The discovery of an affair hits like a thunderbolt. In an instant, your world turns upside down. If you’re reading this, you’re likely grappling with overwhelming emotions and countless questions.

Am I a fool if I’m WANTING to survive an affair instead of ending the marriage right away? Does an extramarital affair mean our marriage is fatally flawed? Can we ever truly rebuild trust? Will the pain ever stop?

The reality is that affairs are simultaneously condemned and glamorized in our culture, leaving couples who want to rebuild feeling confused and isolated.

What many don’t realize is that relationships can survive – and sometimes even grow stronger – after an affair. While the path isn’t easy, thousands of couples have successfully navigated this journey before you.

Surviving an affair takes guts. Commitment. Raw honesty. Vulnerability.

The marriage you had before the affair has ended. But ending doesn’t always mean death – sometimes, it means transformation. You both must ask: “Are we willing to rebuild a new one with new rules?”

Follow these 12 Guidelines if your Goal is Surviving an Affair:

1. Understanding Your Role Without Taking on Blame

Your state of mind is your most valuable and fragile ally. In the aftermath of the discovery, it’s natural to question everything – including yourself.

Do you believe you somehow created emotional distance, causing him or her to seek comfort and solace in another person? Or was this mutually created? Was sex between you non-existent? Do you blame yourself for that? Was hostility a frequent interactional pattern? Were there warning signs you missed – or couldn’t have possibly seen?

Surprisingly, many husbands and wives don’t believe any of it was their fault, and they are right. While relationships are complex systems where both partners contribute to patterns, the decision to have an affair belongs solely to the person who made that choice. Understanding this distinction is crucial for healing.

2. Realize You’re In Shock

  • This is not the time to decide whether or not to leave.
  • It’s the time to grieve for a marriage you thought you had, but didn’t.
  • Emotions are high, so make sure you keep eating, drinking, and sleeping, hard as that is.
  • Keep breathing.  Learn deep breathing techniques that will help you calm down.
  • Your nervous system is on overdrive.  You won’t be thinking clearly.  Accept this.

3.  If You’re the Partner Who’s Had the Affair:

  • The WORST thing you can do right now is lie.
  • Recognize that your spouse is pained not just by what you did but what he/she has lost:  trust in you.  If you can’t accept that you’ve lost their trust, you will not be surviving an affair.
  • The only one who hopes this will pass quickly is YOU.  It will not.  Patience and tolerance are your watchwords if your goal is surviving an affair.

Honestly is your most powerful weapon.

4. Why is Honesty So Important In Surviving an Affair?

The answer is simple:  At this point, there is no reason to trust someone who has had an extramarital affair in secret.

If you are asking:  “Why can’t you just trust me?” the answer should be obvious.  You lied.  Repeatedly.  If not directly, implicitly.  We define lying as: “Withholding information you know your partner would want to know.”

Accept that you lied.  Now the question is: “Will you stop?”  “Will you justify further lies with the excuse: ‘He/She wouldn’t be able to take it…They would leave me…I don’t want to upset them any more…”  Holding on to these justifications for lying is only going to lead to more lies.  If you want to survive this affair, the time for lies is over.

The first rule is the honesty one.

From this point forward, anything you say CAN and WILL be held against you.

You have put yourself into an “untrustworthy” category.  You can sink deeper, open up, share from your heart, and explain what happened to the best of your abilities.  Demonstrating your honesty, regardless of how costly, earns back trust, little by little.

5.  Surviving an Affair Takes Time

Sometimes more time than either spouse is willing to give it.  But getting through the pain of an affair also takes flexibility and openness when those around you may be shouting:  “Off With Their Heads!” You will need to learn to deal with repetitive, intrusive thoughts and triggers.

6. This is NOT the Time to Listen to Friends/family.

Imagine yourself 5 years into the future when you’ve both done the hard work of surviving this affair.  Can you imagine the negative things you’re hearing now from those you wanted support from?  Someone who was quick to make your spouse the villain and you the innocent party?

7. Seek out a Neutral Third Party.

Notice the person you’ve chosen to confide in.

  • Is this someone who is supportive not only of you but of your marriage as well?
  • Is this a friend or relative who has consistently warned you about marrying “that person”?
  • Is this a forgiving person who may move on in their relationship with you and your spouse when you’ve survived the affair? Or will they hold a grudge against the offending party?

Consider the answers to these questions and just know, consciously, what you’re getting yourself into.

8. Why Can She/He Just Accept My Apology?

If you are sincerely asking that, you haven’t done the hard work of looking at your own actions.

Your spouse is in shock.

The person they thought they knew is dead to them.

They are unlikely to be able to fully grasp what happened and are unlikely to hear much of what you say as you start to explain it.  Saying: “I’m sorry.” is one thing.  Saying: “I’m sorry, so why don’t you just get over it?” is another.

It may take months for them to pull themselves together and calm down.

9. Consider The Seven Year Rule

The “Seven Year Rule in Marriage” states that any violation, no matter how severe, must be forgiven or at least not talked about anymore after seven years. If you and your spouse embrace the Seven-Year Rule, you can set your calendar to that day, starting when you stop lying.

Any lie resets the calendar for another seven years.

Trust starts building or deteriorating further from the day the affair is discovered.

10. Trust Goes Both Ways

Surviving an affair needs both partner’s full commitment and involvement.  One betrayal doesn’t justify another.  How the betrayed spouse acts from here on out must also be trustworthy and honorable.

11. Forget What You See On TV

This is not a time for drama.  Take a weekend vacation if you need a break to calm down and get perspective.  Don’t announce:  “I’m moving out!”

I know how tough this is, but maintaining your dignity right now is vital. Don’t let it turn into a mud-slinging fest or something your friends tune into to get the latest news.

12.  Is the Damage Done? Or Is It Ongoing?

The emotional connection should be finished if you’ll both be surviving an affair.

If you think you need to “just finish things between us” with your affair partner by talking or visiting one more time, ask where your loyalties lie. If you plan to do it secretly, you’re digging that betrayal hole deeper.  See #4.

Many partners grieve the loss of intimacy they had with their affair partner, but distance from them is the order of the day.  Be upfront about any contact you have with your affair partner, even if they contact you without your encouragement.  If you must contact them, tell your spouse you’ll be writing an email, and let your spouse see it before you email it.

If you aren’t ready to end your affair, at least put it on hold until you can decide whether your marriage is over.  Be upfront with your spouse that you aren’t sure you can stay in the marriage.  Your honesty is vital.

You May Be Pessimistic Because You Don’t Know the Couples Who Have Survived an Affair.

We do.

We work with them every day.

It is a fact, according to one research study, that 33% of the general public believe their marriage could survive an affair, while 94% of marriage counselors believe that.  33% vs. 94%!

Why?

Because every day, marriage counselors see that turnaround.

You’re most likely to hear about the divorces. Right?  The ones that didn’t work out?

Would you imagine your friends sharing the good news that while their spouse was unfaithful, they’ve worked through it?

Few do.

However, many couples survive an affair with the help of a trained marriage counselor.  Choose your marriage counselor carefully.

Don’t go to a generalist therapist who does marriage counseling part-time, over a 50-minute hour.

No, seek out an expert.  Be aware that if your partner has had the affair, you’re going to be beside yourself for quite a while.

  • Hurt.
  • Betrayed.
  • Confused.
  • Lonely.
  • One minute, turning to him or her for comfort; the next minute, being furious at them.

All this is normal. If you doubt it, ask a couples therapist.