Revised on 11/17/23

Men and Emotional Affairs: Why Husbands Have these Affairs


The problem with men and emotional affairs is that men don't consider them a serious problem.

Emotional affairs (EA) is more than a state of being "Just friends." It can be an elusive and subjective experience for men, especially in the workplace.

Emotional affairs are a common problem that we often work on in our intensive marriage retreats. New research has helped marriage therapists to understand how men enter into emotional affairs, how they begin, gain traction, and build momentum.

Emotional affairs are friendships that willingly harness the strong headwinds of sexual attraction. They eventually sweep away appropriate relational boundaries and transparency.

Research has helped clinicians to understand what emotional affairs mean to men and how clinicians trained in science-based couples therapy can help couples heal.

Why men Have emotional affairs and signs of emotional attachment

Here is how emotional affairs start:

Your EA partner may begin to complain about her husband. You listen gallantly and sympathetically. She compliments you on what a "good listener" you are and continues to lavish you with praise.

You continue to listen even more sympathetically to her tales of woe. Eventually, perhaps out of a sense of self-consciousness, the need for reciprocity kicks in. Or she calls attention to the imbalance of the relationship.

"And what about you?" she asks.

Gradually, you complain about your life and maybe even your wife or primary relationship. Your co-worker shows increasing levels of kindness and understanding.

This pattern of self-disclosure and mutual support continues to deepen over time.

Eventually, your significant other becomes, well, less significant.

Then, you begin to notice an emotional shift.

You start looking forward to seeing your EA partner at work. They eventually inhabit your heart and monopolize your attention.

You compare and contrast. You fantasize. Eventually, you show increased impatience and annoyance to your wife.

Your emotional pattern is now well underway. Like a riptide, it pulls you away from your spouse with great emotional force. Married men who have emotional affairs often slide more often than decide to have an affair.

The Epidemic of Men in Emotional Affairs

A study published in the journal of the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT) reveals the extent of the problem. About 45% of Men have reported being drawn into an emotional affair at some point.

Most men never disclose emotional affairs unless they are discovered. Men are quick to hide behind the "I did not have sex with that woman" defense. Emotional infidelity does not register as cheating with men because it wasn't consummated.

Men consider sexual infidelity and a physical affair to be a "real affair." Just looking for emotional support or devoting emotional energy thinking about someone else doesn't appear to be a cause for concern. After all, at this point it has remained a platonic friendship.

Paradoxically, in a recent survey, 88% of women reported that they were far more concerned about their husbands being emotionally unfaithful than just having sex outside the marriage. Women want to be the primary emotional attachment. When their husband seeks emotional connection with someone else, this feels like a much greater violation.

Half the men asked the same question considered emotional unfaithfulness a concern. This is a clear gender difference. An important difference exists between men and women around emotional infidelity. Women care more about emotional affairs than men do.

Emotional Affairs at Work Start Subtly

More than 60% of emotional affairs begin at work. Most men begin emotional affairs by spending a lot of time with someone they already know from work or at work.

Men are vulnerable because they do not recognize the warning signs of boundary violations. Married men who have emotional affairs also tend to be more comfortable wandering alone in the garden of their private thoughts and fantasies.

Men are often unprepared for emotional affairs. They do not understand the risks. A recent study shows that 68% of married men who have emotional affairs never thought it could happen to them. And almost all men who rely on an emotional connection with a co-worker wish they hadn't.

Research on Emotional Affairs

A popular and inaccurate notion (especially among poorly trained generalist therapists) is that an emotional affair is clear and compelling evidence of a severe underlying deficit in your relationship.

Research shows that while this notion might feel obvious, the truth (as are many truths in research-driven couples therapy) is far more complex and counter-intuitive.

Contrary to popular belief, relationship health is not a reliable determining factor in men who have emotional affairs. Why do married men have emotional affairs? Men often get drawn into workplace affairs because they come to depend on this person for the approval and validation they feel. An emotional slide happens subtly and incrementally.

Many men who describe themselves as "happily married" slide into an emotional connection with a co-worker that crosses the line. Men in emotional affairs are more elusive than most couples realize.

Are Emotional Affairs Common?

  • While 66% of women involved in emotional affairs described themselves as unhappy in marriage, a massive 34% described themselves as happy or very happy with their partner when the emotional affair began.
  • 48% of men report emotional dissatisfaction as the main reason they were swept into an emotional affair. And a good question is, how many of these men are being defensive?
  • A slight majority of these men (52%) had no pressing emotional complaints against their spouses.
  • A recent survey reports that 66% of men feel guilty about their emotional affairs.
  • Another recent study reports that 56% of men surveyed were happy in their marriage when they began an emotional affair.

Guilty for having the affair vs the impact of having it

But as Esther Perel emphasizes, there is a difference between feeling guilty for how your partner has been impacted by learning about your emotional affair versus your own guilt for having an affair itself.

And a surprisingly low 12% of men reported that their EA partner was more physically attractive than their spouse. Only 8% of men say that their primary motivation for pursuing an emotional affair was sexual dissatisfaction.

Recent research on men and affairs is clear on this point. While marital dissatisfaction can play a role, much more is happening here than just an "unhappy" marriage.

New thinkers such as Esther Perel are helping to expand our paradigms about the dynamics of emotional intimacy. People not only have feelings for their affair partner, but they also fall in love with the person they believe they are becoming with their affair partner.

They feel more alive and more attractive. If they were in a depression, falling into limerence lifts them out of it. And they begin to cultivate and intensify these feelings. They can relive these feelings every day at work or with the click of a button through social media.

Risk Factors: Character or a Sense of Entitlement?

It might not be popular to express this opinion, but I also wonder if the epidemic of emotional affairs might sometimes involve a crisis of identity, character, and maturity.

Affairs are often more about sharing intimate feelings as well as sexual attraction.

Evolutionary psychology describes how ambiguity and unavailability tend to feed and sharpen desire.

Research shows that couples under the age of 30 are at the greatest risk of falling into an emotional or sexual affair.

Research has also shown an economic correlation to emotional affairs.

Regardless of gender, the more money a partner brings home in contrast to their spouse, the more likely they are to engage in an emotional affair.

The reverse is also true for men. The more they lag behind or outstrip their wife's income, the greater the chance of infidelity. But when their incomes are roughly equal, the likelihood of infidelity declines.

The problem of men and emotional affairs is a sign of the times. The more gender-integrated a workplace becomes, the greater the risk of emotional infidelity.

What is needed is a more sophisticated understanding of how inappropriate emotional bonds form and why boundaries in the workplace are so vitally important.

References:


Glass, S. (1998, August). Shattered vows. Psychology Today, pp. 34ff.

 

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Dr. Kathy McMahon


Dr. Kathy McMahon (Dr. K) is a clinical psychologist and sex therapist. She is also the founder and president of Couples Therapy Inc. Dr. K feels passionate about couples therapy and sex therapy and holds a deep respect towards those who invest in making their relationship better. She is currently conducting online and in person private couples retreats.

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  1. My husband has been fond of a former coworker that he stays in touch with. She has sent him selfies of herself and I’m sure he has done the same. They have met for drinks which I called him out on. To my dismay, he secretly got her a job where He was working. Their property management company was replaced by another. So now they are both out of jobs although my husband is doing side work and is collecting social security. He’ll be 65 in May and she is 43 with two kids in their 20s and still lives at home with her. I found out recently he took her out on our boat out in the ocean where no one could see them. He had his shirt off as his upper body has a lot of color. Again, I called him out on it. He keeps claiming they are friends. I gave him a choice that if he wants to be with her, that’s fine but we will go our separate ways. Told him his behavior is unacceptable for a married man. Unfortunately I have lost all trust and lost respect for him. I take it one day at a time trying to understand how this all started.

    1. Lossing your partner’s trust and respect is a high price to pay for an affair of any kind. Good for you for having clear boundaries and knowing your limits, Diane. -Dr. K

  2. We have been married for what would be 14 years.
    I started work at a new job June last year,I started working with a female who I got on with due to the fact she reminded me of my step daughters zest for life.
    I thought at first she was a nice person.
    After a while I found myself getting closer to this person.
    Phone calls and messages behind my wife's back.
    It came to light on the verge of losing my dad when this person who I now have no contact with put on social media stay strong hun love you.
    My wife rang this person and she told my wife I (andy) had rung her more than she had rung me.
    My wife has now told me that we will be getting divorced and going our separate ways because of what I done.
    My wife asked me WHY I had been deceitful and lied to her also if this person was just a friend why did I keep it quite.
    I told my wife it was an ego thing that this person who is 17 years younger with three young children 32 I am 51.
    Since telling my wife it was an ego thing that is when my wife has finally told me we will part and get divorced.
    The messages I sent to the other person I deleted so that there was no contact.
    Which I now know was wrong but there was on the other side if I hadn't deleted them what difference would it have made none I think.

    1. If you desire, you can talk to your wife about how much you want to save your marriage with her. People make mistakes. You made a mistake. That is human, Andy. Tell her what you mean to her. Make an all-out effort to demonstrate your investment in your marriage. It may not make a difference to your wife, but then again, you would have known that you put your all into it. -Dr. K

  3. I have been married for 21 years to an emotionally immature husband. Throughout the years he always felt sorry and I always forgave him. Now, we left our country to follow his career to a country where they do not speak English but most the staff at his work speaks English. Since April 2020 he started changing in his ways, very quiet, sometimes just lying on the couch with his eyes closed. I could feel this old familiar feeling of the presence of someone else in my life as his phone were never left out of reach and messaging at night and weekends were many! When I asked he would always say that it is work problems and when he received phone calls, many of them were taken outside out of reach. I was totally ignored when it came to physical attention and he had the audacity to take his morning pleasures when he needed. We had many arguments about how he changed and it was blamed on work and how difficult it is to understand some language barriers. When we went back to our own country to sort our visa’s out, he had home office and his 2IC that he dealt with daily is a married, very pretty female and the door was always closed. I felt really isolated but had family to visit which kept my mind of things and I did not tell a soul about our problems and my fears. When we returned to our foreign new life, the messages and calls continued as well as the phone hogging. I could not even go to the bathroom without him quickly grabbing his phone. One night I had enough and took the phone from his hands and even though he objected I said that I will smash his phone he must let me read their messages. He stood behind me and said I shouldn’t as it will anger me and I just ignored him. It was a nine month message to and fro story as clear as daylight and I felt devastated. I realized that I had been living with a liar and stranger that is totally in love. The obvious thing was I was going back to my country but he begged and pleaded, cried and made promises again. It is a roller coaster marriage as he is still either with me or drifts off for periods of time in his fantasies and she is the reason. I am tired, I feel so old and ugly and hopeless. Their team building events drives me insane with feelings of jealousy and that I hope she takes another job etc. like an insane person. I have not won the battle yet but am still fighting because of my moral standards and the hope that he will grow out of this phase. I think I am so stupid but I am 63 and where should I go?

  4. Does it count as an emotional affair if you are in the process of divorcing your husband and your emotional partner is separated from his wife?

  5. I have been physically and emotionally involved with a man for over 35 yrs. My spouse is deceased and his is still alive. We no longer are sexually involved due to health reasonsbut we still have a very strong emotional attachment. And we both constantly profess our love for each other. We are still best friends. Is this possible? I will always love this man and he says the same to me

    1. I truly feel sorry for you. I feel even sorrier for his spouse, there is no excuse. It’s a blatant disregard for another person‘s feelings and you’re blatantly cheating that other person out of the true happiness and the ability to make their own decisions about the relationship play deceitfully hiding this affair. I don’t know how you feel good about yourselves… is it fun being the other woman? I wouldn’t think so. He can tell you he loves you more than her, he can tell you anyway he wants to. But is he leaving his wife? No. So the emotions truly are with you, the ego is. I’ve gone through this with my husband and I think it’s despicable and I would never do this to anyone because I believe in truth and honesty. Your emotional affairs are because you’re lacking something within yourself in your own self-esteem. You should seek individual therapy not people. When someone tells you they’re married, it’s not open game. If you had any respect respect for yourself and the covenant of marriage. Which I Wesley you don’t. Thank goodness your poor husband is he isn’t here to witness this. Get emotionally connected with yourself! And tell this other person the truth so she can decide for herself what she wants out of life not being controlled by a fake faithful husband. an emotional affair is just that an affair. By weak people, you should reach a point in your life where you’re comfortable and happy with yourself and not need the high school thrill or someone stroking your ego. Oh you’re brave to post but a coward to carry on like this. 35 years? Do you respect anything, do you have any faith is anything sacred morals? Apparently not. Both of you deserve each other and his wife deserves better

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