My husband is going through a really challenging time due to a medical condition. Thankfully it is not life-threatening but it does change his physical appearance. He hates the way he looks as a result, he doesn’t even want me to display recent pictures of us together. I still think he is incredibly handsome, I am as attracted to him as I always have been and I tell him this all the time. It seems to fall on deaf ears and I see this taking a bigger and bigger toll on his overall mood. Knowing that there is nothing that can be done to change the situation, how can I support him through this?
Body image is such a personal subject that it impacts every aspect of a person’s self-esteem. There are programs your husband can participate in, and they focus on four aspects:
The way he sees himself. This isn’t always an accurate representation. You describe him as handsome, but he doesn’t embrace your perspective. But his opinion will win out because we believe ourselves more than we believe other people (even if it is nice to hear it!)
- He feels unhappy about his appearance. Changes in appearance happen as we age and when illness impacts our appearance. Learning to accept these changes is a task of adult development. Acceptance takes time and can be painful and emotional.
- The thoughts and beliefs he has about his body. While he may feel unhappy, upset, disgusted, etc., he also thinks about what these changes mean to him.
- Things he does as a result of these feelings and perceptions. One thing he’s done is refuse to be displayed in photographs. He may avoid social events. His behaviors will intensify the impact his bodily changes have on his personality and on his overall life.
What can you do?
First, don’t try to counter his feelings with a pep talk about how he looks “great” to you. Sit down during a quiet moment and let him tell you the impact it has had on him and the fears accompanying that impact.
For some of us, this medical condition has come at a time when he’s already facing age-related changes. Perhaps something in his history has left a clear message that “looking different” can have terrible consequences.
Some professions, like sales, punish people as they age or when their appearance is impacted. Others, like performing artists, make a living from their body’s appearance and function. Explore whether he feels there are pragmatic changes to his livelihood now that he looks different and how he might deal with these challenges.
Does he have a simple one- or two-line explanation for his looks? Maybe make it humorous? Vitiligo, for example, can be explained as: “My melanin that gives my skin pigment just quit on me. These lighter patches are where it just refuses to work. It isn’t catchy. My slackers won’t impact how busy yours remain…”
You might also remind him of the challenges he’s faced in life and how he’ll face this one, too. But for now, he feels terrible and should allow himself time to recover from this setback.
Have him step back from the mirror and take in his whole body, not just the areas where his medical condition has impacted him. Sometimes, when we look at ourselves, we focus on what we feel the worst about. Taking a broader view can help us become more objective about our looks.
And you can always tell him that beauty is skin-deep, but goodness goes right to the bone. And his goodness shines through. Get him to do acts of kindness for you, for the kids, for his neighbors, and get outside his own grief at his medical condition. It’s the fastest way to pull out of a funk.
