Are You Ready to Transform Your Relationship? Learn How to Prepare
Let’s be honest – knowing how to prepare for marriage counseling can make all the difference between wasting time and money or actually creating a relationship that works better.
Did you know most couples wait almost 3 years before getting help for serious relationship problems?¹ That’s 3 years of arguments, disconnection, and hurt feelings that could have been addressed sooner. The earlier you start, the quicker you’ll get the practical tools you need to build something better together.
Couples Therapy Intensives: Want flexibility? Intensive couples therapy allows couples to get a lot done in a concentrated single weekend retreat. Learn more
1. Make Sure Both of You Are Open & Invested
I’ll be straight with you – if only one of you wants to be there, we’re already fighting an uphill battle.
How to check your readiness:
- Have an honest conversation before your first appointment
- Share what makes you nervous about the process
- Listen without interrupting when your partner speaks
- Remember: you don’t need to be thrilled, just willing
Let me tell you something I tell all my couples: “If you’re only here to check a box or prove you ‘tried,’ we’re wasting your time and money. I’m a very expensive conversational companion if you’re not ready to actually work on things.”
2. Reflect on Individual and Relationship Dynamics
Take a good look in the mirror before pointing fingers. Most relationship problems are a two-way street.
Ask yourself honestly:
- What buttons of mine get pushed the most?
- How do I contribute to our negative cycles?
- What happens when I feel hurt or scared?
- What am I doing that makes things worse?
Most couples are caught in patterns they can’t see. Before blaming your partner for everything, get curious about your part in the dance.
3. Establish Goals for Your Relationship
What do you actually want? Vague hopes like “be happier” don’t give us much to work with.
Think about concrete goals like:
- Learning to argue without character assassination
- Rebuilding trust after a betrayal
- Getting on the same page about money
- Dividing household responsibilities fairly
- Reconnecting sexually and emotionally
I’ve noticed that couples who come in with some idea of what they want to create (not just what they want to stop) make progress much faster.
4. Consider Your Timing and Format Options
Think about what would actually work for your life right now, not just what seems “normal” for therapy.
What might fit your situation:
- Weekly sessions (good for steady progress)
- Intensive couples retreats (when you need a breakthrough fast)
- Online therapy (perfect for busy schedules or long-distance)
- A combination approach (intensive jumpstart with follow-up sessions)
Here’s something most therapists won’t tell you: If you’ve been stuck for years, weekly one-hour sessions might be too little, too slow. Many couples tell me they made more progress in our two-and-a-half-day intensive retreat than in a year of weekly therapy.
Want help finding the right therapist? Check out my guide: How to Find a Couples Therapist Who Can Actually Help You.
5. Provide Your Therapist with Necessary Information
Your therapist isn’t a mind reader. The more they understand about your specific situation, the better they can help.
Be ready to share:
- The real issues, not just the surface problems
- Your relationship history (how you met, major transitions)
- Past attempts to solve these problems
- Individual struggles that might be affecting things
Don’t worry about looking bad. Trust me – after 30 years, I’ve heard it all. We need the real story to help you.
6. Manage Expectations Ahead of Time
Couples therapy isn’t a quick fix, and understanding that from the start makes a huge difference.
Real talk about the process:
- The first few sessions might feel worse before things get better
- Old wounds often need cleaning before healing
- You’ll need to practice new skills between sessions
- Meaningful change takes time and consistent effort
Think of it like physical therapy after an injury – it takes work and sometimes hurts before you see improvement.
If weekly is too slow, reach out to learn more about how private couples therapy retreats provide concentrated help.
7. Commit to the Process
Here’s the truth: your results will directly match your level of commitment. Half-hearted effort gets half-hearted results.
This doesn’t mean both of you need to be equally enthusiastic. One of you might be dragging your feet. That’s normal. But you both need to show up, physically and emotionally, and be willing to try something different.
8. Be Ready to Share Family History
“Why do we need to talk about my childhood? We have problems now!” I hear this all the time. But here’s why it matters:
We all learned how relationships work (or don’t work) by watching our families. Those patterns get wired into our brains before we can even talk. Understanding these blueprints helps explain why you react the way you do when your partner pushes certain buttons.
Your therapist isn’t blaming your parents – they’re helping you connect dots between past and present.
9. Focus on Changing Yourself First
Want to know the fastest way to change your relationship? Stop waiting for your partner to go first.
When you shift how you respond, the whole dance changes. It’s much more productive than the standoff of “I’ll change when they change.”
This isn’t about taking all the blame. It’s about focusing your energy where you actually have control – on yourself.
10. Prepare to Take Emotional Risks
Good couples therapy requires showing parts of yourself you might normally keep hidden.
This is especially tough for people who’ve learned to stuff feelings down or avoid vulnerability. Men often struggle here because they’ve been taught that emotions equal weakness.
Your therapist will help you navigate this scary territory, but be prepared: meaningful connection requires emotional courage.
Final Thoughts: Creating a Stronger Connection
At the end of the day, couples therapy is about learning to truly see and hear each other again. It’s about clearing away the resentments and misunderstandings that have built up over time.
I remember sitting in the audience years ago when Dr. John Gottman cut through all the therapy mystique with plain truth. He said we therapists aren’t creating magical fairy-tale relationships – we’re more like plumbers, helping clear emotional clogs so relationships can function properly again.
That’s exactly right. We help couples build “good enough” relationships – ones that bring genuine satisfaction and teach your children what healthy connection looks like.
Want to jumpstart your progress? Our international couples retreats compress months of therapy into a few days of intensive work. These retreats give you the focused attention and immersive experience many couples need to break through long-standing patterns. Contact us today to learn how our intensive couples therapy retreats can transform your relationship.
References
- Doherty, W.J., Harris, S.M., Hall, E.L., & Hubbard, A.K. (2021). How long do people wait before seeking couples therapy? A research note. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 47(4), 882-890.
- Johnson, S.M. (2019). Attachment Theory in Practice: Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) with Individuals, Couples, and Families. The Guilford Press.
