a lot to talk about. Calmly. Rationally. Seriously.

• Explore how you got to this point in your relationship
• Evaluate objectively whether past counseling has been helpful or detrimental
• Examine all options about possible next steps

Many people need the time, space, and an objective, supportive therapist to provide a place to consider all their options thoughtfully.

And it’s time-limited; you will meet both individually and as a couple during each session.

The goal is to reflect upon and consider the best course of action for you:

Why do discernment counseling?

Discernment Counseling is successful when partners have clarity and confidence in their decision. Once you’ve gained clarity and direction, you can confidently decide your next steps. To learn more about this method of working, read this article Wall Street Journal.

At Couples Therapy Inc., we start all Discernment Counseling with a State of the Union Assessment. This way, we will be fully informed about the state of your marriage and can help you more effectively. Think of it as “pre-discernment counseling.”

What are the expected outcomes of discernment counseling?

Path One:    Stay the same- Do nothing and decide later. (most people hate this path)

Path Two:    Make an informed, ideally mutual decision to divorce…a constructive divorce; you may seek divorce professionals to work with, such as divorce mediators. 

Path Three:   Decide on a reconciliation plan to wholeheartedly work on renewing the marriage. It’s a long-term six-month commitment, but a fully committed one.

In Discernment Counseling, you don’t have to be sure you want to remain married. 

You don’t have to be convinced that you want a divorce.

There is no pressure to commit to any given path.

Which professionals practice discernment counseling?

An elite group of professionals with advanced training in couples therapy does Discernment Counseling. Many have been approved to conduct his work by the Couples on the Brink Project, the group that originated this groundbreaking approach. Discernment Counseling helps the couple, individually, to decide if counseling is really the way to go.  Not surprisingly, marital therapy at that point was of no help. This leaves the “leaning out” spouse even more convinced that divorce is the only viable option.

For this reason, discernment counseling can save thousands of dollars spent on marital counseling destined to fail.

Managing “the audience”

You can’t ignore “the audience,” if there is one. If you haven’t told anybody, all the better. Don’t until you’ve complete discernment. You’ll set off a flood of opinions that won’t be neutral and won’t help you explore all the complex feelings safely and calmly.

You’re living in an emotional windstorm, and everybody will have an opinion not only on what you should do but what they would do in your situation. Or what they did do in your situation.

Only they aren’t in your situation; you are. 

Unless they are Marital First Responders from Bill Doherty and the Doherty Relationship Institute, they will likely make matters worse instead of better. You may find yourself pulled by family, friends, clergy, divorce professionals, or even an individual therapist who has only heard your side of the story. You may be getting well-meaning but competing advice, and you may also be getting more confused. None of it is “objective” unless they are trained professionals who have done a thorough assessment of your relationship.

It’s a big decision: whether to give it one last try to make it work or whether to divorce. And it’s a decision only you can make, and it’s an important one. 

 “No one wants to do half-hearted couples counseling: not your couples therapist, you, or your spouse.”

Neither do we. Discernment counseling isn’t marriage counseling. We ensure that if you decide to go to marriage counseling, it isn’t a waste of your time and money. Like dragging your feet, not really wanting to be there, half-hearted attempts wasting…

We emphasize the importance of each partner recognizing their contribution to the problems and considering all the viable solutions, not just marriage counseling. Even if you decide to divorce, knowing what part you’ve played in your marital troubles will be particularly useful to you in future relationships.

Closing

Making the choice between working on your marriage and moving toward divorce is one of life’s biggest decisions. Discernment counseling is a short-term approach that helps you make this choice with confidence and clarity, rather than doubt and confusion. Whether you decide to try marriage counseling, move forward with divorce, or take more time to decide, you’ll walk away knowing you’ve given your choice the careful thought it deserves. Remember, there’s no wrong path – only the one that’s right for you and your situation after careful consideration.

Originally published February 23, 2016