When couples fight, knowing how to press pause and calm things down can save the day. That’s where Dr. John Gottman’s Repair Checklist comes in – it’s a simple but powerful tool that helps couples stop arguments from getting out of hand. Think of it as your relationship’s emergency brake. This checklist gives you ready-to-use phrases that can help turn down the heat when things get tense, making it easier to work through disagreements as a team.

What is the Gottman repair checklist?

Dr. John Gottman is a world-renowned researcher on how marriages work. This approach has interventions specifically designed to help couples fight better.

Each is used to help couples stop negativity from escalating. These include one of my favorites, the Gottman Repair Checklist pdf.

It’s my favorite couples therapy intervention because it makes the couple laugh when they do it. Because I work with some of the most distressed couples on the planet, anything that makes both of them laugh together is a good thing. Laughing allows the couple to feel more emotionally connected despite their problems.

Have you ever wondered what you can do to stop a fight from escalating? In his research, Dr. Gottman highlights things you can do.

In the Repair Checklist, Gottman list and has the couple identify which phrases will and won’t work.

What are examples of repair attempts?

The exercise is simple enough. It has a list of phrases that are clustered into different categories. The categories include helping the couple express their feelings, like “I feel scared.” Others give them a way to slow down or stop action, such as “Please, let’s stop for a while.”

The Repair Checklist helps couples to regulate the intensity of their fights.

What does repair in a relationship look like?

You are both discussing whether to spend money on a new car or repair your old one. It feels impossible to agree on a solution.

You start to get upset. It’s evident in your face, voice, and words.

“Why is it fine for you to get a new car and not me!”

Your partner has learned how to calm you down during moments like this. Instead of joining you in your upset and taking the bait, they take a breath.

They respond to you with a repair attempt such as: “That’s a good point. I did get a new car last year. That must feel unfair.”

Your partner just took the wind out of your (self-righteous) stance. He or she has also calmed down the situation. You feel heard and listened to.

You take a breath, and you respond in kind. “Thank you for saying that. I know this isn’t your fault, and I’m sorry I’m so testy about it…”

The conversation continues, but now it’s on a lighter note. It feels more friendly because your partner has reminded you that he or she is on your side.

Better friendship: A fighting couple’s secret weapon

While almost all healthy relationships fight, couples that know each other well (love maps) are affectionate and express appreciation for each other (fondness and admiration) tend to repair during disagreement naturally.

Couples that fight well are just better friends. They feel like they are on the same team. They spend quality time with one another, talk easily, and express their love for each other.

When couples stop being affectionate and don’t enjoy each other’s company, a fight about getting a new car feels like a life-or-death struggle. It feels as if one of you is going to end up winning and one of you will end up losing…and nobody wants to feel like a loser.

Married to a jerk or a nice person: the see-saw of relationships.

There is a ratio of positive to negative exchanges (5-to-1) when couples in a healthy marriage fight. For every harsh exchange (think of it as the “pepper” in the fight), there should be five more emotionally kind or connecting words (the salt.)

When you feel like good friends, that’s not hard to do. You feel like you love a nice person who is occasionally a jerk.

When you feel like you are involved with a jerk capable of being occasionally nice, the see-saw drops in favor of believing you have to protect yourself.

What surprises most of my couples is how quickly this see-saw can shift from one side to the other because, in truth, we all have the “nice person” or the “jerk” inside of us.

Then, when one of you makes a Repair Attempt, it becomes easier to accept it rather than reject it out of hand. This is the secret weapon, friendship, that Gottman finds so powerful.

Conclusion

The Gottman Repair Checklist works because it builds on a simple truth: good relationships need both the ability to disagree and the skills to make up. When couples use repair phrases and maintain a strong friendship, they’re better equipped to handle conflicts without letting them damage their bond. Remember, it’s not about never fighting – it’s about fighting fair and knowing how to reconnect afterward. By keeping your repair tools handy and your friendship strong, you can turn potential relationship-damaging moments into opportunities for deeper understanding and connection.

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