We’ve all experienced it: that one thought you desperately want to evict from your mind but keeps showing up uninvited. Maybe it’s a worry about the future, a past mistake that haunts you, or a distressing image you can’t seem to shake. If you’ve ever found yourself thinking, “Why can’t I just stop thinking about this?” – you’re in good company.
Why Telling Yourself “Don’t Think About It” Never Works
Here’s a quick experiment: for the next 30 seconds, try your hardest not to think about a pink elephant.
…
How did that go? If you’re like most people, that pink elephant probably paraded right through your mind – perhaps multiple times. This phenomenon, where trying not to think about something makes you think about it more, has fascinated psychologists for decades.
Dr. Daniel Wegner, the pioneering researcher in thought suppression, called this the “ironic process theory.” When we try to suppress a thought, two processes occur simultaneously:
- A conscious process that actively searches for distractions
- An unconscious monitoring process that keeps checking if the unwanted thought has popped up
The problem? That monitoring process keeps the very thought you’re trying to avoid at the edge of your awareness, making it more likely to break through. It’s like telling someone at a party, “Whatever you do, don’t notice the person wearing the bright green shirt” – suddenly, you can’t see anything but the green shirt.
We’re covered Thought Stopping in an earlier post on managing affairs, but here we’ll tackle other helpful methods.
Beyond Suppression: Strategies That Actually Work
If directly fighting unwanted thoughts makes them stronger, what options do we have? Thankfully, Wegner and other researchers have identified several effective alternatives:
1. Focused Distraction: Give Your Mind Something Better to Do
When unwanted thoughts arise, having a specific, engaging activity to turn to can be incredibly effective. The key word here is specific. Vague attempts to “think about something else” often fail because your mind doesn’t have a clear alternative to latch onto.
Try this instead: Have a mental “go-to” place or activity. It might be visualizing a peaceful place in vivid detail, counting backward from 100 by 7s, or reciting lyrics to a favorite song. The more engaging the alternative, the better it works.
As Wegner’s research showed, aimless mind-wandering is associated with unhappiness, while focused attention on specific activities provides relief from unwanted thoughts.²
Gottman famously has couples who have flooded read something engaging to stop rumination. You can’t read and ruminate simultaneously.
2. The Paradox of Stress: Why Pressure Makes Things Worse
You might think that stress would distract you from unwanted thoughts – after all, if you’re worried about a work deadline, wouldn’t that push other concerns aside? Surprisingly, research shows the opposite is true.
When we’re stressed, our mental control systems become taxed, making it harder to keep unwanted thoughts at bay. This explains why those nagging thoughts often feel most intrusive right before bed or during particularly stressful periods.
The takeaway: Stress management techniques like deep breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, or gentle exercise aren’t just good for general wellbeing – they’re specific tools for improving thought management.
3. The “Postponement” Technique: Schedule Your Worry Time
One surprisingly effective approach is to assign your unwanted thoughts their own dedicated time slot. When an intrusive thought pops up, acknowledge it and tell yourself, “I’ll think about this thoroughly during my worry time at 7 PM.”
Studies show this postponement technique reduces both the frequency and the distress of unwanted thoughts. It works because you’re not trying to suppress the thought (which would trigger the ironic rebound effect). Instead, you’re giving yourself permission to think about it – just not right now.
As a young graduate student, I had a mentor who taught me a valuable lesson. This man’s wife told him she wanted a divorce and moved out that same week.
He was devastated and taken off-guard. To manage his enormous grief, he kept a picture of her in his desk drawer and set up a schedule to manage his emotions. He grieved her for an hour 4 times a day for the first week. He reduced it to 3 times a day for 45 minutes. Then, 2 times a day for 45 minutes. Then twice a day for 30 minutes, etc.
Instead of crying at random times, disrupting his life, and increasing his feelings of being “out of control,” when thoughts of her came up, he knew he would have adequate time devoted to expressing these feelings. It was a lesson I’ve never forgotten.
Many of my clients find it helpful to keep a small notebook where they briefly jot down the thought to “save” it for later. By the time their scheduled worry period arrives, many of these thoughts have lost their urgency or emotional charge.
4. Paradoxical Therapy: The Power of Controlled Exposure
Sometimes, the best way past an unwanted thought is through it. Paradoxical therapy involves deliberately thinking about unwanted thoughts in a controlled setting. This is similar to exposure therapy used for anxiety disorders.
By intentionally facing the thought in a safe context, you gradually reduce its emotional impact. Over time, the thought becomes less intrusive and distressing. This approach requires some courage initially, but many people find it liberating to confront what they’ve been avoiding.
5. Acceptance: Stop Fighting the Waves
Acceptance-based approaches represent a significant shift in how we relate to unwanted thoughts. Instead of trying to eliminate them, we learn to observe them without getting caught up in them.
Think of your mind as the sky and thoughts as clouds passing through. Some are light and pleasant, others dark and stormy – but none of them are actually the sky itself. With practice, you can learn to watch even difficult thoughts pass by without being swept away by them.
Techniques like visualizing your thoughts as leaves floating down a stream or cars passing on a road help create psychological distance from unwanted thinking patterns.
The Sleep Connection: Why Rest Is Essential for Mental Control
One of the most overlooked factors in managing unwanted thoughts is also one of the simplest: getting enough sleep. Recent research has uncovered a fascinating link between sleep and our ability to manage intrusive thoughts.
In a groundbreaking study, researchers found that sleep-deprived individuals experienced a staggering 50% increase in unwanted thoughts compared to well-rested people. The science suggests that sleep plays a crucial role in consolidating and processing memories – including helping us file away or discard unwanted thoughts.
Dr. Scott Cairney, who co-authored this research, explains: “Sleep appears to help us process and neutralize negative thoughts and distressing memories, keeping them from entering our waking minds. Without adequate sleep, the brain’s natural thought control mechanisms don’t function properly.”³
This sleep-thought connection has significant implications for people struggling with conditions like PTSD, depression, anxiety, OCD, and even schizophrenia – all disorders where intrusive thoughts play a central role.
The practical takeaway? If you’re battling persistent unwanted thoughts, prioritizing sleep hygiene might be just as important as any cognitive technique.
Self-Compassion: The Foundation of Mental Wellbeing
When unwanted thoughts keep circling, many people add an extra layer of suffering through self-criticism: “What’s wrong with me that I can’t stop thinking about this?” or “I should be over this by now.”
Research on self-compassion by Dr. Kristin Neff shows that treating ourselves with the same kindness we’d offer a good friend creates resilience and reduces negative rumination.⁴ Self-compassion isn’t self-indulgence – it’s recognizing that struggling is part of being human and responding to our own pain with care rather than judgment.
Try this simple practice when you notice unwanted thoughts: Place a hand on your heart, take a deep breath, and say to yourself, “This is a moment of suffering. Suffering is part of life. May I be kind to myself in this moment.”
Bringing It All Together: Your Personal Thought Management Toolkit
The science of unwanted thoughts teaches us that mental control is both simpler and more complex than we might assume. Simple, because many effective techniques can be learned quickly; complex, because what works best varies from person to person and situation to situation.
The key is experimenting to discover which approaches work best for you:
- For acute thought intrusions: focused distraction or postponement
- For recurring patterns: acceptance and paradoxical approaches
- For overall mental resilience: adequate sleep and self-compassion
As Wegner wisely cautioned, these solutions should be viewed as “hypotheses and possibilities rather than as trusty remedies.”¹ The mind is remarkably individual, and finding your optimal strategy may take some exploration.
Remember that seeking support from a mental health professional can be invaluable, especially if unwanted thoughts significantly impact your daily life. Cognitive-behavioral therapy, acceptance and commitment therapy, and mindfulness-based approaches have all shown effectiveness for managing intrusive thinking patterns.
With patience and practice, you can develop a healthier relationship with your thoughts – not by waging war against them, but by understanding the science of how our minds work and using that knowledge to find greater peace.
References
- Wegner DM. Setting free the bears: escape from thought suppression. Am Psychol. 2011 Nov;66(8):671-80. doi: 10.1037/a0024985. PMID: 22082381.
- Wenzlaff RM, Wegner DM. Thought suppression. Annu Rev Psychol. 2000;51:59-91. doi: 10.1146/annurev.psych.51.1.59. PMID: 10751965.
- Harrington MO, Johnson JM, Croom HE, Pennington K, Durrant SJ. The influence of REM sleep and SWS on emotional memory consolidation in participants reporting depressive symptoms. Cortex. 2020 Oct;131:168-180. doi: 10.1016/j.cortex.2020.07.002. PMID: 32861232.
- Neff KD, Germer CK. A pilot study and randomized controlled trial of the mindful self-compassion program. J Clin Psychol. 2013 Jan;69(1):28-44. doi: 10.1002/jclp.21923. PMID: 23070875.
