Let’s talk about something that can really hurt – when your partner tries to control you. It’s not always apparent at first. Sometimes it starts small like them getting upset when you want to see your friends, or they are telling you what to wear.
Control in relationships means one person trying to run the other person’s life. They might try to make all the decisions, tell you who you can talk to, or act like they always know what’s best for you. It can leave you feeling trapped, confused, and slowly losing your sense of self.
This matters because relationships should help both people grow and feel safe being themselves. When one person tries to control the other, it’s like trying to keep a plant from growing by putting it in a dark closet. Nobody thrives that way.
In this piece, we’ll look at what controlling behavior looks like (because sometimes it’s hard to spot), why it happens, and most importantly – what you can do about it. Whether you’re worried about your own relationship or trying to help someone you care about, understanding these patterns is the first step toward building something healthier.
You deserve to be with someone who wants to walk beside you, not ahead of you, telling you where to go.
Identifying Controlling Behavior in Relationships
Examples and Scenarios of Controlling Behavior
Manipulative Behavior: This occurs when one partner employs tactics like guilt-tripping or making threats to sway the other’s decisions. For instance, saying things like “If you cared about me, you would do what I want” or threatening consequences if the partner doesn’t comply with their wishes.
Isolation: When a partner intentionally limits or controls the other’s interactions with friends, family, or outside activities. For example, they may insist on knowing the details of every interaction or discourage their partners from spending time with anyone but themselves.
Constant Monitoring: This involves excessive checking of texts, calls, or whereabouts as a means of control. For instance, constantly demanding to know who the partner is talking to, where they are, or expecting immediate responses to messages or calls to maintain a sense of control over their activities.
These behaviors might initially seem subtle or caring but can gradually escalate to more controlling actions, undermining the partner’s autonomy and independence within the relationship.
Signs of Controlling Behavior
Identifying Controlling Behavior in Relationships
Red Flags to Watch Out For
Overly Critical Behavior: This involves consistently criticizing or belittling the partner to undermine their confidence or self-worth. For example, constantly nitpicking on the partner’s appearance, abilities, or choices makes them feel inadequate or unworthy.
Lack of Respect for Boundaries occurs when one partner disregards the other’s personal space, opinions, or decisions. An example might be when a partner insists on going through personal belongings without permission or dismisses the other’s opinions as irrelevant.
Gaslighting: Gaslighting is a form of power and control. It works when the manipulator successfully gets the target to question his/her reality. They no longer trust themselves and begin to trust only their romantic partner. A simple example would be that the target smells alcohol on the manipulator’s breath and asks, “Were you drinking?” and the manipulator, who is impaired, states calmly, “No, I haven’t touched a drop!”
Unilateral Decision-Making involves dominating significant decisions within the relationship without considering or valuing the partner’s input or desires. For instance, making significant choices about finances, living arrangements, or major life events without discussing them with the partner or considering their preferences. Sometimes this behavior is blatant, and sometimes it is passive-aggressive, as when the manipulator says, “Oh I decided that because I didn’t think you cared one way or the other about it.” This behavior can make the partner feel marginalized or powerless within the relationship.
Emotional and Behavioral Patterns of a Controlling Partner
Jealousy and Possessiveness: This arises when a partner feels threatened by the other’s interactions with friends, colleagues, or even family members, leading to possessive behavior. For instance, expressing discomfort or anger when the partner spends time with others, demanding constant updates on their whereabouts, or attempting to isolate them from social circles.
Need for Control: A controlling partner often desires to dictate the partner’s actions or decisions. This need for control typically stems from deep-seated insecurities or fears. For example, they always need to approve their partner’s choices, dictate their clothing or social activities, or pressure them to conform to their expectations.
Manipulative Tactics: Emotional manipulation strategies like guilt-tripping or gaslighting can be used to maintain dominance. These tactics might involve making the partner feel guilty for wanting personal space or questioning the validity of their feelings and experiences. For example, they might say things like, “If you loved me, you wouldn’t need time alone,” or deny or distort facts to confuse the partner’s perception of reality. These tactics aim to undermine the partner’s confidence and autonomy within the relationship.
Impact on the Victim’s Well-being and Mental Health
Emotional Distress: Victims of controlling behavior often experience emotional distress due to constant scrutiny and feeling trapped or suffocated within the relationship. For instance, the partner’s continuous monitoring or controlling behavior can lead to a persistent feeling of being watched or judged, causing heightened stress and discomfort.
Decreased Self-Esteem: Continuous criticism and control gradually erode the victim’s self-confidence and self-worth. When a partner consistently belittles or undermines their choices and abilities, the victim may start doubting themselves and their capabilities, leading to a diminished sense of self-worth.
Anxiety and Isolation: Victims often feel anxious due to the fear of repercussions for not meeting their controlling partner’s expectations. This fear can result in anxiety about making decisions or taking actions without the partner’s approval. Moreover, the controlling behavior might lead to isolation from support networks, as the victim might feel unable to reach out for help or maintain connections with friends and family due to the partner’s interference or disapproval. This sense of isolation can exacerbate feelings of anxiety and helplessness.
Understanding the Root Causes of Controlling Behavior
Psychological Factors
Insecurity and Low Self-Esteem: Controlling behavior can often be traced back to profound insecurities or a lack of self-assurance. Individuals grappling with low self-esteem might attempt to assert control in relationships to find stability and assurance. For instance, someone feeling inadequate might seek control to compensate for their perceived shortcomings.
Need for Power and Dominance: Some individuals possess an inherent desire for power and control due to personality traits or upbringing. This need for dominance can be deeply ingrained and may manifest in relationships, with individuals seeking to control situations and people around them to affirm their authority. Rather than seeing interactions as collaborative and team-oriented, they view interactions as a “win-lose” dynamic. These manipulators are disinterested in compromise or problem-solving. They consider that a sign of weakness or giving the opponent the advantage.
Past Experiences and Trauma
History of Abuse or Neglect: Those who have endured abuse or neglect in their past might exhibit controlling behavior in relationships. This behavior could stem from a subconscious effort to regain a sense of control over their lives after experiencing traumatic situations where control was taken away from them.
Unresolved Emotional Issues: Trauma or unresolved emotional turmoil from past experiences can significantly impact relationship behavior. Individuals struggling with unresolved emotions might resort to controlling tendencies as a coping mechanism, aiming to manage their emotions or situations that evoke discomfort.
Understanding these psychological factors and past experiences helps comprehend why individuals may engage in controlling behavior within their intimate relationships. However, far too many targets try to find a deeper understanding of what motivates their manipulator to do what they do instead of focusing on the controlling behavior itself and expecting it to stop. If the controlling partner justifies their manipulative behavior because of a history of Developmental trauma or unresolved emotional issues, this, itself, is manipulative. In this case, the focus is taken off the behavior and its effects and onto why they should not be expected to change.
Effects on Relationships
How Controlling Behavior Affects the Dynamics of an Intimate Relationship
Controlling behavior significantly alters the dynamics within intimate relationships. It creates an imbalance of power and disrupts the natural harmony between partners. For instance, when one partner controls the other’s decisions or actions, it undermines the equality and mutual respect essential for a healthy relationship. Over time, this imbalance can lead to feelings of resentment and dissatisfaction.
Communication Breakdown and Erosion of Trust
Controlling behavior often leads to a breakdown in communication between partners. Open and honest communication becomes challenging when one person dictates or manipulates the other’s thoughts and actions. For instance, if a partner constantly criticizes or dismisses the other’s opinions, it creates an environment where sharing thoughts or feelings feels unsafe. Consequently, trust erodes as the controlled partner hesitates to express themselves authentically.
Long-term Consequences on the Relationship’s Health
The long-term consequences of persistent controlling behavior can harm the relationship’s health. It can lead to emotional detachment and a loss of intimacy between partners. For example, a control pattern can create emotional distance, where one partner feels suffocated while the other feels disconnected. Ultimately, if unaddressed, controlling behavior can result in the dissolution of the relationship or leave lasting emotional scars even if the relationship continues. Over time, the relationship’s overall health deteriorates, impacting both individuals’ well-being.
These effects illustrate how controlling behavior can profoundly impact an intimate relationship’s dynamics, communication, and overall health, highlighting the importance of addressing and resolving such behavior for the relationship’s sustenance and well-being.
Addressing Controlling Behavior
Addressing controlling behavior within an intimate relationship requires a multi-faceted approach that involves both the victim and the partner exhibiting controlling tendencies.
Strategies for Victims to Recognize and Respond to Controlling Behavior
- Building Awareness and Acknowledging the Issue: Victims of controlling behavior often face challenges in recognizing the signs due to subtle manipulation or emotional dependency. Building awareness involves educating oneself about healthy relationship dynamics and recognizing red flags. Acknowledging the problem is the crucial first step toward effecting change. Trusting one’s instincts and not normalizing controlling behavior as acceptable conduct within the relationship is essential.
- Setting Boundaries and Seeking Support: Clear boundaries is pivotal in reclaiming autonomy and establishing healthy relationship dynamics. Victims must assert their boundaries firmly and communicate these boundaries to their partners. Seeking support from trusted friends, family, or professionals can offer guidance and emotional support during this challenging process. Support networks can provide validation and reinforce the victim’s decision to address and confront controlling behavior.
Approaches for the Partner Displaying Controlling Behavior
- Encouraging Open Communication and Empathy: Encouraging open and honest communication is fundamental in addressing controlling behavior. Both partners should engage in respectful dialogue, allowing the controlled partner to express their feelings and concerns without fear of retribution. Empathy plays a crucial role in understanding each other’s perspectives. The controlling partner should actively listen, acknowledge the impact of their behavior, and express a willingness to change.
- Seeking Therapy or Counseling: Seeking professional help through therapy or counseling sessions can provide a structured and supportive environment for addressing controlling behavior. Trained therapists can facilitate discussions, offer strategies for healthy communication, and assist in exploring the root causes behind controlling tendencies. Therapy provides a safe space for both partners to work through underlying issues and develop constructive strategies for positive change.
Recognizing the problem, setting boundaries, fostering open communication, and seeking professional guidance are essential to addressing and mitigating controlling behavior and fostering healthier and more equitable relationships.
Healthy Relationship Dynamics
Characteristics of a Healthy and Balanced Relationship
In a healthy relationship, partners foster an environment of mutual support, trust, and understanding. They actively listen to concerns, respect boundaries, and nurture each other’s growth. For instance, a couple demonstrating a healthy dynamic might share responsibilities equitably, make joint decisions, and offer emotional support during challenging times without one partner exerting control over the other’s choices or actions.
The Importance of Mutual Respect, Trust, and Autonomy
Mutual respect forms the cornerstone of a healthy relationship. Each partner values the other’s opinions, boundaries, and individuality. For example, in a healthy relationship, both partners respect each other’s personal space and hobbies without feeling threatened or attempting to control these aspects.
Trust is a foundation, fostering a sense of security and reliability within the relationship. Partners rely on each other’s honesty and consistency. An example of trust in action is when partners share their vulnerabilities without fear of judgment or betrayal.
Autonomy allows each partner to maintain their individual identities and pursuits outside the relationship. Healthy relationships support personal growth and independence. For instance, partners encourage each other to pursue individual goals and hobbies, recognizing the importance of personal fulfillment alongside the relationship.
Cultivating Healthy Communication and Conflict Resolution Skills
Healthy communication involves active listening, empathy, and clear expression of thoughts and feelings. Partners communicate openly and honestly without fear of reprisal. In a healthy relationship, partners discuss concerns respectfully, listen attentively and work together to find solutions considering both perspectives.
Conflict resolution skills are crucial in navigating disagreements constructively. Partners in a healthy relationship focus on finding compromises and solutions rather than escalating conflicts. They seek to understand each other’s viewpoints and work towards resolutions that benefit both. An example might be partners discussing and deciding between different preferences or viewpoints without resorting to controlling or manipulative behavior.
Cultivating these aspects fosters a relationship built on trust, understanding, and support, creating a strong foundation for long-term happiness and fulfillment for both partners.
When Couples Therapy isn’t Appropriate
While couples therapy can be immensely beneficial for many relationship issues, there are instances where it might not be suitable or effective in addressing controlling behaviors within a relationship:
- Safety Concerns: If there’s a history of physical or severe emotional abuse, couples therapy might not be the safest option initially. In cases where there’s a significant power imbalance or ongoing threats, individual safety becomes a priority. In such instances, seeking individual therapy or support for the victim is crucial to ensure their immediate safety and well-being.
- Partners who seek to control by extreme raging, threats, and physical violence are inappropriate for couples therapy and should be screened out. When a couple regularly experiences domestic violence (DV), it’s called Characterological Violence. Gottman has carefully researched these couples. He says it’s irresponsible, unethical, and, in some states, even against the law to conduct couples therapy if Characterological Violence is a feature of the relationship. Over 40% of all couples have had at least one incident of situational violence in their marital history. This can be worked with in couples therapy. Situational Violence occurs most often with couples who lack conflict resolution skills. Learning self-regulation and conflict-management skills is often effective.
- Unwillingness to Change: If the partner displaying controlling behavior is unwilling to acknowledge or change their behavior, couples therapy might be counterproductive. Therapy requires active participation and a genuine commitment from both partners to address the issues. If one partner refuses to engage or denies the existence of controlling behavior, the therapy sessions may not yield positive outcomes.
- Lack of Emotional Readiness: If one or both partners are not emotionally prepared or are resistant to addressing deep-seated issues, couples therapy might not be effective. It requires a level of emotional openness and readiness to explore vulnerabilities and past traumas, especially in cases where controlling behavior stems from unresolved emotional issues.
- There is no “hook” or consequence for the behavior: While no one “deserves” to be in an abusive relationship, often there has to be a growing intolerance for immature, manipulative, or controlling behavior on the part of the target. If the target is willing to remain the target indefinitely and hopes that someone else will convince the controlling partner to change, there is little hope of that happening.
- Continued Manipulation in Therapy: In some cases, the partner exhibiting controlling behavior might manipulate or continue their controlling tactics within therapy sessions. This can hinder progress and create an unsafe or unproductive environment for both partners. For example, the passive-aggressive covert narcissist may act concerned and motivated to change in the therapy, demonstrating what a “good patient” they are and expressing “concern” for their partner. However, in reality, they may find the entire process distasteful and go only to get their partner to stay and continue to be manipulated.
In situations where couples therapy might not be appropriate or advisable due to safety concerns, resistance to change, emotional unreadiness, or continued manipulation, seeking individual therapy for both partners or focusing initially on the controlled partner’s safety and healing becomes essential.
In these cases, individual therapy can help address underlying issues, build resilience, and provide tools for setting boundaries and navigating the relationship more safely. Once safety and individual well-being are established, couples therapy or joint sessions might be reconsidered if both partners are willing to actively engage in addressing the controlling behaviors safely and constructively.
Final Thoughts
The complexities of controlling behavior within intimate relationships demand a nuanced and multi-dimensional approach to resolution. Recognizing these behaviors, understanding their impact, and addressing their underlying causes are vital to fostering healthier relationships. Strategies for both victims and partners displaying controlling tendencies aim to restore autonomy, nurture communication, encourage mutual respect, and place accountability where it belongs.
Healthy relationship dynamics, characterized by mutual respect, trust, and open communication, provide a roadmap for nurturing fulfilling partnerships. Cultivating these aspects not only ensures the well-being of individuals but also strengthens the relationship’s foundation.
However, while couples therapy is a valuable resource for many relationship challenges, it’s essential to acknowledge situations that might not be appropriate or effective. Safety concerns, unwillingness to change, emotional unreadiness, and continued manipulation can hinder the efficacy of couples therapy in addressing controlling behaviors. In such cases, prioritizing individual therapy for safety, healing, and boundary-setting becomes paramount.
Understanding the limitations of couples therapy in specific contexts underscores the importance of prioritizing safety, well-being, and a conducive environment for meaningful change. By focusing on individual growth and safety, couples can pave the way for future collaborative efforts towards healthier and more equitable relationships.
