Understanding the Impact of "Kitchen Sinking" in Relationships

Have you ever been in a heated argument and felt bombarded by a barrage of complaints from your partner, each one feeling like a relentless attack? Welcome to "Kitchen Sinking," where every grievance gets hurled into the fray, hoping to overpower the other with discontent. It's a destructive pattern recognized by John Gottman's research, highlighting the need for effective complaint handling to prevent relationship strain.

Exploring "Kitchen Sinking" Behavior

"Kitchen Sinking" is a communication tactic where numerous, often unrelated, issues flood a conversation. This approach complicates discussions, creating confusion and hindering problem-solving. Research reveals that instead of focusing on one specific issue, bringing up multiple grievances simultaneously complicates effective conflict resolution.

The Impact and Root Causes

This communication pattern encourages a defensive response and escalates conflicts. Partners engaged in "Kitchen Sinking" often have a strong need for acknowledgment or validation, prioritizing winning over problem-solving. Additionally, deep attachment issues or repeated breaches of trust can fuel this behavior, indicating severe damage to trust within a relationship.

Insights from Research Studies

A 2016 study that appeared in the academic journal Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin by Anne E. Wilson and Kassandra Cortes at the University of Waterloo uncovered fascinating insights. They found that partners with Anxious Attachment tendencies tended to dwell more intensely on past resentments during arguments, leading to increased escalation. This behavior, rooted in attachment vulnerabilities, can be challenging to overcome without understanding and self-compassion.

Anxious Attachment refers to a relationship style where individuals might be overly sensitive during arguments and easily triggered by emotional discussions. Anxious Attachment is an enduring vulnerability. Although your attachment style can change over time, it’s essential to understand your weaknesses and vulnerabilities, as well as those of your partner. You came by them honestly, and so did your spouse.

The research was careful to point out that it’s better to understand your tendency to engage in Kitchen Thinking rather than trying to suppress these thoughts outright.

With understanding and self-compassion, you might be able to say to your partner, “I’m feeling so disappointed right now about how this conversation is going that I am noticing an endless stream of negativity in my thoughts right now.” 

Knowing your attachment style and  patterns of rumination is helpful. As Napoleon Hill once said, “thoughts are things.”

“People who reported thinking about other unrelated past slights during their conflict also reported reacting to the conflict at hand more destructively — they reported having more conflict as a result of kitchen thinking, having less healthy conflict, and feeling worse about their relationships.” Anne E. Wilson and Kassandra Cortes

This study was a new contribution to science-based couples therapy because it enhances our awareness of the power of thought.

Addressing and Overcoming "Kitchen Sinking"

Recognizing "Kitchen Sinking" as detrimental to relationships is crucial. It's more than just about airing complaints; it often stems from a deep need for validation or unresolved attachment issues. Research emphasizes the importance of breaking free from this pattern, requiring self-awareness, improved communication, and a commitment to address one issue at a time, fostering a healthier approach to conflict resolution.

Closing

Understanding why "Kitchen Sinking" occurs can shed light on its impact. It's not merely about winning an argument; it's often rooted in a deep need for validation or past attachment injuries. This combative strategy engenders defensiveness and escalates conflicts, perpetuating a cycle of emotional turmoil.

Research delves into the intricate connections between this behavior, attachment styles, and a phenomenon called "Kitchen Thinking." Breaking free from this pattern demands self-awareness, effective communication skills, and a commitment to address one issue at a time. Overcoming "Kitchen Sinking" isn't just about avoiding complaints; it's about creating a healthier, more constructive way to engage in conflict and communicate within relationships.

Ready for a change in your relationship?

It starts with a no-obligation 15 minute phone call with our client services team.

Dr. Kathy McMahon


Dr. Kathy McMahon (Dr. K) is a clinical psychologist and sex therapist. She is also the founder and president of Couples Therapy Inc. Dr. K feels passionate about couples therapy and sex therapy and holds a deep respect towards those who invest in making their relationship better. She is currently conducting online and in person private couples retreats.

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