Mate poaching spouse poaching

Spouse or Mate Poaching as a Dramatic and Risky Behavior

What is mate poaching or spouse poaching? Some see romance as a competition and successful poaching as typical human behavior. These personal relationships are no one's business but the parties involved.

Others view it as a destructive act engaged in by character-disordered people who set out to destroy families. When they target an individual, they will brazenly vie to lure them out of their existing relationship.

This is referred to as "mate poaching" (Schmitt et al., 2004; Schmitt & Buss, 2001).

While both sexes participate in mate poaching, my focus will be on female mate poachers. This is the most common type of mate poaching that clients report to us. Nevertheless, attempting to steal someone's spouse is a more precarious action than attempting to steal their mate. In certain jurisdictions, it is even deemed illegal. The concept of sexual attractiveness is worth discussing. According to evolutionary biologists, it signifies superior sperm quality and fertility (Gallup & Frederick, 2010). Attractive partners naturally draw the attention of others. A study carried out in 2004 revealed that 54% of women "snatched" their current partner from a prior relationship.

US and Australian scientists study connections formed by previously single people to understand their development and differences.

Evolutionary psychologists express concern regarding the practice of mate poaching. Studies indicate that mate poaching is a global phenomenon, prevalent in numerous countries and cultures, making it a widespread interpersonal problem. According to psychologist David Schmitt, a survey of 16,000 people found that mate poaching affects 10-15% of committed relationships.

Poaching in romantic relationships has always been with us. 

Women have always competed for Alpha males, according to evolutionary psychologist David M. Buss. Mate poaching is a prevalent tactic. In communities where attractive males are scarce, females will fiercely vie for them through poaching.

Mate poaching is common because it is a safe strategy for women carrying few risks. This is in contrast to men who directly run the risk of violence should they attempt to mate, poaching another man's wife. Nonetheless, deadly clashes among female rivals are relatively uncommon.

Not only humans exhibit mate-stealing behavior. Various species (Dawkins & Krebs, 1978; Dewaal, 1986; Trivers, 1985) and diverse human cultural groups (e.g., Schmitt et al., 2004) engage in this behavior.

Challenging, hazardous, and emotionally charged

"Poaching" another person's partner can be a complex and risky endeavor (refer to Davies et al., 2010; Schmitt & Buss, 2001). Schmitt and Buss (2001) found that the chances of experiencing rejection are higher than average.

Mate-poaching is also a high-drama endeavor. Strong feelings are in play. When someone tries to take someone else's partner, both people involved may feel very stressed or guilty.

Mate poaching may result in acts of retaliation or social disapproval (Daly & Wilson, 1989). Even though they might momentarily seize attention, the likelihood of the relationship ending is high.

What are female mate poaching tactics?

How does a mate poacher act to attract the potential partner? It typically starts with a covetous lingering gaze.

Other tactics may include:

  •  flirtation, 
  • provocative body language, or 
  • spying on the relationship through a shared friend.

Individuals who mate poach frequently attract notice by asking for assistance at work. Subsequently, they methodically develop a non-romantic bond with the person they're aiming for. 

Commonly, mate poachers subtly shift to more intimate subjects as time progresses.  They may begin asking increasingly more intimate and exploratory questions. This has been documented with workplace mate poachers (Mogilski & Wade, 2013).

Spouse poachers are frequently already involved in a relationship. They tend to mislead or trick their existing partner. Scientists say that people who try to steal a partner may show more love towards their current partner. The objective is to conceal their attempts to lure another associate and avoid suspicion.

Mate poachers in therapy

Research suggests that many mate poachers exhibit personality traits known as the Dark Triad.

These are traits include Machiavellian intelligence, narcissism, and psychopathy (Jonason et al., 2010). Workplace mate poachers have inherently unstable intimate relationships. They struggle to hold on to partners and frequently willingly allow themselves to be poached away. Studies show that many mate poachers have personality disorders like narcissism or Borderline Personality Disorder (Jonason et al., 2010).

Sunderani, Arnocky, and Vaillancourt (2013) revealed that Mate Poachers are rated as better-looking than non-poachers.

People who try to steal someone's partner often seek therapy when they feel their relationship is in trouble. Josephs (2016) states that conducting individual psychotherapy with those who poach partners is a difficult task. These clients experience distressing high drama and high risk/high reward. The therapist goes along for a very bumpy ride.

Scientists are studying why people choose untrustworthy partners despite valuing honesty and trust in long-term relationships. The answer may lay in mate poaching as an addictive reproductive strategy. It plays on the same reward centers as problem gambling (Joseph, 2016) or drug addiction.

The highs of successful seduction exist. There are also the lows when the relationship ends. Mate poaching can become a repetitive and addictive habit.

The spouse poacher's home life

The poacher is always optimistic about finding a desirable yet already committed partner. They are constantly seeking to upgrade. Studies of college partners do not indicate that a steady spouse is more successful or handsome than any other. Conversely, an individual who steals a partner could be suffering in an unhealthy relationship and softens the impact with an office-based affair.

Affairs and work environments

Josephs (2016) informs us that unfaithfulness cannot happen without a "tolerant environment." Coworkers who are willing to have sex with married coworkers maintain this permissive environment. In the co-ed work environment, mate poachers have available seducible partners.

Investigative clinical studies on mate poaching could be beneficial for Human Resources Departments. Mate poachers and their victims continuous generate social chaos in a business environment.

It's known that mate poachers are reluctant to back down when situations become complicated. They may in fact ramp up. One potential client reported that the woman mate poaching her husband reversed the table on her. The spouse poacher proclaimed all over social media that she was the wife while the real wife was the homewrecker. It caused this woman real difficulties.

Mate poachers serially harass and cyber-stalk their affair partner's wives. HR departments take the calls.

Human Resources departments urgently require thorough training to cultivate a workplace environment that is supportive of families and maintains suitable limits.

Thanks to the late Dr. Shirley Glass, there is research that can inform an HR program to prevent mate poaching in the workplace. The mate poacher is not the only one to create a permissive work environment. The environment of corporations and workplaces also contributes significantly.

Mate poachers flourish in lenient settings, hence the growing focus on the culture within workplaces. Some choose to move from one romantic relationship to another by finding a new partner at their workplace.

However, affairs outside of marriage are gradually losing their ability to shock and upset in the broader society. 

In a recent poll, 57% of women said they would lose respect for a female friend who dated a married man. Approximately 77% of females would have a lower opinion of a male friend who is engaged in an extramarital affair.

A century ago, people strongly disapproved of "adultery," but now, many people feel uncomfortable with it.

However, spouse poaching is still a riskier move than mate poaching. In some states, it is even against the law.

Nonetheless, stealing someone's spouse is a more perilous act than poaching a mate. In certain jurisdictions, it's even illegal.

Masculine privilege

Some successful men believe they are entitled to take advantage of the women working for them. However, the # MeToo movement has brought about a much-needed cultural shift. Individuals who engage in mate poaching often attract notice by asking for assistance in professional matter. Subsequently, they gradually cultivate a non-romantic companionship with their desired victim first. Poachers then gradually alter the topics of conversation as time progresses.

Confronted with monetary implications, businesses are reassessing the level of "leniency" in their corporate culture.

Organizations are currently dismissing single CEOs who participate in even consensual affairs with relationship intruders.

The prevalent cliché of the influential male and the status-symbol female aligns with research results from various cultures. Men are attracted to beauty and youth across time, and women are attracted to power and resources. Unfortunately, this stereotype has been confirmed by research.

Beauty and attractiveness

Let's discuss physical allure. They frequently display charm and attractiveness. Understandably so, their approach is to attract a high-quality partner into a relationship. Some mate poachers are overtly flirtatious, but many are more cunning than openly alluring. According to evolutionary biologists, it serves as an indicator of superior sperm quality and fertility (Gallup & Frederick, 2010). Appealing partners tend to draw others. Others are more likely to desire them (Buss, 1989; Overbeek & Engels, 2010).

Some researchers assert that mate poachers often depend on the good taste and choices other women have already made. According to these researchers, individuals who attempt to steal partners are more likely to find men in relationships attractive. This is because someone else has already chosen them.

Real success often eludes them

Men feel more emotionally involved during affairs. However, studies show that few men start new relationships with their affair partners after getting divorced. It is important to note that these relationships are also considered to be highly risky. 

A survey of 4,126 male business executives found that only 3% of divorced men left their spouses for their affair partners.

In one survey, male respondents reported passing on their affair partner as their next life mate.

For those few who do end up marrying their affair partner, the statistics are still not in your favor.

A staggering 70% of these couples get divorced within the first five years of marriage. The chances of finding post-divorce happiness with an affair partner are extremely slim.

Post-divorce bliss with an affair partner is highly unlikely. Women trying to secure a long-term partner by poaching someone else's mate is risky in the 21st century.

Concluding Remarks

Davies, Shackleford, and Hass (2007) have inferred that the majority of males and females would rather form a romantic relationship with someone who is single. Resorting to mate poaching is commonly a last-ditch effort when other attempts have been unsuccessful. It's a high-risk, intense endeavor, and achieving success frequently involves significant social repercussions.

Nevertheless, mate-poaching is everywhere because it works pretty well sometimes for some people. Mate poaching still happens, even though it can harm marriages and committed relationships worldwide, as well as damage reputations.

Revised 11/17/23

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Dr. Kathy McMahon


Dr. Kathy McMahon (Dr. K) is a clinical psychologist and sex therapist. She is also the founder and president of Couples Therapy Inc. Dr. K feels passionate about couples therapy and sex therapy and holds a deep respect towards those who invest in making their relationship better. She is currently conducting online and in person private couples retreats.

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