Living in a relationship where one partner is neurodivergent brings unique challenges and opportunities. While these relationships can face communication hurdles and emotional disconnects, they also offer chances for deep understanding and growth when both partners work together. This guide explores how neurodivergent marriages work, what makes them special, and practical ways to build a stronger connection, no matter your neurological differences.
In our intensive couples therapy intake process, we sometimes hear about long-term relationships with a partner who was never diagnosed as Neurodivergent (formerly Asperger’s Syndrome). These spouses call us because they have noticed that their partner has meltdowns, difficulty with social communication, or problematic social skills.
They sometimes also ask if Neurodivergent is an appropriate diagnosis and if so, whether they should join a support group, enter marriage counseling, or even start the divorce process.
Some have suspected that they are living in a Neurodivergent Marriage after reading books by Tony Attwood or Stephen Shore. They have also read heartbreaking stories, particularly those written by women, who have accepted their husbands’ controlling nature regarding money, travel, or how to keep the home.
Clinically, these marriages suffer from many of the issues found in neurotypical marriages… only more so.
While it’s important to highlight the challenges in these marriages, I’ve found so many vitriolic rants of hatred or hopelessness in the comments (149 in all…) that I wanted to discuss it further.
What is Neurodivergence?
According to the DSM-5, Neurodivergence, formerly Asperger’s Syndrome (AS), is a developmental disorder characterized by significant difficulties in social interaction and nonverbal communication, along with restricted and repetitive patterns of behavior and interests.
Neurodivergents experience the world differently than neurotypical (NT) people. It is believed that a hypersensitivity to sensory stimuli necessitates the Neurodivergent’s withdrawal from an onslaught of oppressive stimulation.
From a couples therapy context, it’s important to note how a conventional neuro-typical perspective dwells on the external conflicts between the NT and the Neurodivergent, and not the root cause…the Neurodivergent and NT partner’s fundamentally different neurology.
If you’re a Neurodivergent, you will always be a Neurodivergent. It’s not a personality disorder or illness. It is a variation in how your brain is wired. And it is, in fact, a core aspect of your identity.
NTs typically perceive Neurodivergents as having sensory sensitivity, rigidity, and concrete thinking and being challenged in mirroring NT communication and social skills.
Gender in Neurodivergence is often a crucial issue in couples therapy because it’s believed that for every Neurodivergent woman, there are anywhere from 3 or more Neurodivergent men. Most neurodiverse couples who wind up on my couch are a high-functioning, successful Neurodivergent man and his NT wife.
Although it is perceived as an Autism Spectrum Disorder, early development for Neurodivergence is usually healthy, and there is no delay in acquiring language skills. It’s also not unusual for Neurodivergents to have co-occurring learning disabilities and attention deficit issues.
Many Neurodivergents struggle with anxiety, depression, and GI issues. It’s hard for NT’s to understand the daily stress of being neurodiverse.
Communication issues in a Neurodivergent marriage
Communication problems are often present, with sometimes an absence of tonal variation, an over-expression of inappropriate affect, or trouble with describing or reflecting emotions (called “alexithymia,” loosely translated as “no words for emotions.”)
Therefore, spouses who have high-functioning Autism or who are neurodivergent may come off as very pedantic, disinterested in emotional nuance, or absorbed by their own interests.
It can make these men and women very dull conversationalists. They can also become immediately defensive at perceived criticism and rigid in their perspective.
A Neurodivergent marriage enhanced
It has been my clinical experience, however, that these issues must be identified and worked with head-on.
Instead of being “impossible challenges,” they are clear social skills that John Gottman, Ph.D., has spent a lifetime perfecting in remarkably detailed and practical ways.
- Alexithymia has effective treatment.
- Bores can be helped to notice that they have lost their audience by watching facial expressions and posture.
- Neurofeedback has, in my experience, been effective in helping people increase tonal variations in speech.
Daily conversations can improve communication (called “Stress Reducing Conversations” by researcher John Gottman, Ph.D.). Most of the men I’ve worked with having neurotypical features are fascinated by Dr. Gottman’s research on The Four Horsemen. These include “Defensiveness,” or the reactive, whiny response to spousal complaints. Once these men understand the pragmatics behind the approach, they often advocate for this work and apply the principles diligently in their married life.
Bodily issues enhanced
Dancing is a great place to start, not as an endpoint but as an avenue to help those with bodily issues connect their body in space with their capacity to move it more easily.
But the neurodivergents’ history of being humiliated by their awkwardness is essential to explore.
Dancing in the living room, individually, or simply swaying to the music is a better step than coordinated movements.
Sex and Neurodivergents
Sex has also to be re-contextualized, and the unspoken must become spoken. One of the reasons why I find working with those in a Neurodivergent Marriage rewarding is that so much of the intense hurt and resentment on the part of the neurotypical fades when they recognize that they need to be specific and directive, and not take “no” for an answer.
They come to learn that automatic “no’s” from their neurotypical spouse are often defensiveness at being told they are “wrong.” One Neurodivergent man refused to kiss his wife. Kissing was her avenue to arousal, so the sex had stopped.
He refused to kiss her because he hated her bad breath and the moisture of her mouth.
It was important for both to realize that yogurt with fresh lemon could help the first problem, and a glass of red wine would assist with the second, as it dries up mucus membranes.
But what becomes dry in one place is a problem for another! Lubricant would also be needed. He would have to overcome his mouth aversion, which had built up over many years.
Instead of being offended, many pragmatic solutions are available to the couple willing to discard the nightmare rhetoric of hopelessness and misery rampant on the internet.
Lack of empathy in a Neurodivergent marriage
But the most significant complaint about a Neurodivergent Marriage that comes from wives is their husband’s “lack of empathy.” Often, they’ll recall painful situations with some crucial life event. They’ll recall that their husband’s response was cold, unsympathetic, or disinterested.
Remember, however, that alexithymic means “no words for emotions,” not “no emotions.” One in ten people has alexithymia, and it is much more common in autistic people and those with depression.
Empathy in Neurodivergent Relationships
This is one of the most hurtful and pervasive myths about neurotypicals: That they lack empathy.
Research has demonstrated that most neurodivergent people will focus on the mouth of the speaker, missing vital cues from the eyes, eyebrows, and nose, which are vital to communication. Spending an hour or two in professional training to read micro-expressions can enhance communication effectiveness in a Neurodivergent marriage.
Paul Ekman, Ph.D., is a psychologist who has spent his professional life studying micro-expressions and developed this training that the popular television show “Lie to Me” made famous.
Equally important is a neurotypical spouse who is willing to take the time to identify inappropriate responses to highly charged emotional topics, like the death of a parent.
Meta-communication mismatches are also highly prevalent in these problematic marriages. As Neurodivergent husbands frequently have Neurodivergent mothers or fathers, it is not surprising that they’ve not learned how to respond in socially acceptable ways to displays of grief, anger, depressive sadness, or joy.
How to survive a Neurodivergent marriage
It remains an integral part of my work to help those in a Neurodivergent marriage because I see so much senseless heartache in a marriage that could otherwise be “good enough” to provide safety, warmth, and love.
While the public might think that the challenge in changing these marriages would lie with the neurotypical, in truth, I see that both spouses play a pivotal role. Many wives discover later in life that their Neurodivergent husbands aren’t “selfish,” “narcissistic,” or “cruel” but are instead simply born “different.” And learning to work together to make things better is key.
Closing
Building a healthy, neurodivergent marriage takes patience, understanding, and a willingness to learn from both partners. Remember that being different doesn’t mean being incompatible – it just means finding new ways to connect and communicate. With the right tools, support, and commitment to growth, neurodivergent couples can create lasting, loving relationships that work for both partners. The key is focusing on solutions rather than problems and remembering that every successful relationship is built on mutual respect, clear communication, and acceptance of each other’s unique qualities.
What about when the woman is Neurodiverse, and the man Neurotypical? Or when both partners are Neurodiverse? Too much advice on the topic of Neurodiverse marriages is inaccurate in this way, and often conflates gender normative behavior with expressions of neurodiversity.
True. That’s why it is important to work with someone who can help normalize typical relationships struggles true of all marriages from particular struggles in a particular neurodiverse marriage. It’s one of the reasons that an extensive assessment is so important! -Dr. K
I think you mean neurodivergent focus on the mouth and miss nuances of the movement of brow, eyes and nose – Yes?
Thank you for any clarification
Yep. Thanks for catching that, Jasmine! I made that change. -Dr K
Honestnquestion: Why is it that Gottman is the standard for many… when he has been divorced 3 times?
Also, where is the input from a neurodivergint? The spectrum is greatly diverse. How can we all be lumped in the same statistic?
Lastly, does sharing the percentages of predictability of divorce affect the results via variations of different biases? I mean, Outlook is key. Sharing end results affects results. Rather, the better reveal of data is what is needed to make it work where both spouses are happy and growing closer.
I concede that Gottmans results have validity, bit I question the purpose of the results of the analysis. Is it to show what the data proves, or is it to impact for positive results? If you have 2 in marriage counseling, then isn't it because there is a desire to make it work? Why focus on end result stats before even trying?
You raise several important points. First, I believe that the divorce statistic will lower as time goes on. Before 1997, there was no widespread understanding of high-functioning autism, so if you were married or an adult before this time, you may not even know you have autism. Your second point is that neurodivergence is a very broad catch-all.
It is, and it’s also being (appropriately, I think) depathologized. We’re also getting better at treating neurodiverse relationships. Your next point has to do with the harmful impact of sharing discouraging statistics. I think that can go both ways: You can be dedicated to beating the odds or discouraged by them. I believe it is the responsibility of the therapeutic community to both offer hope and be candid about where we are right now.
The odds for the neurodiverse couples that I have seen are still much better than those odds, and the longer I practice, the better those odds are.
Finally, although Gottman himself has been married several times, he went into the field specifically BECAUSE we was such a failure at relationships. He jokes that it is difficult to both study relationships and be in one, although his 30+ years of marriage to his psychologist wife Julie may be an indication that learning can contribute to success.
Thanks for your comments.
Thank you for this article. I wish we'd had a diagnosis and some guidance and support like this a year or two ago. Without either of those, neither of us understood why we seemed to be mis-connecting with each other when we were both trying so hard. With the pandemic & a couple of other major external stressors, he (ND) got overwhelmed and abruptly dissolved the relationship entirely without a word. With the right tools and support, I'm confident we could have made it for the long haul and been better even than "good enough". Much appreciation for the work you are doing.
What a breath of fresh air this is. My partner and I believe in the “good enough” construct and are not quite there yet, but we’ve lived long lives and have a lot to work out.
Finding and using the resources that work is what it’s all about. I can do without neurodiversity. We’ve been with a trauma-informed counselor for three years who uses Gottman and the EFT counseling model with us. Individually Schema therapy keeps me together and my Apergian is loosening up via RO-DBT.
I support the work you are doing yet I did feel emotionally abandoned and unseen by my wife of over a decade and divorce was the outcome. I’m unusual in that it was the wife that was diagnosed late as an adult. There were other incompatibilities at work. Ah well. It’s sad but it’s over and that’s a relief in itself. She’s a good person, fine co-parent. I’m very cautious about future relationships. I’ll give the next one more time before building the castles in the air, if I’m blessed to have a second chance.