Dear Dr. K,
What about a situation like this? When you have a girlfriend of 2 years or wife who you love very much. Just when everything is really good, you’ve got her laughing all night, and then the next day she’s a completely different person. She barely speaks to you, then she goes off. You try to call her all day long, she won’t answer. She won’t tell you where she’s at. She won’t show you any respect. You finally get mad and call her names, putting the relationship in serious jeopardy. -Serious Jeopardy

Dear Serious Jeopardy,

I see this as a painful dynamic in which no one wins. It’s been called a Rollercoaster Relationship. It’s crazy-making.

Let me address what’s happening here honestly.

When someone flips from warm connection to cold distance without explanation, it creates genuine confusion and hurt. You’re left wondering what happened to the person who was laughing with you just hours before and now won’t talk to you. That uncertainty can be excruciating. This pattern of hot-and-cold behavior suggests something deeper is happening beneath the surface. When someone switches from engaged to unavailable so dramatically, it typically points to:

  • Possible trust or commitment concerns
  • Unresolved emotional issues (either personal or relationship-related)
  • Communication patterns that have become unhealthy

But here’s what troubles me about your response: Like many men, you believe you have rights over your girlfriend, which you do not have, whether you have known her for a month or have been married for 30 years. In one study of men in the USA, ages 18-30, 56% said yes to the statement:

“Society as a whole tells me that… If a guy has a girlfriend or wife, he deserves to know where she is all the time.”

It was only slightly lower in the UK and Mexico.

But men don’t have that right, whether they believe society tells them that or not.

The repeated calls, the demand to know her whereabouts, the anger when she doesn’t report in, these behaviors cross an important line into abusiveness.

I once counseled a man who couldn’t understand why his girlfriend “disappeared” occasionally. What he called disappearing, she called “having a normal day to herself.” The gap in their expectations was creating tremendous conflict.

Your girlfriend might indeed be playing emotional games. She may be narcissistic. The dramatic shift in warmth followed by withdrawal can be a manipulation tactic some use to maintain power or avoid true intimacy. If that’s happening, you deserve more consistency.

At the same time, your monitoring behaviors are concerning. Healthy love doesn’t require constant access or location updates. When you explode and call her names for asserting independence, you’re damaging whatever trust remains. There are ways to get a handle on emotional abusive if you are motivated.

The hard truth? You’re both caught in a toxic cycle. She withdraws, you pursue aggressively, she withdraws more, you escalate to verbal attacks. Nobody wins.

Break this pattern by:

  1. Setting clear expectations during calm moments
  2. Respecting her right to privacy and independence
  3. Expressing hurt without resorting to name-calling
  4. Examining your need for constant contact

If this pattern continues despite honest conversations, this relationship may be teaching you what you don’t want rather than giving you what you need.

What do you think is driving your need to know where she is at all times? Why do you repeatedly call back when she doesn’t answer?

Thanks for writing.

References

Heilman, B., Barker, G. & Harrison, A. (2017). The Man Box report: A study of being a young man in the US, UK, and Mexico.