Do you have a nagging wife? All men do. It’s a real pain, isn’t it? I mean, why can’t they get off our back for once? But they keep nagging and nagging. A nagging wife is one of the worst burdens a man can bear. Here are 7 battle-tested ways to shut down your nagging wife and put her in her place once and for all.
Deny, deny, deny. Hey, if you never admit to it, how can you be blamed? Tell her she’s exaggerating, mistaken, or just plain wrong. Don’t make the wimpy mistake of listening and admitting that she has a point. Do you want an endless stream of complaints coming at you for the rest of your life? I didn’t think so. Be a man. Defend yourself.
Every guy knows that the best defense is a good offense. If you are starting to wear out denial, change your strategy. Use phrases like “well, you don’t… (fill in her ridiculous complaint here) either.” or “What about you… (put in your dodgy complaint here).” Or “You have no right to complain because…” (fill in some trenchant observation here). I also like the more philosophical approach “If you want to see the real problem in our marriage take a look in the mirror…” The key idea is to take her complaint and flip it, so she lands really hard on your beef with her.
Be like “fake” vulnerable. You’re so stressed you might cave-in at any moment. She might even feel sorry for you if you can pull this off with skill, but if you smirk, you’ll blow this otherwise great play.
Bite your lower lip. Try lines like “I just can’t handle this right now…” or “Do you have any idea how… (fill in some pitiful disclosure here). The key idea is to make it look like you’re gonna cave in under the pressure in your life, and she is only adding to it! I love it when my nagging wife buys into this and shuts up for fear of adding to my “stress.”
Always look for some off the wall B.S. that you can throw in. This is the Verbal Judo move on your nagging wife with a little fantasy element thrown in. Say stuff like ” Maybe if you…” (fill in a little razzle-dazzle here… a complaint about sexual frequency often works) or try this …”What do you want from me? Can’t you see that I need…” (fill in some unfulfilled longing or desire here…maybe sex again). The key idea is to act long-suffering. You have chronic complaints too…but because you’re a guy, you suck it up, which is, of course, the appropriate thing to do. Build yourself a McMansion on the moral high ground.
The problem with wives is that they are all making such a big deal out of their petty complaints. Try “Can’t you let that go?” or “Are we still gonna talk about…” (fill in the blank… the affair she just found out that you’re having with your co-worker, the motorcycle you bought without telling her, your third DUI… you get the idea).
I love this one. “I only went along with this because I knew ( you always know) that you’d just keep on me until I gave in” or “You always get your way, so what’s the point? I NEVER have a say.” The key idea here is to convey that it’s painful just putting up with all her endless demands. You’re trying to make her happy, really you are…but you’re getting worn out and exhausted trying (learn to love the word “trying”), but it’s all too much… (bite your lip again here for emphasis).
This is a simple move. It works well for guys who are married to women who yak yak yak at them endlessly. It gets overwhelming, doesn’t it? If you’re a slower talker than your wife, and you’re getting overwhelmed, just stonewall her. You can do this by staring at your shoes, but the problem with that move is that you still have to listen to her. You might have to leave. But don’t explain. Just go for a drive. Clear your head. You deserve some peace. Take whatever time you need.
I’m not going to get married again, I think I’ll just find a woman that hates me, then buy her a house. Attributed to both Dave Barry and Willie Nelson. (Doesn’t matter who said it first. It’s still a hoot).
Here’s what will happen. If you get really good at these strategies, she will eventually catch out to the simple fact that you have her number. She’s been outfoxed and outflanked and she will, I promise you, finally shut up, and you will get some peace. Yeah, she’ll bitch and moan for a little while, but eventually, you’ll achieve the peace and tranquility that you so richly deserve.
Of course, eventually, and probably out of the blue, she will decide to become a walk-away wife. You’ll probably have to deal with alimony and child support, and a 600 square foot bachelor pad with an empty fridge. But like they say.. “better to rule in hell…”
Your kids won’t be too happy with the situation. But life is hard, and the sooner they learn that, the better. They will learn that people only let you down, and a man has to stand up for himself in this world.
The divorce will probably toughen them up, and that can only be a good thing.
I get incredibly nasty responses to this post. Apparently, modern men are held in such low regard these days that some folks actually take this piece seriously, and attack me viciously for having written it.
I used to just delete the comments. But I’ve decided to post them from now on in what perhaps will be a futile attempt to revive the notion of satire.
Calm down please…this blog post is only a satire of the worst behavior men display, and how they destroy their families for no reason. I’m sorry to report that satire seems to have completely faded from our polarized popular culture.
Definition of satire
Daniel is a Marriage and Family Therapist. He currently sees couples at Couples Therapy Inc. in Boston, Massachusetts, three seasons in Cummington (at the foothills of the Berkshires...) and in Miami during joint retreats with his wife, Dr. Kathy McMahon. He uses EFT, Gottman Method, Solution-focused and the Developmental Model in his approaches.