What Studies Uncover about Separation in Relationships

One pressing question among couples revolves around the idea of a "therapeutic separation" or any set "rules" for separated partners. Many inquire, "Is there a chance to salvage my marriage post-separation?"

However, the concept of a "therapeutic separation" carries substantial risk. One study disclosed that nearly 80% of separated couples eventually end in divorce. An earlier study reported a staggering divorce rate of up to 96% among separated couples.

The Time-sensitive Nature of Reconciliation

When it comes to reconciling marriages post-separation, timing is critical. Research shows that the likelihood of reconciliation significantly diminishes after approximately 24 months. On average, separations last about a year, and those couples who do reunite often do so within the first two years.

Following this crucial two-year phase, the prospect of reconciliation sharply declines. Studies indicate that once a couple has been apart for more than two years, the probability of divorce markedly increases. Most divorces among these couples occur within the initial three years of living separately.

The Complexities of Prolonged Separation

While most couples experience a time-sensitive decline in the possibility of reconciliation, some face more intricate challenges. A few couples, often dealing with economic complexities, might continue living apart for a decade or longer. For them, the choice might evolve into a lifestyle of permanent or semi-permanent separation, steering neither toward divorce nor reconciliation.

Navigating Marriage After Separation: Finding a Path Forward

Understanding marital separation reveals a critical truth, except in cases of domestic violence: advocating for couples to live apart for therapeutic reasons is riddled with complications.

Many ponder if residing separately is a wise choice. The challenge with this DIY separation approach lies in how it fosters an adjustment to solitary living. While it may provide a temporary sense of calm, couples often drift apart without addressing underlying issues.

A serene environment might create the illusion of contentment, but it rarely prompts individuals to reflect on their part in the marriage's breakdown. Consequently, reconciliation post-separation becomes an even more arduous path.

The cultural embrace of separation before divorce has become customary, and in some regions, it's even a legal prerequisite. Yet, research contradicts this notion, showcasing that living apart is often the express route to divorce. Despite its initial calming effect, it seldom leads couples to contemplate their future together with thoughtful consideration.

Living separately may offer a semblance of ease, but it often masks the fundamental problem. Couples tend to escape discomfort rather than proactively engage in resolving issues with the aid of qualified professional guidance.

The statistics speak volumes. There's a fleeting two-year window for concerted efforts with a skilled couples therapist to mend the relationship's fabric. Amidst the abundance of self-help resources, the truth remains: when separated, the chances of being an effective couples therapist for oneself are slim.

Unfortunately, most separations are disorderly and improvised. The inclination is to flee from adversity rather than confront and address the burgeoning issues with informed support.

Is there hope for my marriage and family after separation? 

Absolutely, the decision of separation deeply impacts children within the family unit. It becomes a significant stressor that heightens their anxiety, often leading to feelings of guilt and responsibility. Older children might align themselves with one parent, nurturing a bond that can persist for life.

Kids caught between separated parents might act out in the hopes of rekindling their parents' relationship, aiming for a reconciliation.

If separation seems like a potential path, it's crucial to approach this discussion with the utmost gravity and sensitivity.

Communicate to your children that every decision made is with their best interests at heart. This involves prioritizing science-based couples therapy immediately and actively engaging in resolving underlying issues to create a healthier environment for everyone involved.

Considering the impact of marital issues on your children is crucial. Attempt to keep living apart as a final option, as witnessing ongoing conflicts is more detrimental.

Can reconciliation happen after separation? Only under mindful circumstances.

Clinical research doesn't support living apart as the primary couples therapy approach. This differs from the approach of some therapists who may advocate separation as a "settling down" tool.

However, at CTI, we often assist couples already separated. Transforming an ongoing separation into a therapeutic process necessitates the guidance of a science-based couples therapist.

Therapy during separation might involve individual and couples sessions. Self-study programs might maintain existing negative patterns, unlike therapy.

There is hope.Mindful, therapist-supervised separations might reduce contact, allowing each partner to experience living alone. This facilitates reflection on both positive and negative aspects of the marriage, processed during science-based couples therapy.

Rebuilding Your Marriage Post-Separation: Tips to Consider

Present Your Best Self Inside and Out

Maintain a tidy and organized space, especially if kids move between homes. It helps combat negative impressions.

Take Things Slow

Avoid rushing reconciliation. Show patience, respect, and emotional stability. Cut down on criticism and prioritize listening.

Seek Quality Couples Therapy

Identify and address core issues together. Avoid conditional discussions and be open to challenging conversations in therapy.

Collaborate on Everyday Tasks

Even when separated, cooperate on daily responsibilities. Don't let minor issues escalate into major conflicts.

Establish Clear Boundaries

Define what's acceptable and what's not for each of you. Respect each other's comfort zones and preferences.

Embrace Casual Dates

Enjoy spending quality time together, but don't push for it. Focus on showcasing your best self in various situations, whether through dates or everyday responsibilities.

Revealing a Fresh Perspective: Rekindling After Separation

Redefine Expectations Through Action

Amid negotiations during separation, demonstrate a different side of yourself subtly. Surprise your partner without drawing explicit attention to your efforts.

Embrace Change Unobtrusively

Utilize the critical two-year window by contemplating the positive aspects of your relationship. Science-based couples therapy can offer a secure space for personal growth and reflection on desired changes for yourself and the relationship.

Avenues for Self-Exploration

Therapy while living apart allows for the deliberate examination of ingrained beliefs and assumptions, fostering a deeper understanding of personal aspirations and relational dynamics.

Therapeutic Separation: A Chance for Revival

Seeking guidance from a qualified couples therapist during separation can reshape the trajectory of your relationship, preventing divorce, and nurturing a more resilient and affectionate marriage.

Conclusion: Nurturing Hope and Understanding

Amidst the tumult of separation, hope for reconciliation exists with mindful, guided therapy. Understanding the nuances of separation and embracing informed, deliberate efforts can pave the way for marital restoration.

Originally published June 2, 2018

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Dr. Kathy McMahon


Dr. Kathy McMahon (Dr. K) is a clinical psychologist and sex therapist. She is also the founder and president of Couples Therapy Inc. Dr. K feels passionate about couples therapy and sex therapy and holds a deep respect towards those who invest in making their relationship better. She is currently conducting online and in person private couples retreats.

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