My husband and I have a pretty good marriage. We hardly ever fight but when we do, it’s about politics. We have completely different viewpoints. I hate hearing about his political beliefs and he is annoyed with mine. Lately, we can’t watch the news together because it has resulted in so many heated arguments. Right now we just avoid these discussions completely, is there any other way?
Politics is a way of viewing power and how it is used in public life to influence societal decisions. While polarization is the rule in US politics today, it wasn’t always like that. Democrats and Republicans and their families could socialize and negotiate with each other better than they do now. In other words, they could disagree and still remain respectful.
Polarization invites people to take extreme positions that they wouldn’t usually embrace. When things become polarized, people have an “I’m right, and you’re an idiot” attitude. The same thing happens in marriage.
While some couples get polarized over where to live, how to educate their children, whether to care for aging parents at home or in a care facility, and so much more, the two of you disagree about politics.
Some couples, like Mary Matalin and James Carville, have figured out how to make their political differences work even when their life’s work is pitted against one another. They try to “cancel out” the other’s political influence in their role as political strategists. Talk about something to fight about!
But it sounds like you two can’t do it.
And do you have to?
Do your jobs require you to reach some common understanding of your differing views? And is this a sudden shift in perspective for one of you, or did you go into the marriage disagreeing about politics but hoping one would “come around”?
This is a perpetual issue between you both. If it is something you both came in with, it’s likely something you will die thinking differently about.
But if you want to try finding some common ground, try this:
Ask yourselves:
- “What are the principles or values that underlie my political beliefs?”
- “Where do these principles, values or beliefs come from?
- What’s happened in my life to solidify the way I feel about this?
- What positive things have I clung to as important life messages?
- What negative things have I learned that have taught me what to avoid?”
- Argue only about concrete facts, not differing political opinions.
- While Mark Twain famously once said: “There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics,” look for facts and figures that both sides agree on as accurate but don’t interpret the same way. These will explain how and why you see the world differently.
- Go beyond 2-minute news reports. Pick one or two issues you both feel strongly about. Research the opposition’s perspective as well as your own. Then, set aside time to share what you think and why.
- Keep your arguments respectful.
- Evelyn Beatrice Hall, who wrote under the pseudonym S. G. Tallentyre, was an English writer best known for her biography of Voltaire and The Friends of Voltaire, completed in 1906. In The Friends of Voltaire, Hall wrote the phrase: “I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it” [4] as an illustration of Voltaire’s beliefs. Can you disapprove of but still defend your spouse’s right to hold that belief?
- It’s hard to defend what you “hate to hear.” Talk about why you “hate to hear” what he says.
- Do you think it reflects poorly upon you?
- Talk when things are calm and from your heart about your fears and what they might mean about him as a person.
- How do his political beliefs create dire consequences if enacted?
- What would they look like in your mind?
In other words, talk about yourself, what you fear, and what his words mean. He might be shocked to hear the interpretation you’ve made out of his words. He may have also said things in the heat of the moment he didn’t mean. Few people are genuinely evil. If your husband’s beliefs put him in that category, talk directly about those fears. You will be enlightened, regardless of the outcome.
Avoiding conflict about politics or anything else is workable only if neither of you holds grudges, and clearly, this isn’t the case for you. You ask the question because these arguments bother you, but you don’t know how to handle them. Approach the issue head-on, particularly what he’s said that bothers you, what you’ve made of it, and how it impacts you. Avoid focusing on the issue itself. Stick with getting clear about his position and then talking about the impact this position has on you, your feelings about it, and the disaster scenario you have in your head about what could happen if those beliefs were put into action.
While his beliefs may not have the power to change society, they have had the power to upset you. That’s what you want to stick with and talk about outside of your typical arguments.
