This post outlines Dr. John Gottman’s three-stage model for helping couples heal from infidelity. For a broader understanding of emotional affairs and recovery, see our Introduction to Affair Recovery.

If you’re working through the aftermath of an affair, you may be experiencing a range of intense emotions – hurt, betrayal, anger, disbelief. While this experience can be devastating, recovery is possible with the right approach.

Dr. John Gottman, a renowned psychologist and relationship expert, has developed a research-based three-stage model for helping couples heal: Atone, Attune, Attach.

Understanding these stages provides a roadmap for the recovery process, offering clarity and hope during a time that can feel chaotic and overwhelming.

Stage 1: Atone

The first stage of affair recovery is Atonement. This critical foundation requires the involved partner to take full responsibility for their actions2 and demonstrate genuine remorse—not just for getting caught, but for the pain they’ve caused.

Key Elements of Atonement

End the affair completely.

The Involved Partner must cut off all contact with the affair partner. In situations where ongoing contact is unavoidable (such as workplace settings), the decision has to be made by the Hurt Partner in consultation with the Involved Partner. If they remain in that position, strict professional boundaries must be established and maintained with complete transparency.

Answer questions honestly

The Hurt Partner typically needs information to make sense of what happened. The Involved Partner must commit to answering questions openly and honestly, even when the details are painful to share or hear.

Allow space for emotions

The Hurt Partner needs space to express their pain, anger, and other emotions without the involved partner becoming defensive or shutting down. This requires patience and a willingness to witness the impact of the betrayal.

Demonstrate commitment through actions

Words of remorse are necessary but insufficient. The Involved Partner must show their commitment to rebuilding the relationship through consistent, trustworthy actions over time.

Jake’s refusal to own up to his affair would have seriously interfered with this first step of atonement.

Real-Life Example

Jake and Emily were high school sweethearts who had been married for 12 years when Emily discovered suggestive text messages on Jake’s phone from a coworker. Jake initially denied anything was happening but eventually admitted to kissing his coworker during a business trip.

In therapy, Jake had to come to terms with the full extent of his betrayal. Even though the affair had been physically limited, the emotional intimacy was still a violation of Emily’s trust. Jake wrote Emily a heartfelt letter expressing his deep regret and commitment to total transparency. He changed jobs to cut off contact with his coworker and started individual therapy to understand what led him to stray.

Research Insights

Recent studies4 on affair recovery highlight that the involved partner’s commitment, loyalty, open communication, and proactive engagement in the healing process are key factors predicting successful outcomes. Resistance to accountability or attempts to minimize the impact of the affair significantly undermines the healing process.

Jake’s refusal to own up to his affair would have seriously interfered with this first step of atonement. His initial denial, while common, was still a bad sign. These findings underscore the pivotal role of the involved partner’s character and initial actions in navigating the challenges of affair recovery and rebuilding the relationship.

Stage 2: Attune

Once the foundation of Atonement is established, couples can begin working on Attunement—rebuilding their emotional connection by understanding each other’s feelings and experiences on a deeper level.

Key Elements of Attunement

Vulnerable sharing

Both partners need to openly share their feelings about the impact of the affair without blame or defensiveness. The Hurt Partner expresses their pain while the Involved Partner listens without becoming defensive.

Validation of feelings

The Involved Partner works to understand and validate the Hurt Partner’s emotional experience, while the Hurt Partner gradually becomes open to understanding the Involved Partner’s perspective (without excusing the betrayal).

Quality time together

Couples need to rebuild positive experiences by spending time together doing activities they both enjoy, creating new memories that aren’t shadowed by the affair.

Expression of appreciation

Both partners practice noticing and expressing appreciation for positive actions and efforts, helping to counterbalance the negative emotions that dominate after an affair.

Real-Life Example

After the initial shock of Jake’s affair, Emily struggled with feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt. In therapy, Jake reassured Emily that the affair wasn’t her fault or a reflection on their marriage. He validated how deeply the betrayal had shaken her sense of self-worth.

The couple started having regular date nights and check-ins about their feelings. Jake made an effort to be present and attentive, leaving his phone in another room during their time together. Gradually, through many open and honest conversations, they started to feel a renewed sense of closeness.

Stage 3: Attach

The final stage of affair recovery focuses on re-establishing a secure attachment bond between partners. After an affair, the Hurt Partner often feels vigilant and mistrustful, while the Involved Partner may struggle with guilt and defensiveness. The attachment stage works to heal these patterns.

Key Elements of Attachment

Consistent responsiveness

The Involved Partner demonstrates reliability by consistently responding positively to the Hurt Partner’s needs and “bids” for connection, gradually rebuilding a sense of security.

Rebuilding physical intimacy

Couples work on re-establishing physical closeness and intimacy at a pace that feels comfortable for both partners, especially the Hurt Partner, who may feel vulnerable or triggered.

Creating a shared vision

Partners develop a new understanding of their relationship’s future, including specific commitments and boundaries that will protect their connection.

Establishing new rituals

Couples create new daily and weekly rituals that strengthen their bond and provide structure for ongoing connection and trust-building.

Real-Life Example

As Emily began to feel more secure in Jake’s commitment, she was able to relax and be more present in their relationship. They started a nightly gratitude practice, sharing three things they appreciated about each other before bed. When Jake would reach for her hand or offer a hug, Emily could accept the affection without second-guessing his motives.

In therapy, they created a relationship mission statement outlining their shared values and goals, including a commitment to honesty, teamwork, and making their marriage a top priority. They planned a vow renewal ceremony to symbolize their recommitment and the new chapter in their relationship.

Moving forward after an affair

Recovering from an affair is not a linear process, and couples often move back and forth between these stages as they heal. The timeframe varies significantly based on factors like:

  • The nature and duration of the affair
  • The couple’s history and attachment styles
  • The quality of support (professional and personal) they receive
  • The Involved Partner’s consistency in rebuilding trust
  • The Hurt Partner’s capacity for eventual forgiveness

What helps the process succeed:

  • Working with a qualified couples therapist who specializes in infidelity
  • Patience with the natural timeline of healing (typically 1-2 years minimum)
  • Recognition that trust rebuilds gradually through consistent actions
  • Creating clear boundaries and agreements
  • Developing new skills for emotional intimacy and conflict resolution

What hinders the process:

  • Rushing through stages before adequate healing has occurred
  • The Involved Partner becoming impatient with the hurt partner’s need for reassurance
  • Inadequate boundaries with the affair partner or situations that triggered the affair
  • Keeping secrets or new betrayals during the recovery process
  • Attempting to navigate recovery without professional guidance

Conclusion

The Atone, Attune, Attach model provides a structured approach to affair recovery that addresses both the breach of trust and the need to rebuild the emotional foundation of the relationship. While the journey is challenging, many couples find that working through an affair with professional support can lead to a stronger, more resilient relationship.

With openness, empathy, and commitment to the process, partners can not only heal from the betrayal but potentially build a more conscious, intentional relationship than they had before. The affair, while never desired, can become a turning point that leads to deeper understanding and connection.

Continue your journey of understanding and healing by exploring our other resources:

Footnotes

1. Gottman, J. M. (2011). The science of trust: Emotional attunement for couples. W. W. Norton & Company.
2. Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2012). What makes love last?: How to build trust and avoid betrayal. Simon & Schuster.
3. Gottman, J. M. (2015). Principia amoris: The new science of love. Routledge.
4. Mitchell, E. A., Wittenborn, A. K., Timm, T. M., & Blow, A. J. (2021). Affair recovery: Exploring similarities and differences of injured and involved partners. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 48(2), 447–463.