Addiction and marital conflict are an inexhaustible subject. Recent survey research by Northrup, Schwartz & Witte (2012) was cited by Gottman as a particularly rigorous piece of social science, and they have some interesting things to say about addiction and marital conflict.
We’ve known at least since 1980 that women have a hard time fessing up to addictions of any kind. Only 31% in this study admitted to every having an addiction or obsession, compared with 39% of men in the same study.
The study asked men and women if they ever had a partner who was addicted. 36% of men were reported as having had an addiction by their partner. Curiously, that was the exact rate of self-reporting by men that admitted to an addiction history.
The same stats for women, however, showed a deep divide between reported and self-reported percentages. The “normal bar” for American society is that anywhere from 25% to 45% believe their partner has had an addiction. An interesting aspect of this study is that it took a close look at gender differences in addictive behavior.
Some of these addictions have age cohorts. Obsessive video gaming is more highly correlated with younger men but has also been seen in men as old as 45. While men 45 and older tend to have more of a problem with porn. Generally speaking, the entire menu of addictive behavior is much more evenly balanced across the age spectrum. But there is one exception. For some reason, prescription drug abuse for women happens most often between the ages of 35 and 44. I also know that this study is 5 years old. I wonder if opioids would get more than an honorable mention if the same study were conducted today.
I was surprised by the data on addiction and marital conflict. Only 18% of women reported that their partner’s addiction was destroying their relationship (Northrup, Schwartz & Witte 2012). Almost half (48%) acknowledged that the addiction provoked relational difficulties from time to time.
What struck me was the size of the tolerant cohort among wives. More than a third (34%), reported that their partner’s addiction was not having an impact on the relationship. That is almost twice the rate of the directly opposite cohort who reported that the addiction was profoundly toxic to the marriage.
Men were even less concerned about addiction and marital conflict. Only 6% reported that their partner’s addiction was destroying the relationship. And while nearly half of women said that their partner’s addiction caused stress from time to time, only 37% of men felt the same way.
The largest cohort of men in this study (58%), reported that they felt that their partner’s addiction was not seriously impacting the relationship.
But the most intriguing finding in this study was that 28% of the participants in this study described themselves as happy or very happy in the relationship. Is this a permissive environment, and a comment on our values? No, because you have to look at all the numbers to get the full picture.
The study showed that those participants who never had a partner with an addiction history were 52% happily married. Now when we compare that with the much lower 28% figure who are happily married to an addict and we can imagine the social costs of addiction on happy marriages.
Another explanation for the 28% figure being so high is that there is an arc to addiction. There are many future DUI’s, and other regrettable incidents that will depress that happiness percentage over time.
Daniel is a Marriage and Family Therapist. He currently sees couples at Couples Therapy Inc. using EFT, Gottman Method, and the Developmental Model.