You’ve just discovered their affair

Discovering your partner’s infidelity can shatter your world in an instant. The flood of emotions—shock, betrayal, anger, and profound grief—can be overwhelming. During this critical time, the actions you take and the support you seek will significantly impact both your personal healing journey and the future of your relationship.

While there is no perfect roadmap through this painful territory, the following guidance from relationship experts can help you navigate these turbulent waters with greater stability and self-compassion.

You’ve just discovered their affair.

Now what?

Affair recovery is a huge part of our work here at CTI. And the first step in recovery is dealing with the shock, pain, and uncertainty that the hurt partner experiences.

While not all Hurt Partners are the same, there are predictable inflection points just after the truth of their deception has come to light that may needlessly deepen and exacerbate the pain and suffering of the hurt partner.

Because after you’ve learned they’ve been unfaithful, self-care is paramount, we asked Certified Sex Therapist and Gottman Couples therapist Angela Voegele what hurt partners should focus on immediately after discovering an affair.

Best practices after you’ve just discovered their affair

Here are 13 best practices from Angela when you’ve just discovered their affair:

1. Don’t make any big decisions in the beginning while you are emotionally flooded.

You are in crisis mode, things seem more permanent and unfixable while one is overwhelmed. Take space and breathe, but don’t decide anything concrete yet.

2. Keep safe.

Do what you need to do to stay safe and feel safe. Ask for help, reach out, seek individual therapy—whatever is needed for you to stay safe and… breathe. Take one day at a time.

3. Practice Self-Compassion.

Practice grace, kindness, and mercy with… yourself. Recognize how your harmful thoughts impact you.

4. Take Some Time for Self-care 

…like meditation, deep breathing, longer baths, walks, singing to loud music… whatever works for you.

5. If You Want to Ask Your Partner Questions

(which is very normal), ask yourself :

Will I feel better or worse after having asked them? If not… don’t ask just yet.

I know this is easier said than done. But the wrong question can install a trigger in your nervous system that will now require ongoing management.

Here are 20 Essential Questions to Ask Your Unfaithful Spouse to get you started.

6. Are You Seeking Meaning or Facts?

Another important question to ask yourself after you’ve come across proof of their betrayal is whether your critical issues are seeking meaning or facts? Pursue meaning whenever possible (meaning questions are “What did the affair mean to you?” vs. fact questions “how many times did you have sex…and what kind of sex did you have?”).

Facts can often distract us from our core feelings and meanings and may also intensify other haunting, intrusive thoughts by installing unnecessary vivid images in our already stressed-out brains.

7. Manage Your Triggers

Learn about what triggers are. Learn how to stop repetitive, intrusive thoughts. Maybe you could start a journal. Or ask your individual therapist if you can write them down instead – thereby maintaining a safe place to “bookmark” these questions should you both decide to enter Affair Recovery Couples Therapy in the near future.

8. Choose Who You Tell Wisely

After you’ve discovered their affair, who are you going to tell?

If you want to talk to someone other than your therapist about the relationship, choose someone you really trust. Don’t talk to too many people.

If you tell your siblings, parents, or friends, consider what happens to those relationships should you succeed in repairing your marriage. Now, your contrite spouse will have all these additional broken relationships to deal with, while at the same time, they should focus primarily on your needs.

Remember, whoever you choose to talk to after you’ve discovered their affair will highly likely be biased to some degree. But if they are a close friend or family member, they will also be furious with your partner for hurting you.

The more people you tell, the more people you’d have to handle when you both decide to work on your marriage. Facing infidelity is hard work as it is; having your support system cheering you on to divorce your partner makes it even harder.

Remember, affair recovery takes courage! It can feel shameful when trust has been broken.

But nobody can fix your feelings right now. But good couples therapy can help your partner share those feelings with you and lighten your load.

9. Invite Your Best Self to Show Up

Relationships are not, “and they lived happily ever after.” Affair recovery requires daily dedication and commitment, sacrifice, and hard work. Fixing what’s broken also takes tremendous courage, strength, and compassion.

Affair recovery also requires an immediate shift in your stance toward your partner, at least until their motivation to repair the marriage has been confirmed by unambiguous, specific, concrete actions, such as ending the affair, being completely and utterly transparent with phone and computer passwords, accepting full responsibility and entering science-based couples therapy with you.

10. It’s OK to Feel Confused

You don’t need to know how to fix things, but it can seem impossible. It’s not your job to know how to fix it; that’s where couples therapy comes in. Your couples therapist works within your mutual presence and consent. The issue of boundaries and bottom lines is often helpfully explored beforehand with an individual therapist if needed. The bottom lines for Hurt Partners are essential for affair recovery.

11. Breathe.

I’ve said it before. Breathing deeply is not emphasized enough in affair recovery. It provides more oxygen to your brain, which really helps you physiologically calm down. It also allows one to become more involved in the now instead of glued to what was or what was supposed to be. When overwhelmed, urgency can take precedence. No big decisions should be made while you are emotionally flooded.

12. Find Individual Therapy for Yourself

Consider getting an individual therapist for yourself, particularly if your spouse is resistant to entering couples therapy. You may need some extra, unbiased, professional support. Be careful who you choose, though—make sure they are pro-marriage, regardless of what you and your partner decide to do.

I can’t tell you how many clients told me that their individual therapist was pro-divorce because of their own counter-transference.

It’s OK to talk to a friend. But choose wisely.

Some friends have issues in their own marriages and will project their anxieties onto yours. They may unconsciously urge you to act out their own revenge fantasies against their partners.

13. Don’t Stifle Your Tears

Crying is good science.

It’s okay to cry. Cry. Crying cleans out neuro-toxins from your brain. Make time to cry if you have kids and work and feel like you won’t have time but cry.

It’s like a shower for the inside, allowing you to clean out some cobwebs and painful emotions.

14. Have Firm Boundaries

Lastly, if you have children, have firm boundaries. This is particularly true for older couples with adult children who are too often treated as peers. Don’t require them to take sides. Keep your adult kids out of it.

Please be careful not to over-share or villainize their mom or dad. New research tells us that adult children have their own often ignored issues and concerns when their parents are in an acute crisis.

No matter how devastated and angry you are, young children do not have the cognitive capacity (or emotional understanding) to make sense of it. The misfortune of being a Hurt Partner does not give you the moral authority to triangulate with your children…no matter what their age.

After you’ve discovered their affair…

Can you rebuild a stronger marriage?

While it is certainly not true for every couple, some couples emerge from an affair stronger than before. Research tells us that many couples in the affair recovery process often report having more frequent and intimate sex, better conversations, and a renewed appreciation for their marriage.

After you’ve learned they’ve been unfaithful, don’t let this crisis go to waste.

Get science-based couples therapy and have a full and frank assessment of why and how you were vulnerable.

And then take action to rebuild a deeper and more intimate bond.

This positive outcome is made easier if hurt partners take care of themselves early on. By engaging in extreme self-care, they can build a firm foundation for your future recovery.

What you do in the first few days or even hours after discovering their affair truly matters.

Conclusion

Remember that healing from infidelity is not a linear process. There will be good and difficult days as you navigate this challenging terrain. Whether you choose to rebuild your relationship or move forward separately, prioritizing your own well-being is essential. The path through betrayal trauma is deeply personal, and there is no “right” timeline for healing.

By implementing these strategies in the aftermath of discovery, you’re taking the first courageous steps toward reclaiming your emotional stability and preparing yourself for whatever path you ultimately choose. With proper support, time, and care, you can emerge from this painful experience with greater wisdom, strength, and clarity about your needs and boundaries in relationships.

Heal From the Affair When You’re Ready

Originally published December 29, 2018