Have you ever noticed how we only call plumbers when there’s a crisis? The toilet is overflowing, the shower won’t drain, or worse—sewage is backing up into your beautiful home. By that point, it’s too late for prevention; you’re in full-on damage control mode. As a clinical psychologist who’s spent over three decades working with couples, I can tell you that relationships often follow this same pattern. We ignore minor irritations until they build up and suddenly—emotional flooding occurs. The “poop” are the cruel things we say in anger, the resentments we’ve held on to for decades, the biting insults.
The Plumbing Metaphor: John Gottman’s Brilliant Insight
John Gottman, the renowned relationship researcher, once made a comment that couples therapists are essentially emotional plumbers. We deal with the “poop in the pipes” of relationships—those inevitable irritations, annoyances, and disappointments that occur when two humans share their lives.
This metaphor is both amusing and profoundly accurate. Just as you need to “flush” the waste in your plumbing system to function properly, your relationship requires consistent emotional processing to prevent backup and flooding.
What Happens When the Pipes Get Clogged
When small irritations go unaddressed, they don’t simply disappear. They accumulate, like hair in a drain or waste in a pipe. Eventually, this buildup creates blockages in your emotional plumbing system. Then one day, something relatively minor happens—maybe your partner forgets to call when they’ll be late—and suddenly you’re experiencing what Gottman calls “emotional flooding.”
Flooding is precisely what it sounds like: you become overwhelmed with negative emotions. Your heart races, your breathing becomes shallow, and your ability to think clearly diminishes significantly. You’re physiologically in fight-or-flight mode, which makes productive conversation virtually impossible.¹
“During flooding, people feel overwhelmed and disorganized,” explains Gottman. “Their heart rates increase significantly. They’re literally in a state where they cannot take in new information.”²
The Kiss Test
Want to check if there is poop in your pipe? Reach out to kiss your partner and see how long the kiss lasts. If you or your partner have poop in your plumbing, it will be hard to keep the kiss going for the 6-seconds that Gottman says holds “promise.” Or try a 20-second hug as well. That’s long enough to release oxytocin. If you can only pull off kissing each other like kissing a grandmother it may be a sign poop may be present.
It turns out that men who give their wives pecks on the cheek before they leave for work live 5 years longer, according to one German study Gottman quotes.4 It may actually prolong your life to move that poop through those pipes!
April 2 is World Autism Day. Let’s celebrate those who “think differently.” They change the world.
The Sound Relationship House: A Well-Maintained Plumbing System
In Gottman’s Sound Relationship House theory, he outlines what constitutes a healthy relationship infrastructure. One critical component is the ability to accept influence from your partner and manage conflict constructively—essentially, having properly functioning emotional pipes.
Making specific, gentle complaints when you’re irritated serves as regular “flushes” that move the emotional waste through the system before it can accumulate and cause damage. These complaints aren’t criticisms or contempt; they’re requests for change focused on behavior rather than character.
For example:
- Instead of: “You never help around here! You’re so lazy!”
- Try: “I felt overwhelmed yesterday when I came home to a messy kitchen after a long day. Could we work out a plan for keeping it tidy?”
The first approach clogs the pipes with criticism and defensiveness. The second approach keeps the emotional plumbing flowing smoothly.
Modern Expectations vs. Reality
One fascinating aspect of contemporary relationships is our expectation that our partners shouldn’t irritate us. Previous generations understood something we seem to have forgotten: people are inherently annoying sometimes.
Our grandparents didn’t expect perpetual marital bliss. They knew marriage included dealing with their partner’s quirks, habits, and differences. Modern couples, however, often believe that if they’re with the “right person,” irritation shouldn’t happen.
This unrealistic expectation creates additional pressure. Not only are you annoyed by your partner’s behavior, but you’re also concerned that feeling annoyed might mean something is fundamentally wrong with your relationship.
Let me assure you: irritation is inevitable in any long-term relationship. The question isn’t whether you’ll experience it, but how you’ll handle it when it arises.
What Gottman’s Research Really Shows About Fighting
One of Gottman’s most liberating research findings is that happy couples don’t necessarily fight less than unhappy ones. In his longitudinal studies, he found happy couples who argued frequently and happy couples who rarely disagreed. Similarly, he identified unhappy couples at both ends of the conflict spectrum.³
What distinguished the happy couples wasn’t the frequency of disagreements but how they navigated them. Happy couples maintained a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions, even during conflict. They made repair attempts, accepted influence from each other, and avoided the “Four Horsemen” of criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.
The takeaway? It’s not about whether you have conflicts—it’s about how you have them. As I often tell couples in our intensive retreats, “It’s not the presence of difference that destroys relationships; it’s how you talk about those differences.”
Practical Plumbing Maintenance for Your Relationship
So how do you keep your relationship’s emotional plumbing system working smoothly? Here are some practical approaches:
- Make regular “service calls.” Don’t wait for flooding to address issues. Schedule regular check-ins about how your relationship is functioning.
- Learn to recognize small blockages. Pay attention to minor irritations before they become major obstructions.
- Use gentle, effective flushing techniques. Frame concerns as “I” statements rather than accusations. “I feel worried when you drive fast” works better than “You’re a terrible driver!”
- Appreciate your partner’s repair attempts. When your partner tries to make things right, acknowledge their effort even if it’s not perfect.
- Accept that some “waste” is inevitable. All relationships generate irritations. The goal isn’t to eliminate them but to process them effectively.
- Call a professional before flooding occurs. Consider couples therapy as preventative maintenance rather than emergency intervention.
In our intensive couples therapy retreats, I often see partners who’ve waited until their emotional house is underwater before seeking help. While we can certainly address these crisis situations, how much easier would it have been to maintain the plumbing system all along?
Embracing the Inevitable “Poop”
There’s a reason we use euphemisms for bodily waste—it’s uncomfortable to discuss directly. Similarly, we often avoid addressing relationship irritations because they feel unpleasant or impolite.
But just as every healthy body produces waste, every healthy relationship generates irritations. It’s not a sign of failure; it’s a sign of two unique individuals navigating life together.
The couples who thrive aren’t those who never irritate each other; they’re the ones who’ve built a solid plumbing system to process those irritations effectively. They understand that maintaining this system is an ongoing process, not a one-time installation.
So the next time your partner does something that irritates you, remember: this is normal “relationship poop.” Your job isn’t to pretend it doesn’t exist or to become overwhelmed by it. Your job is to acknowledge it, address it appropriately, and keep your emotional pipes flowing freely.
After all, as any good plumber will tell you, it’s much easier to handle a small clog today than a flooded bathroom tomorrow.
If you find your relationship’s plumbing system needs professional attention, consider attending one of our private intensive couples retreats. We specialize in providing couples the tools to maintain their emotional infrastructure for the long haul—no waders required.
References
- Gottman, J. M., & Levenson, R. W. (1999). What predicts change in marital interaction over time? A study of alternative models. Family Process, 38(2), 143-158.
- Gottman, J. M. (2011). The Science of Trust: Emotional Attunement for Couples. W. W. Norton & Company.
- Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country’s Foremost Relationship Expert. Harmony Books.
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