Revised 9/28/2023

In our previous exploration of “Understanding Different Types of Affairs,” we examined how infidelity manifests in various forms, each with distinct patterns and motivations. We delved deeply into Split-Self Affairs, where partners maintain compartmentalized relationships over extended periods, often creating entirely separate emotional lives.

Now, we turn to a fundamentally different phenomenon: Exit Affairs – a type of infidelity that signals the end of a relationship rather than an attempt to maintain dual connections. Unlike Split-Self Affairs, where the involved partner wants to keep both relationships intact, Exit Affairs serves a singular purpose: providing a pathway out of the primary relationship.

“I don’t love you anymore, but I didn’t want to hurt your feelings by telling you that directly. So I had an affair. Now you know. I want a divorce.”

Is your relationship headed for a breakup? Watch out for the telltale signs of an “exit affair.”

We’ve all heard the cliché: “Once a cheater, always a cheater.” But research shows this isn’t always the case. However, some affairs aren’t really about sex or emotional connection – they’re an exit strategy. If your partner is checking out of the marriage, an exit affair may be their final move before calling it quits.

The involved partner is usually conflict-avoidant. They’ve been unhappy for years but have just stopped complaining. The hurt partner interprets the silence as “everything is fine.” Nothing could be further from the truth.

While there appears to be some guilt about leaving their primary relationship, there is excitement about their new life. They may actively make arrangements, such as finding a new place to live, consulting with divorce attorneys, or consulting a financial advisor to divide assets. Then, they disclose.

An exit affair is a double-emotional sucker punch to the face of the hurt partner. Not only do you find out that your partner has had an affair (distressing enough), but they also have no interest in processing this affair with you or apologizing for it.

They just want out.

While not all kinds of affairs are exit affairs, these types are linked explicitly to a partner’s intention to end the marriage.

What the Research Says

Studies suggest that exit affairs occur when one partner has already decided to end the relationship. Rather than confronting the issues directly, they seek out an affair as a way to force the issue and prompt a breakup.

In one study, 40% of divorced individuals reported their marriage ended because one spouse left for a new partner.1 Another survey of 5,000 people found that over half of the “final straw” reasons for divorce involved infidelity, either emotional or physical.2

Experts believe that an exit affair provides a sense of distance and detachment from the primary relationship. “The appeal of an exit affair is that it allows the person to avoid the pain of addressing those difficult feelings and the hard work of either fixing or ending the relationship,” explains psychologist Karen Ruskin, Psy.D.3

While Split-Self Affairs involve maintaining both relationships, Exit Affairs are expressly about ending the primary relationship. Let’s examine how to recognize when an affair signals a partner’s exit strategy…

Warning Signs of an Exit Affair


How can you spot the signs that your partner’s affair is really a prelude to divorce? Here are some red flags to watch out for:

  • Sudden emotional distance and withdrawal of affection
  • Unwillingness to discuss relationship issues or attend couples counseling
  • Making unfair comparisons between you and the affair partner
  • Rewriting your relationship history to seem unhappy
  • Consulting with divorce lawyers or making financial moves behind your back
  • Having one foot out the door and seeming “checked out” of the marriage

Exit affairs can be incredibly hurtful to the betrayed partner. Not only must they grapple with the pain of infidelity, but they face the secondary shock of learning their partner wants to end the marriage. It’s a double whammy of heartbreak and abandonment.

The Involved Partner

  • They will use the affair to avoid difficult conversations. They need to discuss the many decisions associated with separation; they just don’t want to do so. For this reason, an exit affair is also known as a “divorce affair” or “break-up affair.”
  • Most of the time, it is clear to everyone that this affair partner is not their “one true love.” The affair partner is a bookmark.
  • The relationship with the affair partner can be emotional, sexual, or both, but it’s not usually long-term.
  • Sometimes, it is with the same sex. The Involved Partner may be aware that they are gay or lesbian for a long time. Now, they let their partner in on it through the affair.
  • They have been unhappy for a long time, and now they want to have fun. They aren’t looking to become part of a married couple or fall in love. They just want to feel good.
  • In this type of affair, they aren’t seeking a genuinely caring relationship. They instead turn to someone else for emotional support, understanding, and companionship. Their affair partner may be in their own exit affair with the Involved Partner.
  • The Involved Partner frequently spends years alone, evading commitment and emotional “imprisonment.” 
  • Research tells us that exit affairs rarely endure and are unstable beyond the divorce. In cases where exit affair partners stay together and marry, most have run their course in about 18 months or so. They often leave the illicit relationship once the divorce has been finalized.
  • Research tells us that exit affairs are fundamentally unstable. An intense exit affair may lead to a hasty marriage with an affair partner. The failure of these marriages can be an incredible drain on all involved.
  • The affair partner becomes a lightning rod of high emotion for both partners. To the Involved Partners, they are the saints who have brought them to life. To the Hurt Partner, they are the thief who has stolen a loving partner.

The Self-involvement of the Involved Partner

The Involved Partner accepts no responsibility for the failure of the marriage. Their initial concern is “Can I get you to agree to let me go? “Can’t you see how bad it is? How could you possibly want me to stay?” 

They never truly grapple with their role in the “as-if” marriage. They look to their partner to validate the wisdom of their solo decision to divorce.

The second group of questions that grips them is,

  • “Do I still have it?
  • Can I still want to be close to someone?
  • Does someone desire me?
  • Am I worthy of someone getting close to me?
  • Doesn’t my happiness in this new relationship confirm that I’m not the problem in my marriage?”

It is possible for clients to “snap out” of exit affairs. It requires the Involved Partner to reflect on how the exit affair is often little more than a convenient vehicle for ending their marriage. It also requires them to question whether the affair deserves such a heavy emotional and financial commitment. Finally, it requires serious soul-searching about the Involved Partner’s role in the deadness and distance in the marriage. Most exit affairs are strategic. Many of these Involved Partners stop complaining and go dark. They’re tired of talking and not being heard.

When the Involved spouse is ready to engage in such a journey, the marriage can come alive again.

The Hurt Partner

  • For the Hurt Partner, being abandoned and deceived can be an incredibly devastating combination. Exit affairs can cause significantly more distress as the anguish of unfaithfulness amplifies the sorrow of being made redundant. It is made more so by the obvious desire of their long-term partner to feel great…without them.
  • Most Involved Partners will play a waiting game, tolerating their predicament until they meet or create the circumstances that can ease their exit. This is important for the Hurt Partner to accept. This has been a long-term plan. It is only news to you.
  • Some Hurt Partners break down or respond in attack mode under the strain. They use their rage to distract themselves from their own intense grief. The suffering of these Hurt Partners is great and the need for wise counsel is obvious. I have seen a lot of dignity and self-possession as well and have marveled at their strength.
  • That’s why getting help managing your emotions is critical. I tell hurt partners to avoid the affair partner and focus on taking care of themselves to manage strong emotions.
  • The Involved Partner sees couples therapy as “first aid” to link their bewildered and grief-stricken partner with a mental health professional who can support them through the divorce.
  • A Hurt Partner’s anger allows the Involved Partner to defer any reflection about their contribution. It confirms the hopelessness of reconciliation, clearing the way for them to exit.

When it happens

People often launch emotional affairs after experiencing a significant turning point. Sometimes, it is at retirement, graduating from school or getting a promotion, the children leaving home, or the death of a parent. The involved partner has often been in the relationship longer than they wanted to but may have been waiting for the “right time” to leave.

Exit Affair vs. Conflict Avoidant Affairs: A Deeper Comparison

Both Exit Affairs and Conflict Avoidant Affairs share a foundation in communication breakdown, but their underlying motivations and desired outcomes couldn’t be more different. Understanding these distinctions is crucial for both therapists and couples navigating infidelity.

In both types, there is often an unconscious desire for the affair to be discovered, but for diametrically opposite reasons:

Communication Intent

  • Conflict Avoidant Affairs: The subliminal message is, “I want you to pay attention to me so I can feel wanted and stay.” These affairs often function as a desperate, albeit dysfunctional, attempt to revitalize a relationship that has grown emotionally stagnant.
  • Exit Affairs: The underlying communication is, “I need you to pay attention to me so you can clearly see that there is a good reason for you to want me to leave.” The affair becomes undeniable evidence that the relationship is beyond repair.

Emotional Investment

  • Conflict Avoidant Affairs: These are typically superficial and perfunctory. The emotional investment remains primarily with the marital or committed relationship, with the affair serving as an escape valve for unmet needs.
  • Exit Affairs: These are turbulent, dramatic, and emotionally charged. The involved partner redirects their emotional energy toward the affair partner, who becomes an idealized attachment figure representing freedom and possibility.

Attitudes Toward the Hurt Partner’s Pain

  • Conflict Avoidant Affairs: The involved partner often shows genuine remorse and is willing to work on the relationship once confronted. They may have been unconsciously hoping for this confrontation to force change.
  • Exit Affairs: The involved partner maintains emotional distance from their partner’s pain. It’s a distant “sorry you got hurt,” not “sorry that I hurt you.” They keep their partner’s suffering at arm’s length to avoid getting pulled back into the relationship.

Response to Discovery

  • Conflict Avoidant Affairs: Discovery often leads to crisis but can become a turning point for authentic communication and relationship repair.
  • Exit Affairs: Discovery is the planned catalyst for separation and divorce proceedings. The Hurt Partner’s distress is anticipated but viewed pragmatically as a necessary transition cost.

This fundamental difference explains why therapeutic approaches must be tailored to the specific affair type. What works for a couple dealing with a Conflict Avoidant Affair may be entirely inappropriate for those facing an Exit Affair.

Case Example

John and Mary had been married for 15 years when John discovered Mary was having an affair with her college boyfriend. He was shocked and heartbroken. He wanted to work on the marriage, but Mary was checked out.

In couples therapy, Mary admitted she’d been unhappy for years and had reconnected with her old flame as an exit strategy. “I didn’t have the courage to tell John how I really felt, so I let myself get swept up in the affair,” she said. “It was wrong, but a part of me hoped John would just end it.”

John felt betrayed on multiple levels – that Mary had cheated, lied, and didn’t want to fight for their marriage. The revelation of the affair, while devastating, finally forced the couple to confront the deeper issues in their relationship that they’d been avoiding.

Mary didn’t want to stay because she knew she’d have to confront many issues she’d rather ignore. John fluctuated (as these spouses often do) between outrage that she had the affair, and fear and grief that confronting her harshly would drive her away. Like many in his situation, his anger came front and center when he finally realized that she didn’t want to work on the marriage. The Discernment Counseling helped him to sort through his conflicting feelings one-to-one with the counselor alone.

The role couples therapy plays

  1. The hurt partner may want to seek professional help. The involved spouse demonstrates little interest in any form of relationship repair. They just want out. They are ready to move on. They show little interest or investment in working things out.
  2. Many partners in exit affairs spouses report emotional gridlock around their unaddressed needs in the marriage. They may have tried repeatedly in the past to discuss their issues but were met with either indifference, resistance, or bad faith. However, these complaints currently serve more as a buffer and excuse than a sincere attempt to improve things. They understand that the affair is designed to bulldoze their marital home while their spouse still lives there. That’s the crux of it. That’s the strategy.
  3. If the involved spouse brings their partner to therapy, the purpose is to cushion the blow. They are aware that the disclosure of the affair will be shattering. The request for divorce is more so. So, as I like to say, it isn’t actually couples therapy, it is a ‘theatre production.’
  4. They attend couples therapy (if it’s over in a weekend, so much the better…) to demonstrate to children, important family members, and others that they’ve made “every attempt” to salvage the marriage. However, this isn’t done in good faith.
  5. Before the BIG BIG Book, our extensive assessment, the problem was a mystery, and I was left to figure out if there was any possibility of improving the relationship. Often because the affair wasn’t disclosed, the Involved Partner would have few specific complaints that we could work on. They seemed more globally unhappy and disinterested in change. 
  6. At a certain point, with timing I wasn’t privy to, the Involved Partner would announce that the marriage would never work. They are leaving.
  7. Now, I can know the truth after asking 800–1000 questions upfront. I then suggest discernment counseling (not couples therapy), where I can learn about the affair while keeping their complete confidence.

Summary and Next Steps

The exit affair is an emotional camouflage. They typically occur just before separation and are the drama that precedes marital collapse. They are a convenient excuse for the marriage’s failure, but the marriage fell apart before the affair happened.

The Involved Partner seeks to alleviate their guilt by cajoling the hurt partner into “releasing them.” They offer the affair as the best evidence to support that decision.

The essential characteristic of Exit Affairs is the profound emotional disconnection emanating from the Involved Partner. While they are typically uncomfortable with the hurt partner’s pain, the hurt partner’s rage can be a confirming solace to the Involved Partner. It lets them off the hook.

We have done couples therapy with partners who were originally in exit affairs with each other as the paramours. They were both married to someone else when they began the affair and ended up marrying each other. The anger, frustration, and disappointment in these marriages are often profound. Each expected the other to be their “salvation” and doorway into a new and happier life. However, because each tends to avoid bringing up issues (the patterns in their first marriages), these issues ferment and worsen. They have, as I often say “Brought themselves and all of their unresolved conflicts into the new relationship.”

Conclusion: The Pattern of Infidelity

As we’ve explored in our series on different types of affairs, infidelity is rarely a simple matter of moral failing. Rather, it reveals deeper patterns in relationships and within individuals themselves. From the compartmentalization of Split-Self Affairs to the escape hatches of Exit Affairs, each type tells a story about communication, emotional connection, and relationship dynamics.

As noted in our introduction, affairs rarely happen suddenly. They develop through “a series of hundreds of minor decisions” where honesty is gradually compromised, boundaries slowly eroded, and emotional investments redirected. For the Hurt Partner, recognizing these patterns can be crucial in the healing process.

Whether you’re currently experiencing the aftermath of an exit affair or concerned about warning signs in your relationship, remember that knowledge is power. Understanding the mechanics of exit affairs can help hurt partners avoid unnecessary self-blame and focus instead on their own emotional healing.

In our final article in this series, we’ll explore Emotional Affairs – relationships that may never cross physical boundaries but can be equally devastating to trust and intimacy. These affairs often operate in a gray area that makes them particularly difficult to identify and address, yet they can be either the precursors to other affair types or relationship breaches in their own right.

References:

  1. Hawkins, A.J., Allen, S.E., & Allen, K.R. (2015). Reasons for Divorce: Perspectives of Divorcing Individuals in Utah. Journal of Family Issues, 36(10), 1262-1289.
  2. McDermott, R., Fowler, J.H., & Christakis, N.A. (2013). Breaking Up Is Hard to Do, Unless Everyone Else Is Doing It Too: Social Network Effects on Divorce in a Longitudinal Sample. Social Forces, 92(2), 491-519.
  3. https://www.abebooks.com/9781500964467/Seconds-Mental-Health-200-Tips-1500964468/plp