Overcoming Defensiveness in Marriage: Strategies for Effective Communication

Dan and Lisa had been married for years, but their relationship was slowly being eroded by Dan's defensiveness. Whenever Lisa raised concerns or expressed her feelings, Dan would immediately become reactive, taking her words as personal attacks. Instead of listening and trying to understand her perspective, he would shut down or snap back with hurtful comments. Over time, Lisa felt increasingly unheard and disconnected from Dan, leading to a growing emotional distance between them. As Dan's reactivity continued to push Lisa away, their marriage began to crumble under the weight of unaddressed issues and unmet emotional needs.

Their story serves as a cautionary tale of how unchecked defensiveness can slowly destroy a relationship, highlighting the importance of self-awareness, open communication, and empathy in maintaining a healthy and loving partnership.

Too bad, because defensiveness is a very bad habit that can be broken with attention, patience, and practice!

Introduction

Defensiveness can be a significant hurdle in marital communication, as it prevents individuals from truly understanding their partner's perspective. To overcome this issue, couples must engage in thoughtful and structured conversations, such as Gottman's suggested weekly State of the Union Meeting.

Understanding the Importance of Focused Attention

Neuroscience indicates that maintaining focused attention during challenging discussions can be mentally exhausting. Limiting conflict-saturated conversations to 40 minutes, with each partner speaking for 20 minutes, can help prevent burnout and allow for emotional growth. Keep in mind that resolving conflicts may require multiple conversations.

Identifying Triggers and Practicing Self-Control

Take note of what triggers your defensiveness during conversations, and remind yourself that you can respond to these triggers when it's your turn to speak. Developing awareness of your triggers will help you distinguish between your own interpretations and your partner's actual words.

Fostering Love and Empathy in Communication

Frame difficult topics within the context of your love and respect for each other. View conflicts as issues that you will work through together, and recall positive memories to maintain a sense of unity. As Gottman suggests, remember that in a loving relationship, you should not ignore each other's pain but strive to understand it.

Using Deep Breathing and Self-Soothing Techniques

When you feel triggered, focus on your body's reactions and practice deep breathing to calm yourself. Identify areas of tension in your body, and consciously tense and relax those muscles. Communicate openly with your partner about your need to self-soothe, especially if they notice your struggle.

By employing these strategies, couples can overcome defensiveness in their marriage and cultivate healthier, more empathetic communication.

Managing Defensiveness in Marriage: Techniques for Emotional Awareness and Self-Soothing

Recognizing and Understanding Your Emotional Triggers

When feeling defensive, it's crucial to examine the meaning you assign to your triggers and your reactions. Rather than focusing on your own emotions, strive to listen with an open heart and consider the validity of your partner's complaint. Ask yourself why the topic is sensitive for you and what aspect of yourself you're trying to protect.

Communicating Your Feelings Without Becoming Defensive

If you're struggling with your partner's words, request that they express themselves differently. Identify your habitual communication patterns and be open about your feelings of defensiveness. Ask for clarification in a way that promotes understanding, such as, "I'm feeling defensive because of what you said. Can you please rephrase it so I can better grasp what you're telling me?"

Taking a Time-Out for Self-Soothing

If you're the listener and become triggered, you may be inclined to respond defensively or blame your partner. In these situations, it's helpful to ask for a time-out to engage in self-soothing activities. This protects your emotional brain from diffused physiological arousal (DPA) and helps you regain focus. Communicate openly about your need for a break and commit to returning to the conversation within a specific time frame.

Developing Self-Soothing Skills

Self-soothing is an essential skill for managing defensiveness. By recognizing when you're triggered and becoming defensive, you can proactively address your emotions and engage with your partner more constructively. Over time, you'll become better at handling defensiveness in a matter-of-fact manner, acknowledging it as a natural human tendency that can be managed effectively.

By understanding and managing defensiveness, couples can foster healthier communication and create a stronger emotional connection in their marriage.

Conclusion

As you navigate the challenges of defensiveness in your marriage, remember that open communication, self-awareness, and empathy are the cornerstones of a strong and resilient relationship. By recognizing and understanding your emotional triggers, you can respond to your partner's concerns with compassion and curiosity, fostering a deeper connection and mutual understanding. With practice, you'll become more adept at managing defensiveness and nurturing a healthier, more fulfilling partnership. As you continue on this journey together, embrace the opportunity to grow both individually and as a couple, strengthening your bond and building a more loving and supportive marital relationship.

Ready for a change in your relationship?

It starts with a no-obligation 15 minute phone call with our client services team.

Dr. Kathy McMahon


Dr. Kathy McMahon (Dr. K) is a clinical psychologist and sex therapist. She is also the founder and president of Couples Therapy Inc. Dr. K feels passionate about couples therapy and sex therapy and holds a deep respect towards those who invest in making their relationship better. She is currently conducting online and in person private couples retreats.

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  1. This was such an interesting read! Identifying the triggers for one’s defensiveness would solve half the problems in a marriage. It will lead to lesser altercations and in the worst cases, even violent behavior patterns. The idea is not to eradicate it completely, but convert it into one of your strengths.

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