Originally published November 14, 2017
Rewritten February 7, 2025
Becoming a parent is one of life’s most profound transformations – a journey that reshapes not just your daily routines but the very foundation of your relationship with your partner. While the arrival of a baby brings immeasurable joy, it also introduces new challenges that can test even the strongest partnerships. Yet research shows that this transition, though complex, doesn’t have to strain your relationship. In fact, with the right preparation, understanding, and support, many couples find that parenthood deepens their connection in unexpected ways. This guide explores what science tells us about navigating this pivotal life change, offering insights that can help you and your partner build an even stronger foundation as you step into your new roles as parents.
Understanding the Journey
Having a baby changes your relationship in deep ways. Researchers have found, “The transition to parenthood is an exciting, albeit stressful time as parents face the demanding tasks of providing care for an infant and establishing family dynamics.”¹ Here’s the good news: Most couples handle this change well. About 90% of couples keep a strong relationship after welcoming their baby.²
Early Signs That Matter
How you feel about your relationship before the baby comes makes a big difference. Research shows, “Rather than being an unforeseen crisis for otherwise happily expecting couples, negative changes in relationship satisfaction during the transition to parenthood primarily occur in couples where one or both partners already experience low relationship satisfaction.”³
The first 10 months after birth are crucial. During this time, “The period following childbirth, while universally demanding and stressful, may exacerbate stress, conflict, and dissatisfaction among couples who started out low on relationship satisfaction.”⁴
John Gottman’s research shows that how partners treat each other, particularly when fighting and during the first year after having a baby, really matters. When new dads stay connected and involved with their partner, the mom tends to feel calmer and happier.
Here’s what the research found:
- Fighting during pregnancy often leads to a rougher time after the baby arrives
- If the relationship is shaky during pregnancy, couples tend to fight more after having the baby
- The amount of fighting matters more than how good the relationship was before
- When couples don’t handle their arguments well, it slowly damages their bond
The main takeaway is that having a baby doesn’t create new problems but tends to make existing relationship issues bigger and more obvious. That’s why it’s so important to work on your relationship before the baby comes.
Think of it this way: Having a baby adds pressure to your relationship. If there are already cracks, that pressure can make them bigger. But if you have a strong foundation, you’re better equipped to handle the challenges of being new parents together.
When Partners Have Doubts
Feeling unsure about becoming a parent is more common than you might think. Studies show that partners who have doubts often struggle more with the transition. “Nonpregnant partners who doubt the wish for the child may be more susceptible to feelings of resentment within the couple relationship as the baby arrives.”⁵
Fathers who were in doubt about wanting to be parents are at greater risk
Having doubts about your relationship during pregnancy is a stronger warning sign than whether the pregnancy was planned or not. Fathers in doubt were 27 times more likely to end up in the “low and large decline” group – meaning their relationship satisfaction dropped significantly after the baby arrived.
The main message is clear: If you’re having doubts about wanting to be a parent, it’s really important to address these feelings early – both for your relationship and your future family.
The research found these fathers often experienced:
- A sharp drop in relationship satisfaction in the first 10 months after birth.
- While other couples saw small changes, these partners showed a much bigger decline.
A revealing quote from the study explains: “Nonpregnant partners, who doubts the wish for the child, may be more susceptible to feelings of resentment within the couple relationship as the baby arrives.”
Common challenges for uncertain partners include:
- Feeling trapped by the life change
- Struggling to adjust to their new role
- Having more conflicts with their partner
- Feeling disconnected from their partner
- Finding it hard to balance old and new responsibilities
The Importance of Self-Confidence
Something that surprises many people: Being confident before having a baby doesn’t always make things easier. Research shows that “Even confident people struggle with new parenthood – and that’s completely normal.”⁶ In fact, people who felt very sure about becoming parents sometimes have a harder time adjusting because the reality catches them off guard.
The Power of Empathy
Supporting each other makes a huge difference. Studies found that “When men expressed empathy during conflict prenatally, women experienced a smaller decrease in relationship satisfaction as their perceived stress increased.”⁷ This was especially true during stressful times. Higher stress levels led to lower relationship satisfaction for both partners. A man’s empathy can be a powerful tool for supporting each other during the transition to parenthood.
An interesting discovery showed that “Men in our sample were actually significantly more empathic than women… It may be that men on average tend to increase their use of empathy during the prenatal period as a means to provide support to partners who are carrying a child.”⁸
Breaking Free from Old Parent Roles
Old ideas about moms being “natural parents” can create problems for both parents. Here’s what happens: When dads believe that moms are naturally better at parenting, they often step back and don’t try as much. “When fathers endorsed beliefs that mothers are inherently better caretakers, they tended to demonstrate lower parenting self-efficacy.”⁹
This creates a cycle that’s hard to break. When dads think they’re not as good at parenting, they:
- Take shorter parental leave
- Feel more stressed about being a parent
- Miss out on bonding time with their baby
- Leave more work for their partner
Research brings good news: “When fathers in dual-income households hold more egalitarian beliefs about gender roles, they tend to be more involved with parenting tasks compared to those with more inflexible gender roles.”¹⁰ In other words, when dads believe they can be just as good at parenting as moms, they get more involved and become better parents.
The key is breaking this cycle early. When partners share the care equally from the start:
- Both parents build confidence faster
- The baby bonds well with both parents
- Neither parent feels overwhelmed
- Both parents feel more satisfied with parenting
But here’s the interesting part: During the first three months of having a baby, both things happen at once – more traditional dads may still think moms are essential, BUT they also start feeling more confident in their own parenting. This shows that actually doing the parenting work helps build confidence, even if old beliefs take longer to change.
This is a key finding because it shows that breaking down traditional gender roles isn’t just about equality – it directly affects how confident and involved fathers feel in caring for their children. “When fathers feel more confident in their parenting, they tend to feel more satisfied and less stressed about their role as a parent.”¹¹ This confidence grows from actually doing the work of parenting, not just watching from the sidelines.
What Affects Your Relationship Most
Several things can make this time harder or easier:
- Working overtime or night shifts
- How happy you are with your career
- How well your baby sleeps
- The support you have from family and friends
- How close you felt as a couple before the baby
Research confirms that “When fathers feel more confident in their parenting, they tend to feel more satisfied and less stressed about their role as a parent.”¹¹
Getting Help Early Matters
About half of expecting couples see their relationship satisfaction drop somewhat, while others stay happy or even grow closer.¹² What makes the difference? Often, it’s about expectations and support.
Some couples do especially well. About 19% say they’re even happier after having a baby.¹³ The key seems to be having realistic expectations and good support from the start.
Looking Forward
Transitioning into parenthood doesn’t guarantee a drop in marital satisfaction. But it does demand new skills, teamwork, and empathy. Through a wider lens, we see that becoming parents often bring out patterns that were already there in your relationship. As researchers note about empathetic expectant fathers, “It may be that empathy during conflict is not important in every circumstance, but that it becomes more crucial in the context of high stress levels.”¹⁴
The most important thing to remember? Getting help early makes a big difference. You don’t have to figure everything out alone.
Footnotes
¹ Zegarac et al. (2024). Transition to Parenthood, p. 2415.
² Fentz et al. (2024). Ready for the Transition to Parenthood? Journal of Family Psychology, p. 8.
³ Fentz et al. (2024), p. 9.
⁴ Twenge et al. (2003), as cited in Fentz et al. (2024), p. 8.
⁵ Fentz et al. (2024), p. 10.
⁶ Chen et al. (2020), p. 15.
⁷ Spargo & Woodin (2024). Partner Empathy as a Buffer to Stress, p. 7.
⁸ Spargo & Woodin (2024), p. 8.
⁹ Zegarac et al. (2024), p. 2417.
¹⁰ Zegarac et al. (2024), p. 2417.
¹¹ Zegarac et al. (2024), p. 2416.
¹² Kluwer (2010). From Partnership to Parenthood, p. 89.
¹³ Kluwer (2010), p. 90.
¹⁴ Spargo & Woodin (2024), p. 9.
References
Chen, E., Tung, E.& Enright, R. (2020). Pre-parenthood Sense of Self and the Adjustment to the Transition to Parenthood: Sense of self and the transition to parenthood. Journal of Marriage and Family. 83. 10.1111/jomf.12709.
Fentz, Hanne & Houmark, Mikkel & Simonsen, Marianne & Trillingsgaard, Tea. (2024). Ready for the Transition to Parenthood? Predicting Relationship Satisfaction Trajectories From Prenatal Indicators of Low Readiness. Journal of Family Psychology. 10.1037/fam0001277.
Kluwer, E. S. (2010). From partnership to parenthood: A review of marital change across the transition to parenthood Journal of Family Theory & Review.
Spargo, Emily & Woodin, Erica. (2024). Partner Empathy as a Buffer to Stress Across the Transition to Parenthood in Cross-Sex Couples. Couple and Family Psychology: Research and Practice. 10.1037/cfp0000262.
Zegarac, M., Shaffer, A., Rodriguez, V., La Barrie, D. & Brown, G. (2024). Paternal Perceptions of Maternal Essentialism and Parenting Self-efficacy During the Transition to Parenthood: An Exploratory Study. Journal of Child and Family Studies. 33. 1-10. 10.1007/s10826-024-02872-5.
