I sat across from Amanda and Andrew in my intensive therapy office as they described their repeated argument about dirty dishes. ‘We’re fighting all the time,’ Amanda sighed. ‘That must mean something’s wrong, right?’
Actually, their conflicts might indicate something surprisingly positive. As a couples therapist for over 30 years, I’ve discovered that disagreements – when handled with understanding – often signal investment and care rather than dysfunction. Let’s explore why conflict might be the unexpected strength your relationship needs. Conflict in relationships often gets a bad rap. The notion that two people are constantly at odds might immediately conjure images of a troubled partnership. However, delving deeper reveals a surprising truth—healthy conflict can actually be a sign of a strong relationship. Let’s explore the advantages that conflicts bring to relationships.
The Messy Dilemma: A Story of Unspoken Discomfort
Imagine the frustration of dealing with a perpetually messy house caused by your partner. Initially, you avoid confrontation to prevent upsetting them, letting the issue linger. But as the chaos mounts, the discomfort intensifies. While a breakup may seem easier than addressing the mess, nurturing a serious relationship demands openness. Initiating conversations about concerns, done thoughtfully, can strengthen the relationship’s foundation and illustrate your commitment to its growth.
The Power of Understanding in Conflict Resolution
Effective conflict resolution hinges on mutual understanding. Research by Amie M. Gordon and Serena Chen (2015) highlights that frequent fights don’t necessarily dampen relationship satisfaction if both partners feel understood. In fact, discussions that foster comprehension of each other’s perspectives often lead to increased satisfaction post-conflict. These conflicts provide invaluable insights into your partner’s thoughts and motivations, offering a deeper connection and understanding within the relationship.
According to Gordon and Chen’s research:
- 80% of couples who felt understood during conflicts maintained stable relationship satisfaction, even during disagreements
- Partners who reported feeling understood were 3x more likely to see positive relationship growth after arguments
- Couples experiencing frequent conflicts but high mutual understanding showed similar satisfaction levels to couples with low conflict
- The positive effects of feeling understood during conflict remained consistent across both short-term and long-distance relationships
- Partners who felt understood during arguments were 65% more likely to report feeling closer afterward
Fitting the Situation
Researchers today are expanding their understanding of conflict to include multiple dimensions (McNulty & Overall, 2025). First, there are no universal “good” or “bad” ways to handle conflict with your partner. Think of it like choosing an outfit—what works perfectly in one situation might be completely wrong in another. Sometimes, a calm discussion is best; other times, showing strong emotions might be necessary. These dyadic patterns emphasize that building tailored responsiveness to promote conflict resolution requires couples being able and willing to identify, communicate, and respond to each other’s specific needs (Overall, 2023).
What Makes Understanding So Crucial During Arguments?
What really matters is understanding the “why” behind how conflict affects both you and your partner. My client Jasmine and her husband struggled with their different approaches to handling disagreements. She needed to process things out loud, while he preferred quiet reflection. Neither way was wrong – they just needed to understand why each person responded differently.
The effectiveness of how we handle conflict depends on so many moving pieces:
- What’s happening in the moment
- Each person’s emotional state
- The relationship’s history
- Outside stressors affecting either partner
- The specific issue being discussed
Responsiveness vs Techniques
What this means for real relationships is that there is no one-size-fits-all approach to handling disagreements. Sometimes, you might need to be direct and firm, other times gentle and patient. The key is learning to read the situation and adjust your approach accordingly.
Think of it like having different tools in your relationship toolbox. You wouldn’t use a hammer for every home repair job, right? Similarly, you need different communication strategies for different relationship moments.
McNulty and Overall (2025) propose a new way of thinking about couple communication that considers all these moving parts. They describe it as a dance in which both partners need to stay attuned to each other and the moment, constantly adjusting their steps to stay in sync.
What this means for you: Instead of searching for the “right” way to handle conflict, focus on developing flexibility in your communication style. Learn to read the room, understand your partner’s needs in the moment, and choose your approach accordingly. That’s what makes the difference between constructive conflict and harmful arguments.
Remember, the goal isn’t to avoid conflict altogether – it’s to handle it in a way that strengthens rather than weakens your relationship.
Conflict: A Sign of Care and Connection
Contrary to popular belief, relationships devoid of conflict may not be as close as they seem. Addressing disagreements signifies care, while collaboratively resolving issues showcases understanding and problem-solving prowess. Confronting conflicts nurtures a stronger relationship rather than allowing tensions to simmer and hoping for spontaneous resolutions. Psychologist Michael Batshaw aptly notes that avoiding conflict, not engaging in it, might threaten a relationship’s longevity.
Conflicts aren’t villains in relationships but opportunities for growth and understanding. Couples can build deeper connections and stronger bonds by embracing and effectively addressing conflicts.
References
Gordon, A. & Chen, S. (2015). Do You Get Where I’m Coming From?: Perceived Understanding Buffers Against the Negative Impact of Conflict on Relationship Satisfaction. Journal of personality and social psychology. 110. 10.1037/pspi0000039.
McNulty, J. & Overall, N. (2025). Conflict in couple relationships. Research Handbook on Couple and Family Relationships
Chapter: 14. Cheltenham, UK: Edward Elga10.4337/9781035309269.00023.
Overall, N. (2023). Constructive Conflict Resolution Requires Tailored Responsiveness to Specific Needs. Current Opinion in Psychology. 52. 101638. 10.1016/j.copsyc.2023.101638.
