Wife Wants Tips to Control Her Husband’s Angry Outbursts

Dear Worried About Outbursts,

Three times a year might not sound like much on paper. But when it’s your husband yelling at you for making a mistake? That’s three times too many.

What struck me in your letter was the phrase “if I make a mistake.” Mistakes are human. We all make them. They’re not invitations for verbal aggression.

Yelling can be a form of emotional dysregulation or it can be an attempt to exercise control. Or both. When adults yell at other adults, they’re essentially saying: “My feelings are too big for me to handle in a mature way right now.” Or “You are my whipping boy for all the frustrations I’m carrying around from day-to-day.” Or “You better get back in line and do what I need you to do or this is the result.”

Here’s the crucial distinction you need to consider: Does your husband yell at his boss when corrected? Does he shout at colleagues who make errors? Does he scream at incompetent wait staff? Or is this behavior reserved just for you?

If he yells at everyone, he’s what we call a “jerk” in the biz. He has no manners and is embarrassing to be around.

When someone can control their temper everywhere except at home, that’s not an impulse control problem. That’s a choice.

When It Is Dysregulation Called “Flooding”

During these episodes, your husband may be experiencing what therapists call “emotional flooding” – a state where emotions become so intense that rational thinking shuts down. The body goes into fight-or-flight mode, heart rate increases, and the ability to listen and respond thoughtfully disappears. But in his study of abusive relationships, Gottman found that not all men who demonstrate anger become flooded. Some get very calm. These people he calls “Cobras” and they are deadly.

But here’s the critical part: While flooding explains the physiological response, it doesn’t excuse the behavior. Everyone experiences emotional flooding at times, but mature adults develop ways to recognize and manage it without harmful outbursts.

When the yelling starts, science-based couples therapists suggest that one or both say, “I think you’re/I’m flooded, and I’m going to take a break.” Then, both separate for at least 20-30 minutes and calm down.

But you aren’t a dog or a child who needs to be corrected for bad behavior. And even dogs and children don’t learn much from being screamed at except to avoid the person yelling. No, you are his wife, and if he wants your love and respect, he needs to learn to walk away. No matter what you’ve done, his response can’t be yelling.

Women like to think that we can find a magic tip that will transform bad behavior into better or even good behavior. The truth is, each of us can only control ourselves. My tip to you is to leave the room and do something that makes you feel better about just having been yelled at. Take yourself out to dinner. Get a massage. Go for a drive. Take a walk and call a girlfriend.

Before you leave, tell him, “You’re flooded and I’m going to take a break.”

If that seems like a scary thing to do when he gets hot, that’s telling you that you’re in an abusive relationship. If he stops you from leaving, he’s just told you everything you need to know.

Three Times Is All It Takes

You mentioned these episodes happen “maybe 3 times a year” as if that frequency might make it acceptable. But think about it – that’s all it takes for the fear to become constant.

Between those three incidents are countless moments where you’re analyzing your words, second-guessing your actions, and trying to prevent the next explosion. The actual yelling might be rare, but the walking on eggshells becomes daily.

I once worked with a woman who told me, “He only loses his temper occasionally.” Yet when we unpacked her daily life, she revealed elaborate systems she’d created to avoid “setting him off.” She was living in a constant state of prevention.

That’s how the math of intimidation works. Three explosive episodes a year equals 362 days of carefully managing another adult’s emotions.

Your husband has learned that yelling at you carries minimal consequences. The pattern continues because, on some level, it works for him.

What you’re describing creates a power imbalance that erodes intimacy and trust. Over time, these episodes, however infrequent, can damage your sense of safety and self-worth.

You deserve a relationship where you’re treated with consistent respect. Not most of the time—all of the time.

He’s the one who needs to change. Tips won’t help him to change. He needs to learn what his marriage means to him or he’s going to lose it. You’ve had too much, and that’s not surprising.

If you haven’t already, consider individual counseling. Not couples therapy yet—just a space for you to explore your feelings and options with someone who can offer perspective unclouded by fear or habit.

Thanks for writing.