In the landscape of relationship dynamics, stonewalling represents one of the most challenging communication patterns couples face. While the behavior might appear similar on the surface – a partner withdrawing from interaction – the underlying motivations and implications can differ dramatically. Understanding these distinctions proves crucial for both therapeutic intervention and relationship healing.
The Complex Nature of Stonewalling
Stonewalling is a communication barrier where one partner becomes unresponsive or withdraws from interaction. This seems straightforward but the behavior is quite complex.
Recent research reveals two distinct forms of stonewalling, each stemming from different emotional and psychological roots: the physiological response studied by Gottman and the manipulative pattern associated with narcissistic behavior.
Gottman’s Framework: Emotional Flooding and Withdrawal
Gottman’s notion of stonewalling is one of the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” that predict relationship dissolution.
Stonewalling represents a physiological response to emotional overwhelm rather than a deliberate strategy of control.
Understanding Emotional Flooding
When partners experience emotional flooding, their bodies enter a state of physiological arousal. Heart rates elevate, stress hormones surge, and the capacity for rational discussion diminishes. In these moments, withdrawal serves as an instinctive protection mechanism—a pause button on escalating conflict.
Unlike narcissistic stonewalling or the silent treatment, a person withdraws from a conversation, becomes unresponsive, and emotionally shuts down as a way to manage conflict or intense emotions.
Characteristics of Gottman’s Stonewalling
- The nature of the withdrawal itself is temporary
- There are visible signs of emotional distress
- There isn’t manipulative intent
- The partner is trying to self-regulate rather than control their partner
Narcissistic Stonewalling: A Pattern of Control
In contrast to Gottman’s concept, narcissistic stonewalling represents a calculated approach to relationship dynamics. This pattern is designed to assert power, emotionally manipulate the partner, and attempt to protect the ego by punishing the partner’s independent behavior.
Core Elements of Narcissistic Stonewalling
- Consistent pattern of withdrawal as an effort to control
- Strategic use of silence to manipulate a desired outcomes
- Protection of fragile self-image
- Intentional emotional punishment of partners
The Silent Treatment
Silence can be a powerful tool to manipulate perception. By refusing to communicate, narcissists can control the flow of information, twist facts, or paint themselves as the victim.
They make it about themselves by withdrawing and giving you the silent treatment. If they elicit a strong reaction from you, the focus remains on them and their needs. The victim suffers from fear of abandonment, feels insecure and threatened, or feels confused.
This behavior creates emotional insecurity in partners It is designed to maintain power dynamics and avoid accountability. It is also designed to control narrative and information flow.
Understanding Key Differences
Gottman’s model shows stonewalling as a response to emotional flooding. This is where one partner becomes overwhelmed by negative emotions and shuts down to protect themselves from escalating conflict.
Control or manipulation is not deliberate. It is a misguided emotional reaction to avoid worsening things. It is a physiological reaction, not a deliberate psychological tactic.
Example:
Marvin floods easily whenever his wife Helena raises her voice. While he wants to disagree with her, he gets so overwhelmed he begins to pull into himself in a misguided attempt to calm Helena down. However, this stonewalling on Marvin’s part intensifies Helena’s level of upset, and she “tries to get him to engage with her,” which worsens his withdrawal. An intensive couples therapy weekend taught both partners how to identify Marvin’s flooding and separate for 20 minutes (a “time out“) to allow him to calm down and re-engage.
Narcissistic stonewalling
Narcissists use silence and stonewalling defensively to control and protect their egos and self-image and manipulate others. The withdrawal serves not to regulate overwhelming feelings but to manipulate partner behavior and protect a fragile ego structure.
They avoid any discussions or situations that might challenge or threaten their image.
Narcissistic stonewalling is a consistent pattern of behavior used to exert dominance, avoid accountability, and protect a fragile self-image. There is no conscious effort to avoid “making things worse.” There is only an effort to dodge a topic by exerting power and control.
Example:
Cliff refuses to talk to Kim for a week after she “disobeys” him and visits her sister Janet across town for the day. Kim has learned that this is Cliff’s attempt to control Kim’s visits to her sister. Initially, his cold shoulder treatment would upset her greatly, and she would beg him to talk to her again. He would refuse. Kim then learned that this intentional punishing behavior was worsened by the attention she gave him once she returned home. Kim began to tell Cliff before leaving that if he refused to talk to her when she returned from Janet’s house, she would leave the house until bedtime and avoid him until he reengaged with her.
Context
Understanding context is crucial for distinguishing between these forms of stonewalling:
Gottman’s Stonewalling:
- Occurs during specific conflicts
- Shows clear emotional flooding signs
- Resolves with emotional regulation
- Responds to structured intervention
Narcissistic Stonewalling:
- Forms consistent behavioral patterns
- Appears regardless of conflict intensity
- Persists despite partner accommodation
- Resists standard intervention approaches
Motivation
Gottman’s stonewalling is driven by emotional overload.
Narcissistic stonewalling is motivated by a narcissist’s desire for power, control, and avoidance of threats to their self-image. The narcissist stonewalls to avoid criticism, maintain a sense of superiority, and shield themselves from vulnerability.
Intervention Strategies: Different Paths for Different Patterns
Addressing Gottman’s Stonewalling
Gottman’s recommendations for stonewallers are clear and straightforward: calm down and re-engage. He suggests that the couple recognize signs of emotional flooding, label it as flooding, and take a 20-30 minute “time out.” You can avoid ruminating by reading, but avoid rehearsing the fight in your mind.
The path forward focuses on emotional regulation and communication repair:
- Implement structured time-outs (20-30 minutes)
- Practice self-soothing techniques
- Develop flooding recognition skills
- Return to the discussion when physiologically calm
Managing Narcissistic Stonewalling
A toxic partner constantly manipulates and harms their partner’s well-being and happiness.
There may be covert narcissism (passive-aggressive forms) where emotional abuse is denied. “Why aren’t you talking to me?!” might cause them to respond, “I am talking to you. What do you want to talk about?” However, continued verbal communication is stilted, overly formal, or superficial, frustrating the family members.
Intervention requires a more comprehensive approach focused on self-protection and boundary establishment:
Set Clear Boundaries
Clearly define your boundaries and communicate them assertively. Tell the narcissist what behavior is unacceptable to you. Spell out the consequences if they continue this manipulative behavior, and be prepared to follow through with those consequences.
- Establish specific communication expectations.
- Define consequences for stonewalling behavior
- Maintain consistency in boundary enforcement
Prioritize Self-Care
Narcissistic stonewalling can be emotionally draining and manipulative. When you leave your house or room, you can focus more on your well-being. Pick rewarding things to do if you are facing stonewalling or silence, and do them.
- Develop independent support systems
- Maintain personal interests and activities
- Practice emotional self-regulation
Implement Strategic Communication
Clearly express your thoughts and feelings without expecting them to be acknowledged or respected. Avoid getting defensive or accepting blame. Stay calm and composed in response to narcissistic rage. Be firm in expressing your needs and expectations.
- Use assertive communication techniques
- Avoid defensive reactions
- Maintain emotional equilibrium
- Document patterns and interactions
Expect withholding
Narcissists crave control and power over others. By stonewalling, they can withhold information, emotions, or validation. The goal is to maintain dominance and make others feel powerless and frustrated.
They are hypersensitive to criticism. Expect withdrawal if you’ve hit a sore spot or challenged their perceived superiority.
Narcissists often have difficulty accepting responsibility for their actions. Stonewalling allows them to evade accountability and avoid confronting uncomfortable truths or criticism directed toward them.
Maintain perspective
Remind yourself of the narcissist’s patterns and motivations. Understand that stonewalling does not reflect your worth or value. It is a manipulative tactic used to gain the upper hand in relationships.
They do it to protect their fragile ego. Keep your expectations realistic and focus on your own personal growth and happiness.
Consider disengagement if necessary.
If narcissistic stonewalling or silent treatment persists and has a consistently negative impact, seek professional help. It may be necessary to evaluate the relationship’s viability. In some cases, disengaging from the relationship may be the healthiest option to protect yourself from further harm.
Moving Forward: Assessment and Action
Understanding which form of stonewalling affects your relationship determines the path forward. Consider these questions:
- Does the withdrawal occur primarily during conflicts?
- Is there a pattern of power and control in the relationship?
- Does your partner show genuine distress during withdrawal?
- Are there attempts at repair after withdrawal episodes?
Professional support often proves invaluable in making this assessment and developing appropriate intervention strategies. Couples therapists trained in the Gottman Method can help address emotional flooding, while therapists experienced with narcissistic relationship patterns can assist in developing protective strategies and healing approaches.
Conclusion
The distinction between Gottman’s stonewalling and narcissistic stonewalling represents more than academic interest—it determines the path to relationship healing. While both patterns can damage relationships, understanding their different roots, manifestations, and solutions provides the foundation for effective intervention.
Stonewalling, particularly in men, doesn’t automatically indicate narcissistic tendencies. Careful assessment of patterns, motivations, and relationship dynamics helps determine appropriate therapeutic approaches and potential outcomes.
Whether facing emotional flooding or narcissistic control patterns, professional support can provide crucial guidance in navigating these challenging relationship dynamics and working toward healthier communication patterns.
Suggested Reading
Ramani Durvasula PhD (2024). It’s Not You. Identifying and Healing from Narcissistic People. Penguin Books
