Boundaries in marriage and the notion of differentiation are closely intertwined concepts that impact the health and satisfaction of intimate relationships. Differentiation, a term first coined by Dr. Murray Bowen, refers to the level of individuality and autonomy each partner maintains within the marital system. It involves balancing the human needs for both togetherness and separateness. Achieving an optimal level of differentiation is essential for establishing appropriate boundaries in marriage and fostering a deep, meaningful connection between spouses.

Boundaries in marriage and the notion of differentiation

What are appropriate boundaries in marriage? And what do boundaries have to do with differentiation?

Differentiation is an idea that Dr. Murray Bowen first developed to describe the level of individuality present within a given family system.

In Bowen’s Family Systems model, the degree of differentiation achieved by each partner in young adulthood is seen as the meaning made out of experiences growing up in their family of origin.

Maybe your parents were fused emotionally and incapable of managing differences between themselves, and instead manage their anxiety by triangulating you into their marital conflict.

If that was the case, you may follow similar patterns of regulating your own marital anxiety.

Differing levels of differentiation, triangulation, and emotional reactivity are “vertical transmissions” in families across generations. According to Bowen (1978), your level of differentiation is fundamental to your capacity to achieve intimacy in marriage.

Levels of differentiation

Bowen describes two essential aspects of differentiation.

On the intrapsychic level, differentiation involves distinguishing between emotional and intellectual processing and the degree of choice a person expresses in choosing how they will behave in a conflict-laden situation.

Differentiation is the ability to manage and balance individuality (being separate) and togetherness (being connected) in marriage and other intimate relationships.

Stronger differentiation enables you to take an “I Feel” position, maintain a solid sense of self during an interpersonal conflict, maintain poise, problem-solve, and be able and willing to compromise.

Highly differentiated individuals are comfortable both with intimacy and autonomy and are more flexible during intimate conversations.

When under stress, less differentiated people are typically overwhelmed by emotions and either engage in emotional cutoffs or pursue enmeshment with intimate others (Kerr and Bowen 1988).

In other words, they can’t hold what they want and what their partner wants in mind at the same time.

Cutoffs and enmeshment

Partners who respond to tension in their marriage by emotionally cutting off tend to withdraw or distance themselves from their spouses rather than strive for connection and compromise.

Conversely, spouses who respond to stress by enmeshing with others seek closeness at any cost and feel anxious when there is a difference or separation.

Research tells us that these poorly differentiated stances eventually lead to a lack of marital satisfaction.

The more a couple or family system is differentiated, the more each person in that family system can advocate for themselves and pursue their own interests.

A well-differentiated couple respects that their spouse has their desires and aspirations. They respect boundaries around these differences and are not threatened by them.

A typical pattern of poorly differentiated marriages is when each spouse struggles with personal autonomy. Instead of respecting boundaries in marriage, poorly differentiated couples are often glued together in a toxic fusion called enmeshment.

Enmeshment and “meaningful suffering” in couples therapy

Differentiation in a marriage is kind of like growing pains. When you were a baby who stumbled and fell in your first wobbly attempt to walk, you didn’t exclaim, “That’s it! No way! This walking stuff is just too dangerous!”

Growth isn’t often fun or easy. We sometimes have to endure meaningful suffering to acquire life skills, such as building a stronger and more resilient relationship. The payoff is that a well-differentiated couple has a more honest, open, and intimate relationship than they ever had when they were enmeshed.

Typically, the differentiating partner who seeks to establish boundaries in marriage is met with a hostile “get back to where you belong” stance from their now-threatened partner. This partner may bicker, badger, cling, coerce, or compel their partner to return to enmeshment. The differentiating partner often responds by attempting to establish even more boundaries and differentiation.

This push-pull dynamic creates a great deal of suffering in a marriage and often drives a couple into therapy.

The clash of differentiation, enmeshment, and boundaries in marriage

Over time, as the limerent chemical soup subsides, spouses begin to identify their thoughts, feelings, and desires.

Without the crutch of idealized romantic love, they begin to experience moments of profound disappointment…then they protect themselves with the four horsemen.

This propels them headlong into a vicious circle that undermines healthy boundaries in marriage. The more they protect themselves and allow conflicts to escalate, the more they tear at the enmeshment that once was so comforting while simultaneously thwarting the potential for differentiation and healthy boundaries in marriage.

“Giving up your individuality to be together is as defeating in the long run as giving up your relationship to maintain your individuality. Either way, you end up being less of a person with less of a relationship.”

Dr. David Schnarch

Maintaining connection while strengthening differentiation

Good couples therapy will help couples strengthen their differentiation without feeling the need to abandon their beliefs or core values.

Our core values and beliefs come from our background, family of origin, and defining experiences.

These fundamental parts of ourselves are profoundly resistant to change.

This is why Gottman says that 69% of marital conflict is fundamentally unfixable. That’s what makes the idea of differentiation so scary.

Differentiation is an interpersonal process, not an intrapsychic process.

In other words, it happens between spouses and not in each partner’s individual imagination or thought process.

Developing boundaries… from enmeshment to healthy differentiation

As you might have guessed, attempts at differentiation can trigger profound anxiety. To soothe this anxiety, partners typically thwart any notions of separateness or difference that may arise.

The opposite of Differentiation is Enmeshment. Enmeshment is having poor boundaries regarding where your partner ends and you begin. Here are a few signs of an enmeshed marital dynamic:

  • One of your intimate relationships totally subordinates another, such as a client at her mother’s beck and call and always puts her husband second. Another client cut off speaking with his family entirely because his wife had a conflict with one of his siblings.
  • You feel that your happiness entirely depends on the health of your relationship, which, in turn, is wholly determined by your partner’s approval.
  • Whatever self-esteem you can muster is utterly dependent on your partner’s approval and endorsement.
  • Whenever there’s a conflict in your marriage, you collapse into fear or anxiety. You put your needs last and subordinate your desires to your partner’s wishes.
  • When you are separated from the person you are enmeshed with, you feel anxiety and a compulsion to make contact.
  • You have an “emotional contagion.” If they’re sad, anxious, angry, anxious, or depressed, you’re also sad, anxious, angry, anxious, or depressed. You’re like a sponge for what they are feeling. Their feelings are your feelings as well. Consequently, you find being with them unpleasant, so you avoid them.

4 tips for setting boundaries in marriage and getting out of enmeshment

1. Start with small changes and see what happens

You have to start somewhere. Start small. Use leverage on yourself. Be honest. What do you really want that you’re not speaking up about? Start practicing boundary-setting by creating small, even incremental, boundaries in your enmeshed marriage. But do it cleanly; don’t whine, blame, or criticize.

Here’s an example:

“You know Joe, I understand that your mom wants us over again for the holidays. But my family is starting to feel neglected. This would be the third year in a row we’re spending with your family. What would make me happy is if you called your mom and told her that we‘ve decided to spend this year with my family. But I’d like to offer her a visit instead on New Years Day instead. What do you think?”

2. Connect with cast-off and neglected parts of yourself

Don’t make it about judgment or blame. Stand up for what you want and make a peace offering. This is no time for a “scorched earth policy” or a litany of long-harbored, unspoken resentments.

Ask for what you want. Don’t leave an easy opening for passive-aggression or narcissistic injury to complicate the discussion.

Be concise, emotionally clean, and conciliatory.

Setting boundaries with care and finesse avoids the negative feedback loop of enmeshment. If you don’t have an excessively controlling partner, don’t complain that your partner is cornering you or is perpetually unfair.

Just be direct about what you want and hold a stance of positive expectancy.

Spend time by yourself doing things that feed your soul. Get comfortable having interests and passions that differ from your partner. Couples can acquire the skill to manage these differences without being threatened by regularly having meaningful conversations.

Science-based couples therapy can help you to understand why increasing your level of differentiation is a good idea. Your therapist can help you unpack your family of origin and safely guide you to appreciate the benefits of a more emotionally independent stance.

“When you build a fence around your yard, you do not build it to figure out the boundaries of your neighbor’s yard so that you can dictate to him how he is to behave. You build it around your own yard so that you can maintain control of what happens to your own property.”

Dr. John Townsend

3. Go deeper. Learn to experience and tolerate interpersonal discomfort

Don’t be afraid to disagree. Fighting a lot or a little has little impact on whether a relationship is great or terrible. It’s how you fight that matters. If you are uncomfortable fighting, share that with your partner and invite them to stay with the disagreement longer than usual. Try 5 minutes at first and then increase it to 10 minutes. Never go beyond 20 minutes unless both of you are enjoying the talk. Never more than 40 minutes, however.

4. Seek out good science-based couples therapy

By going deeper, couples develop emotional resilience to manage conflicts and personal differences. Empathetic connection strengthens intimacy and attachment. Marriage boundaries enhance intimacy and a stronger sense of self in relation to an intimate other. Science-based couples therapy helps teach couples the ins and outs of how to do this and why it’ss important.

Summary

Setting healthy boundaries in marriage is a critical aspect of the journey from enmeshment to differentiation. By engaging in science-based couples therapy, making small incremental changes, reconnecting with neglected parts of oneself, and learning to tolerate interpersonal discomfort, couples can break free from the confines of enmeshment and build a more resilient, fulfilling relationship. Ultimately, the goal is to create a marriage where both partners feel secure in their individuality while maintaining a strong, intimate bond. This delicate balance requires ongoing effort, communication, and mutual respect.