How to Find a Couples Therapist Who Can Help You (when even a therapist can’t!)

Finding a good couples therapist is not as simple as typing “marriage counseling near me” into Google. You need to know what to look for first. Couples therapy is effective in helping troubled marriages.^1,2,3,4,5 But only in the right hands.

Here’s something shocking: 81% of therapists say they offer marriage counseling, but only 12% have the proper training to work with couples. That’s a huge gap! This guide will help you find someone who really knows how to help your relationship.

What’s the Difference Between Types of Marriage Counselors?

If you want to find a couples therapist, you’ll come across different terms like couples therapy, marriage counseling, and relationship counseling. The truth is, these all mean basically the same thing. The term used often depends on where you live.

In Texas, people usually say “marriage counseling.” In New York or California, they prefer “couples therapy.” Europeans often call it “relationship therapy.” Don’t worry about the name – focus on finding someone qualified.

Any good therapist should have a graduate degree in mental health. They might be:

• A clinical social worker (LCSW)
• A marriage and family therapist (LMFT)
• A mental health counselor (LMHC)
• A psychologist (Psy.D. or Ph.D.)
• A psychiatrist (M.D.)

Watch out: Many people think a Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT) is automatically the best choice. But most LMFT programs only include one or two basic courses on working with couples. The title of their degree alone doesn’t guarantee they know how to help your marriage.

Why Your Therapist’s Attitude Matters

Here’s something troubling: 63% of marriage therapists say they’re “neutral” about whether couples stay together or divorce. This doesn’t help if you want to save your marriage.

Finding a Therapist Who Wants to Save Marriages

To find someone who will help you stay together, ask these simple questions:

1. “How important is it to you to help couples stay together when they have problems?”
2. “When do you usually suggest divorce as an option?”
3. “What percentage of your couples choose to stay together after working with you?”

A good marriage counselor won’t rush to suggest divorce. They should focus on teaching you new relationship skills instead.

Research by Dr. John Gottman shows that many couples start therapy feeling hopeless. But with the right help, this can change quickly – almost like flipping a light switch.

Red flag: Be careful with therapists who suggest “trial separations” right away. Research shows 75% of couples who separate end up divorcing. While separation may be needed in cases of abuse, it’s rarely a good first step for healing your relationship.

Why You Need a Specialist

Helping couples requires completely different skills than helping individuals. It’s like the difference between a family doctor and a heart surgeon.

Most therapists mainly work with individuals. When they say they also work with couples, they often lack the special training needed to handle two people with different views of the same relationship and taking sides isn’t an option. They also need to know how to control the tension and anger in the room when it’s present.

To find a true couples specialist, look for someone who:

1. Has taken extra training specifically in couples therapy
2. Works mainly with couples, not individuals
3. Has certification in methods proven to help couples
4. Can show you real results from their work with other couples

Even if a therapist has worked with individuals for decades, they may not know how to help a couple. Finding the right person for your specific issues matters too. For example:

• For blended family problems, find someone who knows about child development
• For addiction issues, look for someone with substance abuse training
• For sexual difficulties, seek a certified sex therapist
• For healing after affairs, choose someone with infidelity recovery experience

About Insurance Coverage

Many good couples therapists don’t take insurance. This is because insurance companies usually don’t cover relationship issues unless one person has a mental health diagnosis.

Good therapists avoid labeling one partner as “the problem.” They understand that relationship issues involve both people. You may need to pay directly for quality help, but it’s worth it. The emotional and financial cost of divorce is much higher than therapy.

Two-thirds of marriage counselors are “neutral” on divorce.

How Much of Their Time Should Be Spent with Couples?

Ask this key question: “What percentage of your weekly clients are couples?”

The answer should be at least 50%. Someone who works with couples every day will develop:

• Better skills for handling relationship issues
• More experience with common patterns
• Practice keeping both partners engaged and heard
• Deeper understanding of how relationships work

Working with a couple is very different from working with one person. Your therapist needs lots of practice doing this specific kind of work.

Which Professional Groups Should They Join?

Good therapists join professional groups that match their specialty. Look for membership in the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapists AAMFT , which means:

• They’ve been supervised by experienced marriage counselors
• They’ve completed special courses in family therapy
• They follow strict ethical rules for relationship work
• They keep learning new skills for helping couples

AAMFT members must meet high standards and follow the strictest ethics code in the profession. This shows they’re serious about helping couples.

Finding Help for Sexual Issues

If sexual problems are part of your relationship struggles, you need a therapist with special training in this area. Most marriage counselors get very little education about sexual issues.

Look for therapists certified by the American Association for Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists (AASECT). This certification means they have:

• Extensive training in sexual health
• Supervised experience with sexual issues
• Strict ethical guidelines for this sensitive work
• Ongoing education in this field

Ask directly: “What formal training do you have in sex therapy?” and “Are you AASECT certified?”

Therapy Methods That Actually Work

Look for therapists trained in methods that have been scientifically tested. These approaches have been proven to create real, lasting change.

The two best methods are:

1. The Gottman Method (by Drs. John and Julie Gottman)

• Based on 40+ years of research with thousands of couples
• Focuses on building friendship, managing conflict, and creating shared meaning
• Gives you practical tools to improve your relationship

2. Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT)

• Developed by Drs. Susan Johnson and Les Greenberg
• Focuses on emotional connection and attachment
• Has a 70-90% success rate for helping distressed couples

Ask potential therapists:

• “What proven couples therapy methods are you trained in?”
• “Are you certified in the Gottman Method or EFT?”
• “How do you use these approaches to help couples?”

The best therapists can clearly explain how they work and have training in multiple methods. This gives them more tools to help your specific situation.

Why does this matter? Because these methods work. Couples who get these treatments do much better than those who just talk about their problems without a structured approach.

Where to Look for a Good Therapist

Now that you know what to look for, here’s where to start your search. Instead of a general internet search, use these specialized directories:

1. National Registry of Marriage-Friendly Therapists
   • Therapists signing up committed to saving marriages when possible
   • Screens for proper training

2. The Gottman Institute Referral Directory

3. The International Centre for Excellence in Emotionally-Focused Therapy (ICEEFT) Find therapists trained in EFT

• Shows therapists trained in the highly respected EFT
• Shows their certification level

4. The American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists (AAMFT) Therapist Locator

5. The American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists (AASECT)

• For finding certified sex therapists
• Helpful if sexual issues are part of your problems
• These directories are much better than general searches because they list therapists who have proven their commitment to helping couples.

Finding the Right Therapist Takes Some Work

Finding a good couples therapist takes more effort than finding a regular therapist. But this effort pays off in better results for your relationship.

Remember these key points:

1. Look for someone with special training in couples therapy
2. Make sure at least half their practice is working with couples
3. Check if they belong to professional groups for couples therapists
4. Find someone who believes in saving marriages
5. Use specialty directories instead of general searches

A skilled therapist can help you communicate better, feel more connected, and solve problems as a team. Don’t settle for someone who mainly works with individuals but “also sees couples.” Your relationship deserves a true specialist.

Questions to Ask When Interviewing Therapists

When talking to potential therapists, ask these questions:

1. “What percentage of your clients are couples?”
2. “What specific training do you have in couples therapy methods?”
3. “Are you certified in the Gottman Method or Emotionally Focused Therapy? Where did you get that training?”
4. “How important is it to you to help marriages stay together?”
5. “Which professional organizations for couples therapy do you belong to?”
6. “How do you handle it when one person wants to separate but the other wants to save the relationship?”
7. “How many couples have you helped improve their relationships?”

The answers will tell you if the therapist has the right training, experience, and approach to help your relationship.

Finding a good couples therapist is an investment in your future together. Taking time to find the right person now can save you years of unhappiness and help you build a stronger, happier relationship.

You may find an overwhelming number of marriage counselors in your area listed, or they may be scarce. Moreover, all may have different titles, describe different approaches, or have different training. While scheduling a session with the most local couples therapist is tempting, reconsider. It might be better to travel for longer therapy sessions less often. You could also attend a couples therapy retreat or work online if you find a skilled therapist.

At Couples Therapy Inc., we’re specialists in intimate relationships

We work intensively helping couples from across the USA.

Our marriage counselors and sex therapists receive training in at least two approaches to couples therapy. One of these approaches must be evidence-based.

They are active in their professional organizations related to marriage counseling or sex therapy. They are highly skilled professionals who are here to help you function more effectively in your relationship. And they have certifications to demonstrate their competence.

References

1. Bradbury TN, Bodenmann G. Interventions for Couples. Annu Rev Clin Psychol. 2020 May 7;16:99-123. doi: 10.1146/annurev-clinpsy-071519-020546. Epub 2020 Feb 7. PMID: 32031866.

2. Doss, B. D. , Roddy, M. K. , Wiebe, S. A. , & Johnson, S. M. (2022). A review of the research during 2010–2019 on evidence‐based treatments for couple relationship distress. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 48(1), 283–306. 10.1111/jmft.12552

3. Lebow, J. L. , Chambers, A. L. , Christensen, A. , & Johnson, S. M. (2012). Research on the treatment of couple distress. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 38(1), 145–168. 10.1111/j.1752-0606.2011.00249.x 

4. Roddy, M. K. , Walsh, L. M. , Rothman, K. , Hatch, S. G. , & Doss, B. D. (2020). Meta‐analysis of couple therapy: Effects across outcomes, designs, timeframes, and other moderators. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 88(7), 583–596. 10.1037/ccp0000514

4. Shadish, W. R. , & Baldwin, S. A. (2003). Meta‐analysis of MFT interventions. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 29(4), 547–570. 10.1111/j.1752-0606.2003.tb01694.x