Parents often wonder whether it’s appropriate to argue in front of their children. While conventional wisdom might suggest keeping all disagreements private, research and expert opinion suggest a more nuanced approach. The key lies not in whether parents disagree in front of their children but in how they handle those disagreements.
My wife thinks that it is good for us to fight in front of the kids, she says that it helps them to know that it’s healthy and normal. I don’t want them to worry about our relationship, some of their friends have parents that are divorced. Is it ok to have arguments in front of them?
The answer depends a lot on what you argue about and how you argue.
Modeling Healthy Disagreement
It is excellent modeling for kids to watch their parents in a spirited discussion about whether to spend the summer at the ocean or the mountains, both places they’ve been to and enjoyed.
Especially if:
- The parents remain calm and respectful
- Lay out their argument intelligently, playfully, or with enthusiasm
- Listen to each other and ask honest questions (not set-up questions) about the other‘s position.
Your children will learn that two adults can want different things but can talk about it without anyone’s feelings getting hurt.
The Impact of Negative Communication
Rowen & Emery (2018) researched parents who criticize each other in front of their children. They found that it backfires, damaging the relationship between the criticizing parent and their child rather than turning the child against the other parent.
This finding emerges from three comprehensive studies examining how parental denigration (unfairly insulting someone) affects family relationships. The research, which included both married and divorced families, consistently showed that when parents speak negatively about each other to their kids, everyone loses—especially the critical parent.
The behavior often becomes reciprocal, creating a cycle of negativity with children caught in the middle. Divorced parents, particularly those in legal battles, tended to minimize their own negative comments while emphasizing their ex’s behavior. However, children reported feeling more distant from both parents, especially the more frequent critic.
What makes this research particularly valuable is its practical implications: venting frustrations about your co-parent to your children isn’t just harmful to them—it’s self-defeating. Instead of achieving the intended effect of alienating children from the other parent, it damages the critic’s own relationship with their children.
For parents navigating difficult co-parenting relationships, the message is clear: Find appropriate outlets for your frustrations—friends, therapists, or support groups—rather than expressing them to your children. Focus on building a positive relationship with your children instead of trying to influence their relationship with their other parent.
Remember: Your children carry both relationships in their hearts. When you speak ill of their other parent, you’re not just attacking your co-parent – you’re forcing your children into an impossible position in a battle they never chose to fight.
If you see your children disagreeing this way, you’ll know you are on the right track.
But that isn’t what most couples mean by “fighting.”
Understanding Children’s Sensitivity
Your children have tender nervous systems that respond quickly to danger. When the two people, whose job is to protect them, are angry and agitated, their bodies go haywire. Like the Will Robinson robot, their systems shout, “Danger, Will Robinson!!!”
If that happens twice a week, they may live in a chronic state of agitation that will impact every bodily organ.
You don’t need to shout and call names to create this chaos. Chronic marital tension can also harm.
Fighting About The Children in Front of Them
“I think you are being too harsh with her,” is never something your child needs to hear. If you disagree about how your spouse is parenting, take them aside.
“Can we talk a few minutes?” is good. Bringing it up later is better. Get out of earshot and talk it out, but never in front of the children.
Managing Perpetual vs. Solvable Problems
Every couple has issues that don’t have “resolution.” Sixty-nine percent, according to the Gottman Institute. Learning to talk about these issues repeatedly and monitoring your partner’s level of distress is crucial.
Differences in sleep/wake patterns, work/life balance, spending vs savings, or sex might be some of these “hang around forever” type differences.
Guidelines for Constructive Disagreement
Setting aside 20-40 minutes regularly to better understand your spouse’s perspective is essential and valuable, but not in front of the children. Tempers can flare quickly and unpredictability in “perpetual” problems.
Solvable problems or complaints can be issues you can bring up respectfully because they have clear, concrete solutions. Moreover, when the complaint focuses on the solution (and not a ‘flaw’ in your spouse), it sends the message that asking for behavior change is normal.
However, your partner must also be receptive to the complaint and respond non-defensively. If a complaint is made, 85% of the time, women (vs. men) make it, giving husbands plenty of opportunity to demonstrate respect for their wives and a willingness to be responsive and accept influence—great lessons for the little ones.
Closing
The goal isn’t to create an artificially conflict-free environment but rather to demonstrate healthy conflict resolution. When parents model respectful disagreement and effective problem-solving, they provide their children with valuable life skills. However, they must remain mindful of the fine line between constructive discussion and harmful conflict, always prioritizing their children’s emotional well-being in the process.
References
Rowen, J. & Emery, R. (2018). Parental Denigration: A Form of Conflict that Typically Backfires. Family Court Review. 56. 258-268. 10.1111/fcre.12339.
You can learn more about how to make effective complaints here.
