Most of us are not well-trained to be in romantic relationships.

Couples therapy is essential for some in bridging the gap to better connect in these critical relationships.

And often, this means skill-building in ways that will have a lasting positive impact on a couple.

Sometimes, we notice positive behavior in our partner. We may even appreciate it. However, the only reliable way to highlight the importance of that behavior is to develop the habit of offering positive feedback in relationships.

David

“Has he told her this?” I thought to myself as I sat with the male client I saw for individual therapy. David is a brilliant, caring, hard-working man in his early 40s.

He works daily through his symptoms and is well aware of how they impact his romantic relationship. This is partly because we have been part of his treatment plan. With David, the issue of positive relationship feedback was top of mind for me.

Here he is today, sharing all the ways he saw his spouse strive to ensure a social event would not increase his symptoms as much as she possibly could.

I have met his spouse, and this story sounded just like her.

I knew how hard she worked in this relationship. David beams a big smile as he talks, maybe even brags, about how his spouse ensured the day went smoothly for him.

I have done this work long enough to know that I often hear these positive stories, which are rarely shared with the person about whom the client spoke.

Making no assumption, I asked David if he had shared this positive feedback with his spouse.

He smiles, a bit sheepish now, and tells me he has not.

Positive Feedback in Relationships

It may seem obvious why we should be telling people in our lives the positive things they are doing. “Catching the good” is a behavior modification technique, often taught to parents to help increase positive behaviors with their children.

It makes sense: partners may have difficulty repeating desired behaviors if they do not have the feedback that it was a desired behavior.

This creates a feedback loop, and these are inherent processes in systems theory. In romantic relationships with moderate to severe disconnect, the feedback loops are often focused on the negative.

One or both partners persistently mention what the other partner is doing wrong. Once this feedback is provided, partners usually try to correct their approaches and adjust their course.

However, without proper and tactfully provided positive feedback in relationships, this will either be registered as “huh, I wonder how that landed,” “oh goodness, I should never do that again,” or “Seriously, what is going to work with you?” 

What’s The One Thing You Can Do to Offer Positive Feedback in Relationships Today? 

Share the stories of when your partner got it right with your partner. This may not be easy to do for a lot of reasons.

  • Gottman calls this negative sentiment override that even good things are painted with a negative brush; there can be so much negativity in a relationship.
  • Some mental health symptoms may manifest a negative perspective, e.g., anxiety, depression, PTSD.
  • Stress can impact our ability to see the good. As mammals, our survival is based on our ability to see the danger. This limits our capacity to “find the good” because we need to know the threat to quickly enact whichever survival response is best. When we are worried about getting eaten, we do not have time to notice how pretty the tiger’s coat looks. This fight-or-flight mode activation occurs during stressed states and when couples are disconnected.

All these ways can interrupt a person’s ability to see a loved one doing good.

Benefits of Overcoming These Barriers

These barriers prove why sharing these stories with your partner is essential.

I could see David’s positive emotions while sharing this story with me.

David was able to experience and relive these feelings, which is not always easy to do when a person experiences symptoms of emotional numbness and detachment.

He felt more connected to his partner even though she was not present—a challenge for partners with attachment issues.

The impact on the positive mood was systemic: I could feel it, too! I was happy for him to have this support from his spouse.

In his sharing this story, David was:

  • Doing something opposite of his negatively predisposed thinking, he focused on the positives of a challenging situation—an essential habit in general.
  • Experiencing these positive emotions, evident on his face, which challenges restricted affect and difficulty experiencing positive feelings, are both common symptoms of disorders like PTSD.
  • Reliving a memory in which he felt loved by his partner and connected to her, she understood him and was shouldering with him a challenging moment.

Here is a couple who figured out a difficult situation and got through it well. But…she may not have realized what she had done that helped him, nor even that he experienced it as having gone better than he expected.

Remember: each partner may have a different perspective on a situation. She may have thought it was a disaster while he was telling me how great she did.

The problem with not giving this positive feedback to the partner is that most partners tend to try different approaches to fix a problem. If they are not given the “hey, this one worked” positive feedback loop, they do not realize their strategy worked so they keep trying to find another approach.

For really distressed couples, eventually, the efforts seem useless and the hopelessness too much, the failure at “trying to make this work” too great. One or both partners will stop trying as s/he has moved the primary focus from protecting the relationship to protecting oneself.

Mind the Pitfall…But Offer the Positive Feedback Anyway

Sometimes, in severely distressed relationships, when a partner gives the other partner positive feedback, it is not guaranteed that the other partner will react positively.

Give the feedback anyway.

Say it genuinely, without bringing up negatives, and with some caring emotion. An example of how not to give positive feedback is: “I really appreciated the coffee you made me this morning since you’re usually asleep and in bed until 10 am.”

Start focusing on the positive because it is there, even if it is hard to find. “I really appreciated the coffee you made me this morning. It tasted great, and I know how comfy that bed can be. Thank you.” 

This statement is specific about what your partner did well, how you appreciated it, and how you recognized the effort your partner was making.

Keep your side of the street clean if your partner ignores your positive feedback or has a less-than-friendly or downright hostile response. You cannot change your partner.

We all can improve our ability to focus on positive feedback in relationships, even during challenging times.

At a minimum, you experience the benefits of seeing more positives and balancing out a negatively predisposed thought process. The way we practice offering positive feedback in relationships becomes a habit, meaning as you practice finding positives in your partner, you may be pleasantly surprised you start noticing positives in other areas of life.

Want to Take This Strategy into Orbit? 

In his book 25 Ways to Win with People, John Maxwell identifies his fifth strategy as complimenting a person in front of other people. If we’re talking about winning with people, who better to win with than our partners?

The next time your partner does something well, whether with you, at work, with the kids, etc., share this with another person in front of your partner.

As a clinical supervisor, I often did this with the clinicians I supervised. One way was to email my counterpart and the clinical director, CC’ing the supervisee, when I came across successes, recognizing my clinicians’ hard work and accomplishments. This strategy does not need to stop with your partner, but your relationship with your partner is a great place to start the habit.

Okay, So What Happened with David?

My couple’s therapy brain knew how important this story was for David to share with his partner.

In the next session, I asked if he had been able to share appreciation and positive feedback with her.

He confirmed he did and shared an interesting bit about it: “I don’t remember what I told her, but I do remember how happy it made her, and I remember how happy I felt seeing her that happy.” 

Emotions are essential in our relationships and affect how connected we do (or don’t) feel.

She was excited to know how well she had done. Her efforts not only mattered, but they worked, too!

Knowing the fiancée, I am sure she took great care planning out how to make a situation he was willing to tolerate for her go as well as she could for him.

He was excited to share this with her and felt he had made her happy. Because they shared how well these teamwork strategies worked, there is a chance now that the two can use them for future social situations.

I love hearing these stories. But I can’t help but love it more when the partners get to listen to them, too.

Pro Tip: Maxwell’s book is a fantastic resource for helping with positive feedback in relationships. Several of the strategies in it work well in a marriage, but that’s for another post.