Elizabeth and Ryan, both in their late 30s, have been married for 10 years. From the outside, they seem to have a stable relationship. But behind closed doors, their dynamic is quite different from their friends Christina and Timothy. While Christina and Tim engage in open, supportive communication, Elizabeth often finds herself feeling small, dismissed, and emotionally unfulfilled by Ryan.
The difference lies in the subtle yet pervasive patterns of emotional abuse present in Elizabeth and Ryan’s marriage. While Ryan rarely raises his voice or lashes out in obvious verbal attacks, he frequently employs more insidious tactics that undermine Elizabeth’s self-worth and autonomy.
Withholding affection and engagement
One common form of emotional abuse is withholding – when a partner deliberately withdraws affection, attention or engagement. Ryan routinely does this when Elizabeth tries to share her thoughts or feelings with him.
While Tim thoughtfully engages when Christina wants to talk, saying things like, “I’m listening, what’s on your mind?,” Ryan often brushes Elizabeth off with curt responses:
Ryan: “Can we talk about this later? I’m in the middle of something.” or
Ryan: “There’s nothing to discuss. Everything’s fine.” or
Ryan: “You’re always needing to talk. It’s exhausting.” or
Ryan: “WHAT! (continues to watch TV)
Over time, these dismissals leave Elizabeth feeling unimportant and alone. She begins to believe her needs don’t matter. Ryan’s withholding sends the hurtful message that Elizabeth is not worthy of his time and attention.
Deflecting responsibility and blaming
Another insidious tactic Ryan employs is deflecting responsibility and turning things around on Elizabeth. Whenever she expresses hurt or frustration with his behavior, he’s quick to flip the script:
Ryan: “I couldn’t be more affectionate because you’ve been so cold lately.” or
Ryan: “Maybe I’d want to spend more time with you if you weren’t always nagging me.” or
Ryan: “If you weren’t so insecure, my comments wouldn’t bother you so much.”
Rather than acknowledging the impact of his actions, Ryan makes Elizabeth feel like she is the problem. It’s a manipulative way to avoid accountability.
In contrast, when conflicts arise for Christina and Tim, Tim owns his part:
Tim: “I realize I’ve been distracted lately. That wasn’t fair to you.”
Tim: “I can see why my comment came across as critical. I could have phrased that better.” or
Tim: “You’re right, I said I would handle that and I dropped the ball. Let me make it up to you.”
Tim’s willingness to be introspective and apologize allows them to resolve issues as a team. There’s no blame or deflection, just shared responsibility.
Disregarding consent and autonomy
Ryan also regularly disregards Elizabeth’s right to make independent choices. He questions her spending habits, pushes her to change plans with friends, and makes unilateral decisions for the household. There’s an undercurrent of “I know best.”
Ryan: “I know I said I’d have dinner with your family this Sunday, but I didn’t realize that the game was on.”
Ryan: (looking at the credit card bill) “Hey, Elizabeth, are you a shopaholic?” (when his words are challenged, he responds angrily) “I was only kidding. Jeez, you really have no sense of humor. I’ll just work until I’m 100!”
(When Elizabeth suggested, as she has repeatedly before, that they set up a budget)
Ryan: “What, so you can try and control every penny I spend? No way.”
Around seeing her friends:
Ryan: “Jody is a slut, Elizabeth. No one will say that, but I’m just being honest. I have no idea why you insist on seeing her.”
Regarding the riding mower and new computer he brought home:
Ryan: “Look, this isn’t a luxury. It is a necessity. I have to work from home in order to get ahead. And if I spend all day Saturday on the lawn, how can I work?”
In the bedroom, he often pressures her to be intimate, saying things like:
Ryan: “If you really loved me, you’d want to have sex more.” or
Ryan: “Why are you always rejecting me? You must not be attracted to me anymore.”
Ryan: “Other wives don’t turn down their husbands like this.”
In contrast, when Tim began feeling neglected by Christina, he said this:
Tim: “Hey, honey, let’s go to bed early tonight. I’ve been missing you and really want to make love.”
When Christina reminded him that she had a presentation tomorrow, he replied:
Tim: “Oh darn, I forgot! What does this weekend look like?”
While Elizabeth is left feeling guilty and coerced, Christina feels loved and respected. While Elizabeth’s “no” doesn’t feel like a real option, Christina comfortably refuses because she knows he’ll respond with warmth and understanding.
Tim and Christina’s relationship is rooted in mutual respect for each other’s autonomy. They make decisions collaboratively and ensure both partners enthusiastically consent to intimacy. Tim would never want Christina to feel pressured or obligated. Her voice matters just as much as his.
Recognizing emotional abuse
So how can someone in Elizabeth’s position recognize they are experiencing emotional abuse? Here are some key signs to look out for:
Pervasive inequality
Emotional abuse creates an unbalanced dynamic where the abusive partner’s needs and opinions seem to matter more.1 You may feel like you’re always walking on eggshells, trying not to rock the boat. A healthy relationship makes space for both partners’ thoughts and feelings. Notice that Ryan buys non-essential items that he labels “necessities” while he suggested that his wife is “addicted” to shopping and forcing him to work well beyond retirement age.
Emotional abandonment
Withholding affection, attention and engagement is emotionally devastating. If you frequently feel shut out or invisible, like your partner has put up a wall against your attempts to connect, it’s a red flag.2 A loving partner will show interest in you and make an effort to be emotionally present.
Ryan stopped talking to or engaging with Elizabeth, after she objected to his cancelling dinner with her family. He went, but was rude and sullen, and blamed her for being controlling. He stopped talking to her for the rest of the week.
Chronic blame-shifting
Abusive partners often twist things around to make you feel responsible for their behavior. You’re the “too sensitive” one, the “overreacting” one, the one who “pushed them” to act a certain way.3 In reality, your partner is responsible for managing their own conduct. Chronic blame-shifting is a way to control you and erode your self-trust.
When Elizabeth objected to the expensive riding mower Ryan bought, he told her that he would return it and “she can mow the grass from now on.” Asking him to keep his commitment to eat with her family caused her to suffer a long week of being snubbed and ignored by him. She thought long and hard about “insisting” that he keep his commitments to her in the future.
When Ryan was caught sexting with a female friend, he angrily accused Elizabeth of “spying” and driving him to “harmless amusements” because she was so “sexually unresponsive.”
Dismissal of your “no”
If your partner steamrolls your boundaries, pressures you to change your mind, or makes unilateral decisions, they are communicating that your consent and autonomy don’t matter.4 A respectful partner will welcome your “no,” collaborate with you on plans and priorities, and ensure you feel empowered to make your own choices.
Despite reminding him over the last two months of her upcoming “girls’ weekend” with college friends, Ryan was shocked that he was going to have to “disappoint his boss” because he had promised to complete a big assignment over that weekend. He “allowed” her to go, despite the “potential cost to his career.” Elizabeth simply stopped planning these types of get-aways.
Ryan had decided to store his “overflow” office equipment in Elizabeth’s private space, despite her objections. His “little pile” kept growing until the chaos was intolerable to her otherwise organized office. Elizabeth was confronted with having to get a babysitter for her night classes after Ryan decided that fitness was his new priority and went to the gym on the nights she had classes.
So what should you do if these signs feel all too familiar? Here are some action steps:
Individual therapy
Working with a counselor one-on-one can help you process the emotional abuse, set boundaries, and determine your path forward. Therapy provides a safe, objective space to validate your experiences and rebuild self-worth eroded by the abuse.5 Look for a counselor who specializes in emotional abuse recovery. You can’t respond to emotional abuse if you can’t recognize it. You can’t enforce boundaries unless you feel entitled to have boundaries to begin with. Emotional abuse wears on the target and becomes invisible over time.
Couples counseling
If your partner is willing to accept responsibility, commit to change, and put in the hard work, carefully consider couples counseling. It’s critical to choose a therapist trained in abuse dynamics who will keep the sessions constructive and balanced.6 Couples work is not advisable if you are being pressured into it or if abuse is severe.
Prioritize your safety
If trying to address the abuse results in escalating danger, control or retaliation, individual safety must be the priority. Reach out to domestic violence support services for guidance on protecting yourself and any children involved.7 Remember, you are not responsible for your partner’s abusive choices and you deserve to feel safe.
How to deal with emotional abuse
If any part of Elizabeth and Ryan’s dynamic resonated with you, know that you are not alone and you are not to blame. Emotional abuse can be incredibly insidious and disorienting. But the more you learn to recognize it, the more empowered you become to stand up for the treatment you deserve, both within yourself and within your relationship. Change is possible. Healing is possible. And you are so extremely worthy of it.
Summary
Recognizing emotional abuse when it’s subtle can be challenging, especially when you’re in the thick of it. But learning to identify the red flags – the inequality, emotional abandonment, blame-shifting, and boundary violations – is so vital. You deserve a relationship rooted in mutual care, respect and consideration. Whether through individual counseling, carefully approached couples work, or prioritizing your immediate safety, there are steps you can take to reclaim your voice and your relational well-being. You are worthy of love and partnership that uplifts you.
I would like to point out that being on the receiving end of emotional abuse can result in the behaviors you are describing as abusive. Withholding and emotional distance are learned, or a natural consequence, when your environment isn’t safe. I don’t know how many of you guys had the guts to tell your abusive husband about himself. I’m guessing not a lot. Why? Because he’s going to get pissed and it will all end up being your fault anyway, so you keep it in and pull yourself further and further away, even against his protests that you’ve changed, because otherwise you continue to get hurt. I feel like the way those paragraphs were written could be used against a victim. I hope to god my husband never reads this article.
Twisting words and meaning, and blaming the victim are also a part of the emotionally abusive cycle. Very often what you are describing happens, and it is just another of the endless “misunderstandings” that are designed to maintain or gain power. Learning to test out whether any relationship can change is an important question, and does require some thought and planning. But perhaps more importantly, it requires knowing the difference between emotional abuse and just good boundaries. This is the goal of this article, is to spell those out. -Dr. K
Thank you for this. I want to say this to the people searching for these articles because they think something is off in their marriage:
After 25 years married (and 3 children) I am trying to get up the courage to finally leave. It's so hard. I have no visible scars, and he is so well-liked by the community. The only things I have to base the divorce upon? I have words. I have lies of omission and quite a few blatant lies. I have years of a sexless marriage (that when I brought up was told that it was "50 percent my fault too," or my favorite, "you need to come to bed earlier or get up earlier.") I have years of being made to feel like I wasn't contributing to the household because I stayed home with our children. I have years of watching him come home in a drunken stupor, his preferred way of handling the stress of his job. I have been accused of 'emotional affairs,' since I talked with other men–and yes, given the lack of respect and attention from him, I did like having a guy to talk to.
He's told me I need medicated. That I must be going through menopause. That something is wrong with me. He went to my mom and my sister to convince them of my 'state.' Sadly, my sister bought into his manipulations (even though just a few years ago she was begging me to leave him) saying he's retired now and wants to try to make things better. I'm no longer speaking to her.
I didn't even know what was happening other than my marriage always felt tenuous. (Always walking on eggshells). It was only after my eldest daughter heard guest speakers from the local domestic crises shelter speak to her health class did it come to light. After a fight between my spouse and me, I went to check on her (feeling awful she once again witnessed him berating me and me fighting back.) She tearfully looked at me and said, "You know what that is, don't you? That's emotional abuse! They talked about it in class today and it sounded just like you and dad." I started counseling (or the psychobabble that ruined our marriage, as he would say) not long after that and 'tah-dah.' Turns out I was right to feel hurt for the things he did. I wasn't overreacting or hysterical.
And yet, here I site. To scared to once again tell him I want a divorce. (He refuses, won't leave the home–so I will have to go and take my daughters with me out of the only home they have known.)
To those reading this article, please believe this: You CANNOT make yourself "good" enough for a person like this. They will never be satisfied. Nor should you try to be what they want you to be! You should be loved for yourself. Get counseling, and figure out how to do that. Then get out before it gets harder to leave. Peace.
Thank you for this article. It provides important information and I’m grateful to have found it.
I personally feel that this "quiz" was a terrible assessment tool for anyone truly looking for clarification whether they've been a victim of emotional abuse. It focused only on a single kind of abuse that not all abusers utilize and wasn't inclusive enough to truly assess anything.
I KNOW that my husband is emotionally abusive, he lies more than he tells the truth, he refuses ALL accountability for his actions and constantly dismisses my feelings and treats them as an affront to him if they inconvenience him in any way, he uses manipulation and passive aggression to control and get what he wants from me, he gaslights me, he literally STEALS from me without second thought, he stonewalls me as punishment anytime I don't meet his uncommunicated needs, he frequently disappears without telling me where he's going or when/if he's coming back, he uses coercion and guilt trips for sex, he's taken control of all finances so I am unable to access any money, etc, etc.
It's unmistakable psychological abuse, my score on this assessment though? 29! I admittedly didn't come here looking for confirmation of abuse because I'm already aware, I was honestly just interested in what therapy for an abusive dynamic would look like. But since the quiz was there, I thought I'd just go ahead and take it just out of curiosity and I'm shocked how "normal" my marriage was assessed to be!
I'd hate to think of someone where I was when I just began questioning my relationship taking this and being talked out of considering it any further. I was so reluctant to accept that my husband could be abusive at first, it wouldn't have taken much to convince me to abandon those suspicions. Just something to consider…
Thank you so much for pointing this out. We’ve taken the quiz down, as it wasn’t loading correctly. There is no “healthy” level of abuse. Thanks again for pointing it out.
How would you say something like ADHD can influence these dynamics? If ADHD causes trouble seeing cause and effect, limited insight, etc., then is it possible that a perpetrator with ADHD can truly believe that they do not bear responsibility because they are unable to see the cause and effect of their actions (and then they see the victim in a dehumanized way so they do not take the feedback from the victim seriously)? What adjustments should be made to account for this or other impairments in higher order thinking where it appears the perpetrator believes their own sense of victimhood?
I simply refuse to go down that line of thinking. If someone has an impairment that prevents them from acting in an abusive manner, their responsibility is to seek help and STOP THAT BEHAVIOR. We can use this same argument for those which chronic illness, depression, etc. The issue is that the perpetrator often suffers from high anxiety, depression, ADHD, childhood trauma, or other related mental health issues. But still, no one should “adjust” to abuse. They are creating new victims by their behavior and need to stop it by whatever methods they see fit. But they need it to stop immediately.
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