Deciding whether to leave a relationship is one of the most difficult and consequential choices a person can face. While there is no easy answer, some situations strongly indicate it may be time to end a marriage or partnership. This article will explore three key reasons to consider leaving a relationship – chronic infidelity, substance abuse, and abuse – and guide how to navigate this challenging decision.

Three Reasons to Leave a Relationship

  1. Chronic infidelity Nearly half of the work at Couples Therapy Inc. involves affair recovery. While many affairs are isolated incidents, some couples face a destructive pattern of chronic infidelity or compulsive sexual acting out by one partner. The involved partner may be unable or unwilling to recognize how harmful their behavior has become. In some cases, there may be an underlying issue like sex addiction that requires individual support. Before considering intensive couples therapy in these situations, the involved partner should spend time in individual therapy to explore and address the drivers of their behavior. Additionally, a current, ongoing affair is a deal breaker for couples therapy – discernment counseling may be offered instead.
  2. Substance Abuse and Addiction When someone is abusing alcohol or drugs, it’s like there is a third party in the relationship. The addicted partner turns to the substance for both comfort in hard times and celebration in good times while spending significant time and resources on the substance – all to the exclusion of their partner. Addiction treatment has advanced and can be quite effective, but the substance abuse must be addressed before the relationship issues. The addicted individual needs first to seek treatment before the couple can productively work on their relationship together.
  3. Abuse Sadly, physical and emotional abuse are more common in relationships than many realize. It is estimated that one in five relationships have ongoing emotional, psychological or physical abuse. If physical abuse or domestic violence is occurring, it is definitely time to leave the relationship. There is a big difference between an unhappy marriage and an abusive one. While a qualified couples therapist may potentially address emotional abuse in some cases, it’s critical to openly discuss the full situation in the initial consultation so the therapist can provide appropriate recommendations, which may include individual support and steps to leave the relationship.

Coercive Control – Abuse Often Without Violence

Living with coercive control feels like being trapped in an invisible cage. Your partner might not hit you, but they wear you down day by day – checking your phone, controlling your money, telling you what to wear, criticizing your friends and family, making you doubt your own judgment. They might switch between being loving and cruel, leaving you confused and walking on eggshells. You start to lose yourself, wondering if you’re crazy or oversensitive, like they say. But here’s the truth: this behavior isn’t love – it’s abuse. And you’re not alone. Many women face this pattern of control that strips away their independence and self-worth piece by piece.

Women often begin these relationships believing that they have “hit the jackpot” and found the man of their dreams – attentive, interested, and treating them more “special” than anyone ever has. Gradually, particularly after the woman has moved in, given up her job, or gotten pregnant, a pattern of conditioning starts to happen where they are given that attention when they cooperate with the perpetrator and are ignored, stonewalled, or threatened when they don’t. Gradually, the woman finds herself moving further and further away from freedom and living a more constricted life with few outside contacts.

The decision to stay or leave is usually deeply ambivalent, as self-esteem is usually very low and available resources scarce. But ask yourself: Can you be truly yourself in this relationship? Do you feel free to make basic choices about your life? Are you afraid of your partner’s reaction to simple things like seeing friends or buying groceries? A healthy relationship should make you feel supported, not suffocated. If you’re considering leaving, start by reaching out to people you trust or contact a domestic violence hotline – they can help you plan for your safety and connect you with resources. Remember: the abuse isn’t your fault, and you deserve to feel safe and valued. Take small steps, trust your instincts, and know that there is life – and hope – beyond control.

Deciding Whether to Leave

It’s normal to have fleeting thoughts of separation or divorce after conflicts or hurts in a relationship. But seriously, considering leaving is different. Signs that you may be in the beginning emotional stages of divorce include discussing the possibility with trusted confidants or taking active steps like setting up a separate bank account or looking for new housing.

If you or your partner are uncertain about whether to stay in the marriage, discernment counseling can be extremely valuable. This type of counseling helps couples explore whether the relationship could be improved with better communication skills or if they may find more fulfillment separately or with other partners. All the therapists at Couples Therapy Inc. are trained in discernment counseling. They can help you decide whether to stay and work on the marriage or initiate a separation or divorce.

Conclusion

Ultimately, while leaving a relationship is always painful, there are some situations where it may be the healthiest choice. Chronic infidelity, substance abuse, and physical abuse in particular are compelling reasons to end a marriage or partnership. If you are considering divorce or separation, discernment counseling with a trained professional can provide clarity and guide you through the decision-making process. Remember, you don’t have to struggle with this difficult issue alone – support and expert guidance are available.