Revised 3/25/24

In this series of posts, we’ll explore the fascinating world of attachment-based couples therapy and how it can help couples strengthen their emotional connections and improve their relationships. We’ll begin by discussing the basics of attachment theory and its significance in shaping our capacity for forming and maintaining close bonds. We’ll also delve into the concept of secure attachment and how it lays the foundation for healthy and fulfilling partnerships.

Attachment-based couples therapy is a therapeutic approach to helping couples. It draws on the principles of attachment theory to help couples improve their emotional connection and strengthen their relationships. Psychologists John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth developed it.

Attachment theory

Attachment theory emphasizes the significance of early caregiver-child bonds in shaping an individual’s capacity for forming and maintaining close relationships. In couples therapy, this approach focuses on understanding how each partner’s attachment styles and patterns influence their interactions. In attachment-based couples therapy, the therapist helps partners:

  • explore their attachment histories 
  • explore how those histories may be playing out in their current relationship dynamics
  • identify attachment styles, such as secure, anxious, avoidant/fearful, or disorganized, and
  • examine how these patterns manifest in communication, intimacy, and conflict resolution.

The therapist collaborates with the couple to create a secure and supportive environment. We want both partners to feel heard and validated. The therapy aims to foster a deeper understanding of each other’s emotional needs and vulnerabilities through exercises, reflections, and open dialogue.

Cultivating a more secure attachment bond can help couples develop greater trust, intimacy, and a stronger foundation for navigating challenges. This approach is particularly beneficial for couples facing issues related to trust, communication, and unresolved emotional wounds from their past.

Attachment theory informs many attachment-based couples therapy models, such as Imago,  Emotionally-Focused Couples Therapy,, and Gottman Method couples treatments.

During an assessment, our BIG BIG Book not only reveals the couple’s dominant attachment styles but also gives us a numerical score across all four attachment styles. Rarely do we see a client who is purely one style. But there is typically a dominant style that overshadows all the rest.

Attachment-based couples therapy and secure attachment

As I mentioned, your attachment style is your worldview of how you believe love and intimate relationships work.

Attachment-based couples therapy operates on the premise that the most fortunate among us have Secure Attachment, which is by far the best parental hand.

Secure Attachment offers decisive benefits that help you provide resilience and responsiveness to your partner during tough times.

But what are the most common combinations in our Couples Therapy Intensives where at least one partner is securely attached? What happens in attachment-based couples therapy when we discover a less securely attached partner?

Many of these couples have stable and loving bonds, and many could be even better. Remember, we are all mostly a mix of different styles.

Is my attachment style carved in stone? Can attachment-based couples therapy help?

Attachment styles can change once you realize your childhood casts a long shadow. Understanding how and why we tend to unconsciously fall back on our childhood attachment patterns in our adult intimate relationships is crucial. The paradox is that our painful childhood patterns can cause severe problems in our marriages. But despite that fact, our attachment styles are still somewhat resistant to change because they feel so right and familiar to us.

Attachment-based couples therapy can help you understand these childhood attachment injuries and move into a new secure attachment style.

Attachment Theory has been a significant factor in developing science-based couples therapy.

It is a crucial aspect of how we come to love the way we do. Our attachment styles can be a profound source of grace.

Conclusion

Understanding the principles of attachment theory and the importance of secure attachment is crucial for couples seeking to build strong and resilient relationships. In the next post, we’ll explore the dynamics of the Secure-Secure attachment combination and how it contributes to a stable and loving partnership.

Learn about Secure-Secure couples bonds.

Research:

Bowlby, J. M. (1969). Attachment and loss: Vol. 1. Attachment. New York: Basic Books.

Bowlby, J. M. (1979). The making and breaking of affectional bonds. London, UK: Tavistock.

Johnson, S., & Greenberg, L. (1985). Emotionally focused couples therapy: An outcome study. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 11(3), 313-317.”

Johnson, S. & Greenberg, L. (1985). “The Differential Effects of Experiential and Problem Solving Interventions in Resolving Marital Conflict.” Journal of Consulting & Clinical Psychology, 53, 175-184.(EFT, CBT, and controls tested.)

Johnson, S.M., Burgess Moser, M., Beckes, L., Smith, A., Dalgleish, T., Halchuk, R., Hasselmo, K., Greenman, P.S., Merali, Z. & Coan, J.A. (2013). “Soothing the threatened brain: Leveraging contact comfort with Emotionally Focused Therapy.” PLOS ONE, 8(11): e79314.