What’s the hardest part of being a couples therapist?
The hardest part of being a couples therapist is to face two people who want to divorce but to believe sincerely in my heart that they achieve nothing positive by doing so. Of course, I don’t fight with them about it. They both need to be in it to win it.
When Both Partners Lack the Will to Change
But I feel so sad that the potential is there if they are motivated, but the motivation is missing for both. Many have a “wait and see” attitude, expecting to see changes in their spouses before putting any energy into it themselves. This situation is particularly tough when there are children involved. Your lack of effort means a particularly dramatic change in their lives…without their permission.
Understanding the Therapeutic Journey
It doesn’t surprise me at the start of every intensive. I knew (because of reading the BIG BIG Book) the issues that the couple faced. I know the personal challenges each of them must overcome. And I know I’m dedicated to giving 110% to help them navigate these waters over the next several days. I do not know the outcome, however. It sometimes comes as a surprise when, after giving them feedback about their relationship (and hearing that while there are challenges, the relationship is strong), both have little motivation to do the hard work.
The More Common Path
Fortunately, it doesn’t happen often. Most people I see, while miserable and hopeless, are willing to hear the tough messages I give. They are relieved to know there is a clear path forward. Maybe they have done months or years of therapy before, but it was the “fight of the week” kind that left them even more convinced they don’t belong together.
Navigating Resistance and Acceptance
After being in the field as long as I have, I can graciously accept that the couple won’t budge. But I first do a lot of pushing and pulling to determine whether this determination is defensive or real and why they have come to couples therapy at all. Then, I switch to discernment counseling to allow them both to be more certain of whether divorce is in their futures or not.
It sometimes shocks them to realize that a mutual refusal to put effort into improving a very troubled marriage has consequences. Talking one-on-one with me sometimes allows them to identify why they want to work on it. At other times, while they know that refusing to change means the end of the marriage, they are clear that it’s a price they are willing to pay. Then, while I remain a cheerleader for their marriage, which I think has great potential (and I do tell them so), I humbly accept that my job is finished.
When Time Becomes an Excuse
One couple I can think of offhand (and you know who you are) couldn’t find the time to keep up ongoing therapy with me. We all agreed after the intensive that both needed to keep coming. It was online so that it couldn’t have been easier. But it just wasn’t a priority for both of them. Each was waiting for the other one to schedule the sessions. Other things got in the way week after week. When I got the note from one of them that they were divorcing, I was sad but not surprised. We did a session, then a 4-month break. All that time for such a troubled couple meant those months were full of painful exchanges, miscommunication, regrettable incidences, and lost opportunities. And accusations that I didn’t tolerate.
The Importance of Continued Care
Given the deep wounds both of them had and the challenges they faced when they interacted, the pain was going to eventually overtake their great love, partnership, and parenting skills. I would tell them they couldn’t simply schedule months in between (like some couples can) and expect us to get anywhere. Without positive momentum, they wouldn’t get where they wanted to go.
Making the Call for Ongoing Support
I don’t always tell a couple I work with to “keep coming.” Sometimes, we’ll schedule a two-week follow-up, fully anticipating that things will be on track and that they are headed in the right direction. But sometimes, it’s obvious that continued clinical work is necessary. And I don’t say it for my own sake. It’s clear to all of us what we have to work on; it’s all spelled out for them. I act as a trail guide or a coach in these cases, motivating them to focus their attention and put in the effort.
So, couples with genuine potential but no motivation are the hardest part for me as a couples therapist.
